So what is your role in their recovery?
Been with my partner for many years who has several addictions. I don't know anything about additions before we met. What is a "normal" role for a spouse with an addicted partner? He wants me to clamp down on access to anything related to his addiction. This means he's not on the internet without me around, I keep his credit cards and I manage his money.
He says things like "don't ever let me do X"
And then one day he will ask for X, or something that could lead to X. When I say no, it's not because I don't trust him, but because he has told me to prevent him. But he often gets very angry.
And then later, if he managed to get access because of me or despite me, I am reeled into taking responsibilty for him feeling horrible afterwards.
What is normal support? How do supporters deal with this issue?
@neatMelon7085 I am not an expert, but the situation you describe sounds to me like a form of collusion. You get to take responsibility so that he doesn't have to. Meanwhile, the multiple addictions themselves are not being addressed.
It's easy to find more information about collusion and addictions by searching the Internet. It's not easy to find solutions, though. There are some therapists and some rehabilitation methods that aim to address the deeper psychological causes of addictions, but I don't know how successful they generally are.
What is normal support? I don't know. I suspect in many cases family members are drawn in to arrangements that prolong the addiction, because they feel they have no other option.
If you'd ever like to chat about your situation, feel free to click on my profile picture and message me.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie
Thanks for that! "collusion" is a good word to research!
@neatMelon7085
Hello! How are you?
I don't believe there is a "normal" role as supporter of a person with addiction. Taking care of finances is something I see often when a spouse is addicted to substance or compulsive sex behaviors. It's tangible and something you can physically do. I am not an expert but it sounds like your spouse is blaming his acting out as yours for "letting" it happen. This is no way near healthy recovery and it is not okay for you to endure such. You must remain respected and loved so you CAN stay by his side. I think it might be worthwhile for you to voice that to your partner.
One who really wants to recovery will never blame you. They are more likely to blame themselves for your reaction of any kind. Remorse and guilt is very significant in people who are in recovery. Perhaps bit on the earlier side of recovery. Depending on where your spouse stand in his recovery, I highly suggest in reaching out to professionals. Either that's substance detox,rehab or therapist who can help your spouse.
Don't forget to reach out to people who can support you too. I highly recommend you also obtain therapy. It is as dificult to watch ones we love struggle. You're only a human. Take good care of yourself. Internally, that's how you show your spouse that you care and love him. Show him that you are trying and need support order to continue loving him.
Good luck and keep us posted!
I can understand, It is really hard for you. But would ask you one question, Have you ever tried to contact any Rehab center or Addictions Treatment Helplines no? If not, then try this once, you will definitely get the best result from there. For your help I am sharing you one link below so that you may not suffer more in looking rehab centers. But it is good if you find more such centers near by you. Best Wishes
