Things my mind hides or loses….which is beginning to be just about everything .

Another trigger warning for any possible reasons, continued venting regarding the daily cascading loss of freedoms utilizing fear and abuse of power in what used to be considered a free country supposedly protected by the Constitution from what is happening now.

In amongst my daily, sometimes minute to minute struggles with my brain flickers, on top of all my other struggles, I stumble across more and more freedoms and protections that are being stripped away with a furious pace of reckless disregard towards reality or true factual basis. That is beyond scary, that is something that can't be explained in a single word. On top of that the fact that pure greed has ostracized this country from the rest of the world. The polarization of society in this country is something I fear can too easily erupt into something that we will never completely recover from, add into that the fact that help from others around the world, at least ones with a moral compass based in reality and true humanity, is something that we probably will never receive due to the greed and corruption that has infected and attempting to overrun our country .

The fear and hatred is ripping apart everything this country was founded upon, and the centuries of conflict internal and external that have molded this country and have helped change the world and make it a better place to live.

Maybe it's a good thing my mind is flickering out. If what I fear is coming does happen, I want no part in it.

I'm afraid of anything I write here being weaponized by the current politicians that are holding this country and the world hostage with their greed, lies, corruption, incompetence and the lack of reality that they seem to surround themselves with and have all seemed to have drank from the trough of poisoned kool-aid of hate and lies, the strange reality that they seem to live in that only they know what is best for the world and anyone who disagrees is wrong and needs erased from their world.

I have avoided and ignored politics because of the stupidity of it. I struggle with way too many things and what is happening now is something that shouldn't have been allowed to even start and it is now affecting my choices or lack of at this point.

Those that have read my past writings hopefully hopefully can understand why I am not just fearful of the falling of things that make this country great, I am fearful because of who I am and my beliefs and all that I have laid to bare in my writings. I don't really remember the things I wrote here, but I do fear that if things keep going the way they are and all the private information including medical records the political people have accessed and weaponized that my writings will bring their attention here and that would be something I would never recover from.

I am actually surprised I was able to focus enough to get this far in this little segment.

Even though I struggle with so many stupid issues, and I suppose my statement about everything revolves around "what is the point", I have pushed my entire being into getting projects done before the white stuff falls and the extreme cold that comes with it. Between that and my job that is falling apart thanks to this political nightmare forcing our customers to slow/stop spending due to financial worries surrounding everything right now and the extreme uncertainty of the future short and long term, but with all this I am beyond drained. I have nothing left to give.

It's OK, I'm have my first reply.

In August 2025, I went through a turning point in my life. Before that, I was caught in unhealthy habits and temptations online that often led to guilt and conflict. Between August 5–7, I made mistakes that left me ashamed and worried about the consequences. Afterwards, I felt regret but also realized I needed to change. Since then, I’ve started my reform—avoiding harmful spaces, focusing on healthier goals like studies and writing, and learning to manage my emotions. My past does not define me; what matters is the progress I’m making toward healing and growth.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ohh! My angel, my heart breaks for all the suffering you endure😥 you maybe afraid of them taking action against things you say or do, but it's also those brave writtings and actions that let everyone else in the world know exactly what is happening over there 💖 you are very very brave and that's why I love you 💗 I know you live in the dark and finding a reason to keep going can be extremely hard🙁 bless you. I wish your world was filled with light and peace💖if you ever end up forgetting everything, just remember this one thing you belong here and you are loved, I love you 💗

I somehow managed to at least get the two sets of steps basically done. It cost me more money than I wanted to spend but , it is what it is.

I have to do something with the sidewalk mess as soon as possible due to it definitely being a bigger hazard once the white stuff falls. The problem is do I rip the framing out and just get more sand hauled in and completely reset next year?? That is extremely labor intensive, an extreme amount of shoveling and would have to rent or buy a tamper to pack it down. The other option is at least two extra runs of 2x4s and a lot of treated 3/4 plywood that should be durable enough for 6-8 months. Another option would be filling with pavers but that would be probably as labor intensive as the sand due to the shoddy crew that seems to have problems with reading a tape measure and creating straight lines.

The only realistic option I suppose is to make a hillbilly sidewalk and definitely put an end to the possibility of getting concrete done this year. It will easily be over 1200 dollars for the lumber for that part . So that plus the cost of the materials for the steps will deplete the money trying to resave for the final project. It is what it is.

Of course if my body keeps going the way it is, I will need to change the project from steps and sidewalk to a ramp.

I am not sure if I am going to be able to finish the welding on the cart before the white stuff falls. I have to get it into the shed and finalize locations for the riding mower and something else, I don't remember what else needs to get in there...

There are so many things that need to get done before my brain completely flickers out.

Took most of the day off work to pick up the materials for the hillbilly sidewalk. Someone this morning called it a boardwalk. I didn't finish it yet. By the time I picked up the lumber and got home the sun was set on hot. It is mostly done as far as the base work, there will be a few more 2x4's to cut and install but mainly have the plywood to install.

I already let work know that I am staying home in the morning to try and get the project finished when it is hopefully cooler , or at least to the point of just having a whole lot of screws to install. Just holding each plywood sheet down with just enough screws to hold in place and the wind can't rip it off too easily.

My brain is not making projects like this simple. I kept bouncing around the way I was going to do it and after buying everything and framing everything in I changed my plan again so if I stick with it I will have more leftover than I planned on. Probably five sheets of plywood. I will probably put them in the shed. I could return them but for the small amount it's not worth it to me to do that. I bought extra 2x4's knowing I would be adding in more supports than the basic plan called for . I actually might use most of them leaving possibly some shorter pieces.

I'm going to take my meds and try to eat something then try and get some sleep. Hopefully I'll get up in the morning and be able to continue the project.

Managed to drag myself out at daybreak and finished all but 2 sheets of plywood that are partially screwed down.

Moved the spraycart into the shed and somehow managed to get it maneuvered into place, not sure how I will get it back out though. Unloaded the extra plywood and put it in the shed as well.

Two days literally crawling around on my knees on sand/gravel putting all that nonsense together and getting up to cut more than back down and up and my body is screaming at me .

It's even more mad at me because my arthritis kicked in while I was carrying a sheet of plywood and I lost my grip so I tried to push it away and it hit the framework I put together and pushed/bounced back directly into my knees.

There's a reason I tried to hire people to do these jobs.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami kisses your knees better 💖 you've done sooooo much😮 your almost ready for the white stuff to fall💖 I hope your enjoying some nice mountain dew, and a nice snack now 💖 I have also been busy😁 actually I've caught a cold, with the temperature dropping 🙁 so I have pretty much been napping for 2 days🙂 but doing alot of art 😁💖 huggggs you tightly but gently😁💖 I love you 💗

Just drug my whiny self out to the garage to find a couple of tie down anchors so I wouldn't order more unnecessarily. I had previously started reorganizing and actually labeling the storage bins with their contents. I was extremely sure I had a few leftovers but it took me probably twenty minutes to find the bin that was plainly and correctly labeled. That wonderful not seeing a large black pan in the middle of a large white sheet thing. I looked at it I don't know how many times and couldn't see it . It is like the item I try to find my mind changes that goal to something like I never want to see that item ever again.

I need to install two of them in the shed so I can strap the plywood in place so they don't fall over and I minimize the floor space they consume. I do need to drill out the mounting holes in order to install a little larger lag screw.

I definitely need to mow this week sometime. We have had quite a bit of rain the last week or so. It is not ridiculously tall yet but it should be growing a lot in the next day or so.

I am really losing focus...