Two Routes to a Healthier Attachment Style

1. Raise your self-esteem.

Unhealthy attachment styles can trick us into believing that our partner is the problem. However, the antidote to your relationship woes can often be found inside of you. Negative self-views are especially detrimental to an anxiously attached individual as it causes them to crave constant reassurance from their partner.

Working on your self-esteem entails, first and foremost, accepting yourself and treating yourself with kindness.

• Know your beliefs. Trying to identify the roots of your maladaptive behavior in relationships through self-observation and introspection can help you catch yourself in crucial moments. For instance, realizing that you sometimes indulge in manipulative behavior and "mind games" because, deep down, you don’t believe that your partner loves you can open the door to compassion-based healing.
• Keep practicing. Compassion has to be developed over time through constant effort. Hoping that you will switch your attachment tendencies overnight is setting yourself up for failure that might further fuel your attachment issues.

2. Keep it real.

Authenticity has emerged as a powerful healer for a number of mental health issues, including insecure attachment styles. Being authentic about who you are and what you feel is an act of self-love. This can be especially effective for an "avoider" as they tend to break relationships when things get real. Being authentic sets realistic relationship expectations for both you and your partner.

Psychologist Petra Kipfelsberger advises focusing on "could" thinking over "should" thinking to develop an authentic way of life. Instead of prioritizing normative behavior and putting effort into how things ought to be (for example, thinking, “I should not want so much space from my partner”), you can instead channel your energy toward possibilities (e.g., “I could have a conversation about boundaries with my partner”).

Read the complete article available at Psychology Today!

Reflection:

Do you have a healthy attachment style?

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