Things my mind hides or loses….which is beginning to be just about everything .
Trigger warning for many things, not sure of specifics until I write it down
I think I have other writings here …. somewhere…that are similar. Possibly with the same content, intention and purpose. Documentation of my issues and decline so maybe after I am gone that it might help someone from having a “life” like mine.
First of all, I better write down something while I still have a few threads in my mind.
I had this dream/nightmare that seems real familiar but don’t know why. Unfortunately, I don’t remember much now since I insisted on writing the intro first.
I was living in a huge house, or maybe I was just really small? There were other people there but I have now forgotten what they looked like . For some reason there were these long electrical cords with plug pigtails every foot or so connected all over the house. These cords are identical to ones I periodically use in my real world job. Well this was pointless, I have now forgotten everything I was trying to remember to write down here.
But, then again it’s what has become my normal daily routine. Forgetting everything from one step to the next.
I have a reminder board that helps try and guide me back to this community, making sure I know this is a safe place. I also have a highlighted note there that tells me to remember to not discuss certain topics here because of the fear of the current governments overreaching childish racist, prejudice behavior rolling back the positive acceptance and changes reached over the years and preaching hate masked as religion.
I also highlighted the personal things I shouldn’t discuss here because of that. I think even my personal doctor has given up on me because of the new legal landscape around this country. I looked at the notes left after my last visit and they were very blunt in what they stated. Plus she wanted me to schedule the next appointment six months from then. Which is an extremely long time from the normal times.
She is probably right though. Her final words are probably what is going to be my reality. She has really pushed me for going back to therapy and all that goes with that. I have resisted that for many reasons including the lifetime of doing all of that and still being the way I am. The reality is tgat I think not continuing that path and stumbling into this community was the better path. Especially considering everything happening in this country and around the world right now. Private information including medical information are being accessed by the people in power so that that information can be weaponized against us.
The freedom that we have been lucky enough to have for so long is being quickly stripped away and soon will be replaced with fear and control.
Sorry, I am rambling on about unrelated things. This was supposed to be a spot to write down things before they ho missing from my mind.
I will stop for now..
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I love you💖💖
@Tinywhisper11
I love you too 💖 💖
@Tinywhisper11
👁️ 💖 🫵
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I wish you were here living in the carehome with me💖 then I could make sure your safe and looked after well, and we could just laze around all day enjoying each other's company😁💖 have you been looking at your memory board lately?? Does it help??
@Tinywhisper11
That would be an amazing scenario.
How are you? I'm always here if you need someone to listen. I don't have answers but I do listen without judgment, or criticism.
👁️💖🫵
That would be an amazing scenario.
How are you ? I'm not a great one for advice but I am here to listen.
The memory board helps a little. It does manage to get me back here.
💖
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm glad it reminds you to come here 💖💖 I'm just struggling with memories and trauma stuff😥 I'm not doing great but it's hard to talk about it, although I know I need to. I know your always there for me 💖 hugs you tightly 💖 I love you 💗
@Tinywhisper11
💖 I love you too 💖Hugs you back 💖
I understand, I know the depths suffering all too well. You are loved by so many people here, and from whatever little I have seen and read they are really concerned about you.
@Tinywhisper11
💜
@Tinywhisper11
I feel so helpless not being able to take your pain away. Not being able to give you anything besides virtual hugs and support. I know the feeling of not having that simple yet powerful impact of human contact and face to face interactions with someone who actually cares about you.
I don't know if I have ever truly felt the true effects of something like that. Maybe I have and that is something else that my brain has decided to delete from my memories.
I do know, because I am experiencing right now, that I do long so desperately to be wrapped in the arms of someone who truly cares about me. Being in the presence of someone who cares enough about me to try not to "fix" me. To know in that moment that someone truly cares and loves me. This community is wonderful and I appreciate and am very thankful for the support snd love I have been given here. But, I think the simple thing that would make a big difference is that simple actual act of kindness and love experience and felt side by side in the real world. I am sure it wouldn't change anything regarding my issues. It wouldn't "fix" me, or cure me. But I think that experiencing that physical interaction would be my lighthouse, one with that familiar bright light, constantly there in the same spot, Not focused on me constantly, but shining their bright, beautiful light containing their love and support in those times of stormy weather and thick, chilling fog.
Alas, I am not ever going to experience that. The only thing I have that comes close to that is this community. More to the point, you and the others that have been here for me. Unfortunately, my brain is the way it is, and I struggle to remember all of those people and their names. That is something that deeply troubles me, all the wonderful people who have reached out, even with the simplest of words, to try and let me know that they truly are here and they do care. Not being able to remember those interactions, the names of those people, it makes me feel like I am disrespecting them by not remembering them.
It would be nice if there was a simple way to find all my writings here in one place so I could try and utilize that like the reminder board I use to try and help get me back here. So I could remind myself of all the beautiful people here and to reread the wonderful words they have written to me.
I strayed and rambled a bit, but I hope you understand the direction I was trying to go.
❤️ I love you and I will never let go❤️
You are extremely important to me. I am forever thankful to you for being who you are and continuing to be such a wonderful, caring, supportive , understanding, beautiful, generous, talented, determined, loving angel.
Thank you @Tinywhisper11,
💖My hand in yours, my hugs eternal, I am here for you, if you need me ❤️ I love you 💖
I still have multiple things that need to be done as soon as possible. I still have no motivation or desire to accomplish them. I think most of them are relatively simple tasks but I just am out of the give a hoot to get out of bed and do anything at all.
I was able to drag my lazy hind end out of bed for a little bit and started a couple of tasks that proved to be more of a struggle than expected.
I had a set of shelving that I received and was able to put together yesterday. I am putting them in my shed to hopefully finish getting the shed somewhat organized. At least the main floor area would be opened up for my larger junk.
I didn't think it completely through when I put them together. My intention was that I could dolly them from the house to the shed and put them in place. I didn't think of how I was going to get them out of the house. My only realistic option was to maneuver them through the house to the back door. Which meant moving some other, not so light items around to accomplish that. Which was necessary to accomplish another task that I have put off for a long time. Getting some exercise equipment out of the house to put by the road for someone to have if they want/need it. I hope someone does. I think I priced it to move....Free.. well I don't have it to the roadside yet , or a sign in place. However, the stuff is at least out of the house. I, of course had to move things back to where they were. Now, my body is telling me what a stubborn idiot I am for ever buying big, bulky items that realistically I would never use , other than moving it numerous times until it's resting place for however long it has been. At least until this morning. So, I am back where I started this morning until the pain lessens and I can hopefully get some oomph to get up and finish the shed shelf thing and hopefully get that equipment out by the road.
I am struggling to remember what I was trying to write here, so I'm stopping here.
Before I have a complete fade again, I just thought of something I need to pick up with my next paycheck. The lumber for the steps and whatever I decide at that time to cover up the framed sidewalk area. There was a second thing but as usual.... flew away. Which triggers something about a bluebird for some reason..??
That was unusual, just a minor brain flicker.
I decided that I better crawl back to where my furniture dolly/hand cart/hand truck, whatever you want to call it and air up the tires. They seem to always lose air over time. I have a few sets of new looking tires in my garage, so I guess I have tried replacing them a time or two. So, this is just a groan and bear it scenario. Like everything else in my life. Where was I.....tires, ok, I grabbed the cart and was able to get it lifted up the little step to the adjoining room. I was not quite able to do the same with myself, I tripped and ended up taking a graceful fall. Did I ever mention how much I love my life, my body, my brain, my job and everything else regarding me? Can anyone recognize the sarcasm....?
@lamwhoiamwhoami
Have you seen an Alzhemeiers specialists? It can happen at any adult age.
PTSD maybe?
Have you tried a EMDR specialist?
Second opinion, third opinion?
Parkinson's?
@Caramellove118
Thank you for reaching out. Those are all possibilities , however I have numerous documents that I have accumulated regarding my issues and their relation to something called CTE.
The determination is strongly leaning towards CTE. Which is based around a history of concussions, which I have . Including several dents in my skull.
CTE--Chronic traumatic encephalopathy. I will let you delve into exploring that if you so desire to.
Unfortunately, an official diagnosis can't be determined until after death. Then the brain is examined.
Also unfortunate, the main focus with research relates to sports concussions. Which I don't think I ever participated in officially, at least regarding an official team event. Someone like me is not eligible to participate in research studies to help with the topic. Granted it wouldn't help me but maybe someone else down the road.
I am taking some medication that helps a little bit with symptoms. However, too little is known about it to be able to help beyond that.
Granted there may be something else that hasn't been found. But with my history of concussions and head knocks, it makes complete sense. It is the only thing that connects most of the dots.
@lamwhoiamwhoami
Hey a guy who has similiar wrote a book called: "A New Science of Consciousness" by Anil Seth
@lamwhoiamwhoami
You may need that second opinion of a Neuropsychiatrist someone who understands thouroughly neurotranmitters in the brain and the difference berween GABA receptors and SSRI receptors. Even a Pediatric Neuropyschatrist maybe could point you in the direction best fit for you.
