Mum

I need help. I am 21, about to get married and I cant have my own mum at the wedding. My family disagree with me they think she should go. But what should I do? She is a liability and turned up to different occasions high and not being able to even talk properly due to her drug abuse. My earliest memory of my mum is of her taking drugs. She started on cannabis then went onto cocaine, amphetamines etc and finally went onto heroin. My whole childhood is filled with her taking drugs, drinking and me being the mother having to look after my two younger sisters while she was spaced out on the sofa. When she was on drugs she become violent and abusive but blamed it on me because I was a ‘horrible child. Ive witnessed her injecting herself with heroin and picking it up and selling it. All of this was normalised by her with her friend eventually offering me heroin at the age of 8. Luckily I was a smart enough child to decline. When I was 11 I finally picked up the courage to tell my dad what was going on and he moved me out of the house to live with him. Once I confronted my mum, when I was old enough, I got told I was lying she was never on drugs and none of it happened. (I forgot to mention she is also a compulsive liar) eventually she admitted it to me and said shed stop. Ive given this woman 5+ chances to stop. I told my family at the age of 13 but none believed me they didnt think it was possible for her to behave like that. I never stopped telling people the truth. When I was 20 it finally came out she admitted it. But once again my family couldnt see the truth they gave her money, a brand new house, a brand new car and dragged her out of the hole she made for herself. She tries my big my affection with money she has been given by my Nanna. So much more has happened she has been abused to partners in front of me (stabbed someone) tried to seduce my fiancé. But everyone still gives her everything. I have been so emotionally damaged by this woman. I have sever panic attacks where at one stage I couldnt leave the house for 6 months. I have problems controlling my emotions and find it difficult to trust people and find friendships without pushing people away. I cant even watch a movie which has drug abuse in because it is to emotionally distressing. Ive always felt ashamed and like none understood. I just think here I might find people who might understand or help me understand.