Feel stuck in chasing love

I'm new in this app. I just wanna tell my situation

Since I got into university, I started using chat apps because I felt really lonely. I met a guy and we talked for a month. I was excited bcs during high school I was shy and nerdy, and this attention felt new. But after I sent him my picture, he dumped me. I was so desperate and broken.

Then I used dating apps again and met someone else. He was emotionally distant an avoidant. I didn’t like him at first, but I started becoming interested when he made me question things about myself my voice, my looks, my worth. In the end, he said he couldn’t invest in me and blocked me. That made me doubt myself even more. I started changing my appearance and journaling to heal. I learned I might have anxious attachment, probably from being dumped by a close friend in high school and that first guy.

After that, I used dating apps again. I matched with lots of guys and felt happy from the validation, but still unfulfilled. I was still clinging to people who didn’t want me.

Then I met someone I really admired smart, independent, have goal in life , funny. At first, I was scared of getting hurt, so I don't expect and treat him as bro. But he told me he wanted a relationship. Turns out he also had avoidant attachment. Once we got closer through video calls, he became distant. He said he had a “stone heart” and was scared of losing his independence. I felt devastated and begged. We stayed in a push-pull dynamic for over a year. We even met and traveled together.

Then, two months ago, I postponed a trip to see him. After that, he became silent again. Eventually, he said he didn’t feel the same way anymore. He didn’t feel strong chemistry or emotional connection. Now we barely talk maybe a few times a week. People told me “no contact” would help, that I’ll be fine soon. But I feel so lost and empty when I’m lonely. I keep going back to dating apps but they don’t fulfill me. I keep begging him. And now I just feel like surrendering.

Since I got into university, my whole focus was about men and relationships. I don’t even know what I enjoy anymore. I try to heal, to understand myself, but my abandonment wound always pulls me back to him. I’m scared to let go. It feels like I’ll lose someone I love forever. And it hurts so much. I feel guilty and shame too

I need someone who understands or help. I really don't know what to do right now.