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I feel horrible for not wanting to be clean.

User Profile: DoveryGuy
DoveryGuy 3 days ago

I struggle with SH addiction.

TW: SH

I've been clean for a month and a half but I'm not proud nor happy. I feel grief. I grief to feel the metal dragging across my skin, the blood seeping out. It's just what makes me feel happy, alive and valid. I know you can find validation elsewhere but.. for me, it's from SH. I have no friends. Irl and online. I only have my alters, mom, aunt and my partner.. yet, it's lonely. I struggle with it alone because everyone forces me to stop. They took all the sharp things. They cut out every way I can access it. I understand their worries but it hurts me a lot. I cry every night.. I miss it. I don't want to stay clean anymore. The scars on my thighs are fading and I hate it.

4
User Profile: azam25
azam25 2 days ago

@DoveryGuy

Hi there, thank you for reaching out and sharing what you are going through. I hear how much pain, loneliness, and grief you are carrying right now. Reaching a month and a half clean is an incredibly long time to sit with such intense feelings, and it makes complete sense that you are feeling exhausted and hurting when your main way of coping was taken away.

It is completely valid to feel grief over losing something that, for a long time, was the only thing that made you feel alive, grounded, or validated. When people around you force you to stop and take away your tools, they are doing it out of love and fear for your safety, but it can feel incredibly isolating and punishing. It leaves you facing all that internal noise completely unprotected, and watching your scars fade can feel like you are losing a piece of your reality or your pain isn't being recognized.

Even though you have your mom, aunt, partner, and your alters, feeling lonely in the middle of a crowd—especially when you feel like you can't be honest about what you are craving—is a very heavy burden. You deserve a space where you can speak honestly about how much you miss it without being judged or immediately managed.

Please know you don't have to walk through this dark room alone. Your pain is real, your feelings are valid, and there is no shame in struggling this hard. I am here to just sit with you and listen to how much it hurts, with zero judgment and at your own pace.
User Profile: discreetCoconut6643
discreetCoconut6643 17 hours ago

@DoveryGuy I get it, I struggle to function some days with my porn addiction. It’s different but I feel the same way at times. I try to deeply root myself in God and I feel like I fail at that, and that makes me feel like I am not worthy. Something to think about if you don’t know God, he is good and can be a source of strength. 

User Profile: DoveryGuy
DoveryGuy OP 12 hours ago

I'm sorry but I do not believe in god. I respect your belief but with true honesty, I don't think saying religious things to other people will help at all.

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User Profile: ireallytriedthistime2011

I have the same prob.. I'm 15 and I jus cut myself last night...

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