Things my mind hides or loses….which is beginning to be just about everything .
Trigger warning for many things, not sure of specifics until I write it down
I think I have other writings here …. somewhere…that are similar. Possibly with the same content, intention and purpose. Documentation of my issues and decline so maybe after I am gone that it might help someone from having a “life” like mine.
First of all, I better write down something while I still have a few threads in my mind.
I had this dream/nightmare that seems real familiar but don’t know why. Unfortunately, I don’t remember much now since I insisted on writing the intro first.
I was living in a huge house, or maybe I was just really small? There were other people there but I have now forgotten what they looked like . For some reason there were these long electrical cords with plug pigtails every foot or so connected all over the house. These cords are identical to ones I periodically use in my real world job. Well this was pointless, I have now forgotten everything I was trying to remember to write down here.
But, then again it’s what has become my normal daily routine. Forgetting everything from one step to the next.
I have a reminder board that helps try and guide me back to this community, making sure I know this is a safe place. I also have a highlighted note there that tells me to remember to not discuss certain topics here because of the fear of the current governments overreaching childish racist, prejudice behavior rolling back the positive acceptance and changes reached over the years and preaching hate masked as religion.
I also highlighted the personal things I shouldn’t discuss here because of that. I think even my personal doctor has given up on me because of the new legal landscape around this country. I looked at the notes left after my last visit and they were very blunt in what they stated. Plus she wanted me to schedule the next appointment six months from then. Which is an extremely long time from the normal times.
She is probably right though. Her final words are probably what is going to be my reality. She has really pushed me for going back to therapy and all that goes with that. I have resisted that for many reasons including the lifetime of doing all of that and still being the way I am. The reality is tgat I think not continuing that path and stumbling into this community was the better path. Especially considering everything happening in this country and around the world right now. Private information including medical information are being accessed by the people in power so that that information can be weaponized against us.
The freedom that we have been lucky enough to have for so long is being quickly stripped away and soon will be replaced with fear and control.
Sorry, I am rambling on about unrelated things. This was supposed to be a spot to write down things before they ho missing from my mind.
I will stop for now..
I want to make sure I say....
Thank you to all of you that have supported me throughout the years since I had been so graciously accepted into this wonderful community. The patience, kindness, acceptance, support and never ending love and friendship kept me somewhat stabilized on the lonely narrow path my life was spent lost in the darkness.
It would be nice if I could say the words I will never forget any of you.... but unfortunately that is why I am trying to make sure I said it before I do completely forget.
I'm so tired but I am having difficulty getting to sleep. If I can get to the point of dozing off, it's not for long. The stress of trying to deal with this life changing detour is to be blamed.
It is really pushing down on me , keeping me from being able to move. How can I be a productive person and earn the funds to pay the bills and keep a roof over my head? Currently I can barely stay on the productive side of the line. But if it is determined that driving is not an option for me anymore. Transportation for employment, if employment is still an option, transportation will be a huge negative impact on that option.
I'm still capable of , right and wrong thinking, at least the times I am doing things with the switch on. What possibilities are there for switch off times? I am currently aware my driving is becoming an extremely risky endeavor. Which is why I am forced into this change.
Even if driving is still an option, my personal truck needs a lot of work to get it back to daily driver status. Depending how rapidly things unravel, I probably won't have the funds to do that.
Definitely can't concentrate right now
Extreme drowsiness is overwhelming lately. Can't seem to get past it. Ringing in the ears is persistent. Losing track of time. Concentration is erratic.
Vision focus and hand coordination issues a little bit ago.
Not sure if I mentioned any of the recent things as far as doctors appointments and testing, or anything else related to this brain flicker thing has forced me to try and go through the process of making it official and making me basically completely useless.
I have an appointment Monday for an MRI. More claustrophobic fun.
Also, eye doctor appointment Monday morning. I was told I just had my last exam midway of last year. But, due to this...whatever this is taking my driving privileges away due to the dangers of what could happen. I am going to see if I need different prescription or just order a couple of replacement pairs , since I am on my last pair.
My doctor squeezed me in the books today and to start is telling my work I am off for a month, until neurologists can start to figure things out. Unfortunately, two appointments for neurologists are not until March. I think my doctor called earlier and said something about one of them being able to get me in sooner since my symptoms are to this point. Something about them calling me to reschedule, I hope that's what they said.
I have to try and navigate this short term disability thing through work.
I am not sure I can handle all of this. Too much all at once.
This has been something I probably should have been more prepared for. I feel blindsided by the full realization of this... whatever?? that is taking away the two main things that help keep me from relying solely on others and becoming an unproductive burden. My ability to safely work and drive.
With everything that has been destroyed by the current political system I don't think I can tread water any longer. I am completely exhausted and have no idea what I am doing anymore. My most recent situation has created an extreme claustrophobic panic in my mind, I feel like i am trapped in an extremely dark, cold and lonely place with immovable walls pressed in tightly around me pressing in on all sides including above and below me, making it impossible to breathe. Even if I could escape it I would just be trapped again and again and again.
Helpless is an understatement, but I am glad there is nobody here to have the burden of dealing with my failures.
Just sent emails to work regarding the time off for the next month. Hopefully the HR team is patient enough to be able to deal with me on doing this paperwork for disability insurance stuff. I supposedly just did all of these things not that long ago.
Not having any real control over my life plus not having anyone to help is .... have no words for what it is
I think I am going to try and figure out how to make or start a different heading or page or whatever this is called, maybe I can try and reread these things easier.
I am guessing probably not though. That is probably why I can't find any of my own writings anymore. I forget things so easily and it's getting harder and harder to remember simple things.
I have forgotten all the wonderful people supported me here. I have forgotten all the things I've written here.
I'm ashamed of not remembering them. I'm ashamed of what I've become.
I'm just ashamed.
Thanks for sharing ⛰️ @Iamwhoiamwhoami
