Things my mind hides or loses….which is beginning to be just about everything .

Trigger warning again for any and all possibilities...

This bit of writing is something I have been stewing on for a bit. Before I lose these particular thoughts I figured I better put them here. My intentions are to put my particular thoughts regarding the recent developments that are affecting millions of people around the world. I think I have always hidden in my own mountain of darkness and secrets, fearful of pretty much everything. What goes on beyond my little spot is not anything that affects me so I avoid at all costs. But, now that the nonsensical absurdity has overflowed the idiot juice that way too many people seem to be drinking and this nonsense has started ro trickle into my little corner of the darkness. I feel forced to pay attention, obsessively it seems, to the extreme division and fear tactics that the government of the supposedly most democratic and morally just country in the world is imposing on the entire world, including its own citizens.

I strongly support the military, first responders, EMTs, police, firefighters and the list goes on. Now, the National Guard members, who are mainly ones who have joined to help in times of emergency situations regarding natural disasters and the like. These people are now being put in the worst situation they could ever be placed in. Being used as political pawns against all those they wanted to help. A government that is destroying everything that this country was founded upon. Destroying relationships all over the world in a bid for greed at overload status regarding power and money. Trying to instill fear and control over everyone and everything. Turning back the clock utilizing lies and twisted truths, misdirection and misinformation, fearmongering and flooding so much nonsensical stuff into the world to blanket the true narrative. I think that narrative is starting to become more apparent every passing day.

To me it feels like there is a line being drawn between people and sides are being pushed upon everyone. That line is getting wider and taller by the minute.

Maybe, because I have lived in the darkness for so long, I have created my own version of reality regarding the world and this country. Thinking that the internal war this country experienced had started the long difficult journey of acceptance and positive growth. To witness the extremely rapid destruction of everything achieved since then and having the supposedly religious people in power ruling with promoting the blatant sins of breaking their supposedly precious 10 commandments. Punishing all those who choose to voice anything that they don't like. Even to punish anyone for doing anything they don't like.

The rapid increase in politically related violence and hate/harassment is extremely frightening to me. The current government is openly supporting this violence as long as it is in line with their personal interests. The abuse of presidential pardons is only adding to this fear. The worlds history is the proven template for the most likely scenario to happen again in this country. I truly hope that it is just my own fears that are creating this thinking but that is not what all the facts laid out are telling me.

With the extent of weapons and internet based knowledge available to the people in this country, and the obvious blatant ignorant usage of those things by people. Add that to the rapidly increasing division of society being forced to choose sides, a society that had begun to truly accept and embrace the differences between all walks of life. So many of those same people are in the same position as so many around the world that either currently are or have in the past supported some of the beliefs on both "sides" of the line. Forced to choose a side when in reality there is only one true side, and every living being on this planet belong to it.

What has the current representation of this wonderful country done to the world overall? All of the supposed support that this country did around the world seems to have disappeared in the blink of an eye. The political games being played under the guise of supposed "peace" which in reality is based in greed and control/corruption. Letting a country get pummeled by another dictator while pretending to care and blatantly supporting that dictator. Those people deserve the full support of this country.

Everyone is playing politics with humanity and human life and decency. Using the military to blatantly kill people off the shores of other countries instead of using our military to protect those who are struggling to protect themselves.

I am struggling to think of the proper words for the following, so bear with me. The practice of helping someone in need, and that person in turn helps someone else in need, and so on and so on. The simple gesture of paying another person's, or another family's meal at a restaurant, or going to a store and paying off someone else's layaways, voluntarily helping a stranger or a neighbor ( without being prompted to), I think I have made my point. That is the direction this country was headed, now the road has crested the mountain and completed a dangerous u turn to head down an endless steep slope like a runaway truck that has smoked the brakes.

With the billions of people around the world, and every one of them having different fingerprints. Why can't people accept that each one of those people is as different from each other as those fingerprints? The basic "mechanisms" that keep us breathing may be similar but every brain computes things differently.

I fear the mental health of our military, including the national guard, all of law enforcement, EMTs and firefighters, the mental strain they already face due to their chosen profession amplified by the political games being played using them as pawns in the government's agenda. Morality has been erased in this country.

My time is running out rapidly but will the world recover before things really boil over? Will this country ever recover? Or is this the latest step in the newest phase of self destruction?

I'm not a fan of surprises at all. And yet I managed to surprise myself with a purchase I didn't know I needed and definitely don't remember ordering. Obviously very recently ordered, getting shipped to my address so it was definitely me that must've ordered it. An item that was definitely pricier than my normal choices. I suppose if it makes it here in one piece I will see what I thought I had to have.

A saying has been floating in my head that makes sense but I don't understand how it is even remotely relevant to me and why is it in my head. "It's not how you die it's how you live". Really??? If my current issues are any clue to the rest of my past life , how could I have lived any differently. I am not even in a position to say I am surviving, much less living.

I am not sure of much anymore but I am sure that there are millions of people who share similar traits as me in regards to certain things. Such as feeling alone and isolated even when surrounded by others. That in itself makes that feeling so much more isolating. It's like being a drop of water... that drop of water on a table stands out. But that same drop of water in the ocean will never be found,

And when there are millions of individual drops on millions of tables, it only adds to the blurring of vision that blocks out the possibility of focusing on a select few.

My situation is far from unique. I think that it probably is a somewhat common thing right now. I am referring to finally realizing that it is beyond time to try and figure out the confusing maze of red tape to try and utilize the investment of the decades of payments into social security. Plus possibly other government programs to assist.

Unfortunately, I don't think I can even imagine attempting that right now, even if I had someone I trusted to help me. All of the programs that have been gutted and thrown away without a second thought. The blatant criticism, judgment, racism, the extremism and the blatant call to arms to certain people who support this current government is preventing me from trying. The overreaching into anyone and everyone's private lives that has become so common and expected has taken its toll on many people but I can only speak for myself. I don't want any part of adding any pathways for that reach to be pointed my way.

I have no clue to what I am doing anymore, sometimes quite literally. Between the cognitive decline and the physical decline and then add in that my personal vehicle is, for lack of better wording, in need of major repairs . I rarely drive it, and I think it's been around a year and a half since it has been off my property.

I actually need a newer vehicle, one that is a lot better on fuel economy. Unfortunately I don't have the funds for that. I had begun to put money back for a vehicle, but then I loaned someone a chunk of it so they could get a vehicle that they were in desperate need for. And that began a downhill slide of investing in needed items for my work.

I haven't managed to return to the putting money aside efforts. So, once I lose my current job/position I will be without transportation and it is way beyond walking distance to town. But there again The end of my road is beyond walking distance for me anymore.

Choices , at least reasonable ones , are non-existent it seems .

I will stop whining for now

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi sweetie 💖 I hope your headache has gone. Feeling lonely and isolated is something I feel often to🙁 the state your country is in is terrible, I can see why it's all so frightening for you🙁 but just be yourself and stick to your morals always 💖 

Sorry I haven't been around much, I seem to be here every couple of days and only for short periods of time. But I think about you often💖 I'm glad to here that dispute everything you keep on going💖💖 you are very special and I love you💖

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I am so sorry that you have to go through all this...I will keep you in my prayers for sure. Sending lots of love and strength ♥ 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi sweetie 💖 the weather here is very cold but I don't think anywhere near how cold it is for you over there🥶 only one week of work, then your retiring?? I know work has been a normality in your life, a routine that keeps you on track, but I think it would be good for you to retire💖 you keep yourself very busy with all the things you do at home. It's hard being alone though bless you. Are you looking after yourself? I mean like eating and sleeping ok?? Remember you will always have a home here with us at 7 cups 💖 hugs you tightly 💖 I love you 💖

I'm not a holiday person or any other kind of celebration person but I am normally as accepting as possible of others freedom to enjoy as they will. I stay as far away as possible and don't participate.

I really struggle with my anxiety regarding this , especially around Christmas due to the hype built around it. Plus the fact the majority of people get this air of false superiority and false kindness.

Their actions comes across to me as being false because they make a big show of helping others once or twice in " the spirit of the season". Then after that is accomplished, the degrading, judgmental comments about those individuals they supposedly were reaching out to. Next, those people that they reached out to are forgotten. They also try to force others to join and participate in their supposed acts of kindness .

It also seems to me that these same individuals assume that everyone else wants to listen to the seasonal music, which around here is turning into nearly a six month ordeal.

This year has been an extreme pressure point on my anxiety in this particular area of things. Mainly regarding the company I currently work for. I have had a few severe anxiety attacks at work lately due to this.

I am who I am.......

Add in the judgemental comments that are made in passing by the majority of people with no regard for anyone else. Hearing those comments, and realizing how many of them would be directly aimed at me if they actually knew me, is something that is getting harder and harder to deal with as every day passes.

The reality is that this kind of behavior is rapidly becoming increasingly acceptable by far too many people across many walks of life.

I don't know why it is triggering me so much , maybe it has something to do with the rapid decline of my cognitive and physical abilities combined with the other nonsense going on. I can't seem to brush off all the things that I can't control, probably because it seems like there is not much if anything that I can.