(TW: Self-harm) Tired of fighting
There's just not much to live for outside of addiction. I don't want kids and that seems like the only logical reason to want to become a mature adult. I tend to straighten up heavily while in relationships, but that's because love ends up as another type of addiction for me. I generally don't enjoy people and even my best friends speak to me maybe once a year, and that's only if I reach out to them. Whenever I go out and try to meet people or otherwise just socialize, I end up annoyed and frustrated to the point of retreating back into my addictions further.
I'm so sensitive to absolutely everything. It is painful to exist. I try to exercise and meditate and take cold showers and such (all the practical stuff) but no matter how much I do to counteract this feeling, this endless empty feeling remains with me. The only things keeping me going are my addictions and the guilt associated with hurting my mother by taking her son away from her prematurely. I want help if it is possible, but mostly I just don't want to live.
@UNDRGRND1 Hello, I'm truly sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. It takes a lot of courage to open up about these feelings, and I appreciate you reaching out.
It sounds like you're grappling with a complex mix of emotions, sensitivities, and coping mechanisms. It's clear that you're making efforts to address these challenges through activities like exercise and meditation, which is commendable.
If you're comfortable, I'm here to listen without judgment. Sharing your thoughts and feelings can be a significant step, and I want to support you in any way I can. It's important to recognize that seeking help is a brave decision, and there are professionals, like psychologists, who specialize in providing support for these kinds of struggles. Take care 💚
Nothing helps. Listening doesn't help. Being listened to doesn't help. Being social doesn't help. Being antisocial doesn't help. Medication dulls the feeling, but then I no longer feel like myself -- I feel like I'm cosplaying someone who is not so easily affected by the world. It does not feel authentic. It's difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't taken psych meds, but I'd rather die by despair than dull my edge.
The only thing that feels like it has a chance to save me is the love of a woman. I know that this codependent thinking is not something to be idealized, but it still is the case. Friendship and family don't fulfill me in any way, but romance seems to give me a feeling of meaning. I happily drop all of my addictions for romance, but when the love does not work out, I end up spiraling down into addiction harder than I had previously.
@UNDRGRND1 I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. While I don't have all the answers, I'm here to listen without judgment. Relationships can indeed provide a sense of meaning, but it's crucial to also find ways to build a foundation of well-being within yourself. If you ever feel comfortable, discussing these feelings with a psychologist could offer additional support tailored to your unique situation.
Remember, you're not alone, and reaching out for help is a courageous step. Take care.
