P/M addiction

hey everyone,

(please bare with me this is going to be a long one…)

im a 25 year old (married) female and for as long as i can remember ive struggled with promiscuity from a very very young age (i would probably say since i was a toddler) i would kiss and make out with boys in my family and even girls and i never understood why from such a young age ive been like this.

fast forward to when i was maybe around 6 or 7 i moved from puerto rico to the united states with a boyfriend my mother had at the time. when i turned 8 he started molesting me, touching me and making me touch him as well. a grown man. though my concious knew this was wrong my body reacted differently and liked it. this marked me tremendously and awakened in me more curiosity and sexual urges. and that’s when i learned how to ***.

at the age of 10 i finally told my mom about the abuse and it was a very traumatic experience to say the least because she genuinely wanted to kill him. my mom blamed herself for years for what happened to me though i NEVER blamed my mom, he was always very slick and discrete about it. my mom did the right thing by leaving him and filing a police report.

unfortunately, when i became a preteen i discovered porn for the very first time. and began watching it a few times in the week and sometimes a few times in a day if i was home alone. i was addicted and have done numerous embarrassing things due to the addiction all in secret…

when i became an adult it became normal to me my friends and i would talk about it like it was a normal thing and along with my addiction i also slept around with any guy i liked and even woman as well. i was trying to fill a void that i had for years of low self esteem, feeling rejected my whole life and feeling depressed and alone and misunderstood all the time.

i eventually met my now husband and the addiction died down for awhile because hes perfect to me and i didn’t feel the need to. but then i saw how he would follow promiscuous women on his social media who looked way different than me and that affected me for a long time (though we’ve over come a lot it still kind of effects me but ive just grown to be numb to it…). and i guess inside me too it was some sort of weird jealousy thing because i also lusted after women..

since being with my husband it has been less i dont do it as often but i feel like the trauma from my childhood has definitely disorted the way i view sex and sometimes as much as im inlove with my husband i cant seem to enjoy it (sometimes not all times bc there are times where i do). however i haven’t stopped completely.

after i had my son, i experienced post partun depression really bad and had an encounter with God (context: i grew up christian but strayed in my teenage years, i always wanted to go back but its hard bc the world had such a pull on me). and that encounter led me to reconcile my life with Christ. i am now walking with God (im christian pentecostal to be exact) and i thought that those chains would be broken and while i did stop for awhile i kept going back to it. ive tried a couple of times to completely stop but haven’t been able to.

i 100% believe the spiritual world is real. Heaven is real. Jesus is real and the devil is also very real. today’s society doesn’t want to accept it because of the internal demons they struggle with but i assure you one day we will all stand before God and give account to all the things we’ve done and if we walked in His will and persevered until the end like His word says we will be saved.

ive heard a bunch of testimonies of how God has set people free from these horrible chains. and i wish and i pray God would do the same for me if theres anyone that can do it, it’s Him. but i can’t help but to feel shame every time i fall. im terrified of telling anyone that i, as a married christian/pentecostal woman am struggling with this. i can’t help but to feel like God’s tired of trying with me because i know He is but i dont know how to stop.

if anyone here understands where im coming from, if theres anyone here with a success story (relating to my beliefs) anyone at all that can help me through this.. i need help to regain my faith. i haven’t stopped believing in God but my depression has consumed me and i feel like im falling deeper and deeper in this depression and self hatred because i want to be faithful to God but idk how to… i feel like i have no strength to even pray and ive cried so much in this life that i can’t even do that anymore… if theres anyone at all that understands me and i can talk to here that would help me.. i pray God places that someone who’s gone through this and overcome it and really understands…