Things my mind hides or loses….which is beginning to be just about everything .

I received the somewhat expensive, definitely not my speed , item that I don't remember ordering. I don't know what could have possibly been going through my mind to trigger me to buy it.

However, I went ahead and opened it and spent a good portion of the day installing it.

Of all the idiotic things I could have purchased, I had to buy an oversized tv. I think it's an 85 inch one. Removing the old one and then removing the ceiling mount for the old tv was the "easy" part.

Installing the new ceiling mount was not that difficult either, but lifting the new tv up and hanging on the ceiling mount was the interesting part. Considering that I had to do it by myself.

Luckily I had 4 extra tie down brackets that I installed onto the ceiling support and used a couple of ratchet straps to lift it up to the ceiling. I kept the packing foam on the tv to try and avoid breaking the tv. That , surprisingly worked well enough. However, in order to get the tv up the last few inches, I had to carefully break apart all the styrofoam on the top of the tv , adding pieces back under the straps to avoid screen damage.

I was surprised that that idea actually worked. My brain flickers have wreaked havoc on my abilities to problem solve. I am not sure it was a worthwhile purchase, but I am stuck with it now.

I hope I don't make anymore purchases like that again, especially during a brain flickering event.

I think the setup after the installation took as long as, if not longer than the install. I am the farthest from technology savvy as I can be.

Why must any life decisions that are forced upon me, always come with a balanced list of pros and cons. Granted this latest has a majority of pros if counted by quantity and not quality. The cons are a lot less in number but the impact of possible outcomes from that side of the list can be beyond overwhelming.

I am sure I have mentioned that someone who claims to be my sister has been contacting me. If I haven't mentioned it, I am now.

She has been trying to research my brain issues. Trying to persuade me to pursue an official TBI diagnosis, Traumatic Brain Injury . I am still able to comprehend why, but with the upheaval in pretty much everything in this country. I am extremely uncomfortable with laying everything out in the open ...literally handing access to these childish tyrants.

In order to help prove that I am suffering from it, I would need to give access to all my records . I am not comfortable with that at all.

Every way I turn I feel trapped. I'm stuck in the current job at the moment, trapped in being forced to voluntarily give up my complete privacy in order to appease the racist judgement of those now responsible for making the final decision for or against my needs

I think I have had a day or two of at least partial clarity and little brain fog and flickers. I am back into the brain fog, and it is thick. Concentration is extremely difficult. Several issues are balancing like a rookie tightrope walker scared of heights on a thin highwire 75 stories up.

Maybe , I should try and take my meds and make my way to the shower and try and see if that helps at all.

I have been attempting to continue the organizing project, but motivation has ran away from me.

Finally got a little energy to get up to take a shower. First though I decided to get the trash ready to take out. When I attempted to lift the bag out of the trash bin I pulled a muscle or two in my back. Of course it was in the same area as the discs that are bulged in my spine.

Granted, I am getting weaker as things go on but the bag was a little on the heavy side. I had a bit of way past expired things from my kitchen cupboards that I threw out. Of course, my brainless self decided that throwing it all into one bag would be an intelligent choice.

Forced myself to hobble to the shower and basked in the hot water. Got out when the cold water got too cold. It helped but not sure for how long.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi honey💖 I know you don't celebrate Xmas but happy be'lated Xmas anyway💖💖💖 I'm still not around here much as you can probably tell. But I'm so glad you continue to write here 💖 how is your back feeling now?? Did you have a nice break from work? I think we are having a bit of a storm here it's really windy, I can actually hear the wind howling, it's pretty cool😁💖 hugs you tightly 💖 I love you 💖

It is like I am completely giving up and giving in. Making the decision to go ahead with everything regarding my cognitive decline, puts those things officially on my medical record and permanently closes the door on everything.

It's another major change that I am being forced to undergo. It is probably the only realistic decision. Overwhelming is such a major understatement. So many directions and decisions and so much of it is all in flux based on each appointment and the findings/decisions of those people.

My anxieties and depression, fears of the unknown and complete lack of control over my own future are keeping me so completely out of focus and it is like my completely chicken of heights self is on a fine high wire in the blackness of space and the unknown of what is in any direction if I fell randomly in any direction. The confusion is becoming a way of life .

The completely random though increasingly more frequent times that I completely blank out and absolutely have no clue where I am or who I am are beginning to really scare me. There are no "triggers" that I am aware of that shuts off my brain, basically like resetting it like one does with modern electronics.

Sometimes I seem to remember those episodes, at least the moment when the switch is flipped back on and the utter complete overwhelming fear of my surroundings. I am not sure for how long I remember those things but they do seem to vanish into the darkness in short order I think.

There is one particular episode that I had recently that I think is the one that made me realize I need to admit defeat and try and convince my doctor to make the referrals to help figure out some kind of plan.

It has been one that I am really struggling to try and hold onto in my mind for as long as possible. I was driving a rather large piece of machinery up to the closed overhead door of a building, the purpose was to just park it there. I am not sure when my brain actually flickered off but when I started to refocus I was not that far from the door. The absolute fear of everything and not recognizing anything, including how to operate the machine I was driving created an overwhelming panic and I had no clue how to stop the machine. Somehow, the machine stopped short of the building. That, I think, is probably the moment that forced my hand. Possibly with a little help from a supposed similar incident a short while ago. I won’t detail that one because I can't physically remember it but I have a reminder message about it . That was an incident that did involve a little property damage, no injuries but it was also a flicker moment.

I don't remember what my point was that I was trying to get to.

I just noticed I have what I can only describe as somewhat deep "cracks" in the skin on the tips of a few fingers. I doubt they are caused by getting cut because they go underneath the fingernails a little and the nails aren't damaged. Probably something to do with the sub zero temperatures and the circulation issues? Just put bandaids on them to keep some ointment on them. Awkward to do anything even though I don't have much feeling in them normally anyway.

I think I have some "new" numbness areas in my feet and legs. Lower back pain is extreme. Not sure what is technically new but I am pretty sure the lower back pain at the level it is currently at is somewhat recent. Maybe I will address this after the brain doctor visits start.. maybe not.

I have tried to start making a list of brain flicker episodes and other tidbits for the doctors. I end up throwing it away because I read over it and don't remember those things happening. Yes, that is the point of those lists but I have a lot of trouble trusting my thoughts being truthful and accurate.

I suppose this would be where having someone I trusted who would be here willing to help me navigate this . On the other hand, that would mean that person would not be able to live their own life properly. The last thing anyone deserves is to be pulled into the vacuum of the black hole of darkness that is me. The frustration and aggravation of being around me is definitely not something that anyone should be punished with.

I gave in to temptation at some point recently and purchased some video games and game system. Anything to try and get my brain to focus on something different for a bit. Not really something that I am really interested in and I am definitely not a game person. I bought an older system well actually 2 different systems. Not a huge investment but so far a waste of money. I don't play , what is it called??, online games..,just on the tv.

This , of course means buying used games that are hit or miss on playability. Buying these games new, means buying what is considered a collectible to open it and ruin it. Paying those prices definitely are not realistic.

Even though they are from a bygone era they are way too complicated for me. Too many different button presses and combinations.

My focus is nonexistent right now.

What does it mean when I had an itch on my hand and went to scratch it with the other hand and couldn't seem to find the hand needing the scratching. I was laying in bed with my arms raised above my head and my hands were basically right next to each other. It was like out of the blue my one hand/arm was gone. I suppose similar to phantom pains snd the like. My one hand flopping around like a fish out of water while the other hid under the invisibility cloak.

I am going to try and write here as much as I can this weekend. It would be nice if there was a way to let the neurologist or psychologist or whoever will be evaluating my cognitive decline and other issues , to let them read and assess my ramblings, provided I could find them. Maybe that would help them with their assessment.

What is it called when it feels like your heart stops beating for a second or two and then the arm or leg or entire body quick spasms like getting a shock? I just forgot the second thing I was going to add here