I want to change

I have been gambling for 2 years and this is the first time I’ve even processed that.

I’ve done all the bad things that comes with it. Lying, stealing, borrowing money, got myself into debt, etc.

I know it’s possible to stop, I just can’t seem to think straight when the urge comes.

Iused to fill up all the free time I had with gambling. I started smoking pot to ease the anxiety of losing and that did not help.

I did it in front of people as well, just sneakily.

I’ve managed to hide it very well which is the worst part. Not that I necessarily want to get caught, that would be the most embarrassing moment for me I think. But it just makes it harder to stop when no one is holding me accountable except for myself and I’m doing a poor job at that.

I’ve been sitting on this high horse the entire time, criticizing my older brothers same behavior. He’s worse than me, sure, but I’m no better. And that’s where I’m headed. I’m both blind to it and terrifyingly aware of it at the same time.

The shame from that is eating me alive. I can’t be honest and people see me as this rational and capable person but it is so far from the truth.

I’m working on it