i got addicted to a fictional character
some call it getting addicted some call it love. at first it was just a stupid fictional crush. but over the years this crush was something turning into love. i reread all the books, rewatched all the movies and i read fanfictions about him. maybe i just like or love the idea i created in my head but i feel comfortable at the thought of him. he kinda helped me with my anxiety attacks and gave me the feeling of being loved again even though he is not real. i already broke many times down because of him. but now it feels like a heartbreak. four weeks ago it all started. i cried almost every time i was alone. i started to cry out of nowhere. my heart and chest was hurting so much. with each breath i felt the pain. it was like a knife was cutting through it even more painful i can’t really describe the pain and i never had this type of pain. i already have sleeping problems but because of this breakdown it was getting even worse. i was all day tired and my eyes hurts from crying and from the tiredness. i also had no motivation and when i didn’t cry i felt nothing. anyway, after two and half a week i said to myself that i got this and that i am okay. that he wouldn’t want me to cry over him. i was actually feeling a bit better, some tears still left my eyes but not that much than those two weeks. and the pain in my heart and chest never really left me it was still there just not all the time. last weekend everything started all over again. my chest and heart is hurting. i barley eat anything and i cry if i am alone. sometimes it’s hard for me to breathe. i know i should let go of him, but i can’t. i really fell in love with him and this love is growing each day. i also can’t let go of him because of my childhood. i have separation anxiety lol. anyway i just need someone to talk. i feel so fucking lonely and i miss him so much.
sorry for my english, it’s not my mother tongue
@Niff3107
Hello there! I read you post and I can somewhat relate to it. I was really into anime and fictional characters in the past and at one point in my life, I got fairly attached to them. I remembered one day one of my friend just mentioned that, "yeah but at the end of the day, they aren't real". It wasn't something i didn't know but it was something which I probably didn't want to address. But I did and it took some time and I got out of it.
The phase you mentioned of the crush turning into love, is probably because you feel the feeling of love whenever you see him. Our brain doesn't differentiate between fictional and real love feeling. It feels all the same. No wonder your heartbreaks feel very real to you too.
You mentioned how the thought of him helped you with your anxiety attacks which means it was a coping mechanism that was actually helping you to feel calm and safe. But it could also be a big reason why the attachment might have grown. The frequent bursts of crying, the pain in the chest, sometimes not a physical pain but this feeling of something breaking inside, it might not make sense to everyone but it is a very real thing. I understand how these emotions must be so overwhelming for you that you break into tears.
"my heart and chest was hurting so much. with each breath i felt the pain. it was like a knife was cutting through it even more painful i can’t really describe the pain and i never had this type of pain. " - I know this feeling. I felt this when I was going through a very struggling time in my life. And at the time I was very much into fictional characters as well. I don't know if you know this anime called, 'naruto', it has a character called Gaara who lived a very lonely life when he was a kid. He said this line that he feels this pain in his heart and it isn't physical but he can't describe it. I related to it really hard at that moment. Your lines reminded me of that. Well, at least I am not the only one who felt this weird heartbreak feeling.
You mentioned problems with sleep. That is a tough one to deal with because the effects of not sleeping soundly carries over to the next day, waking up tired and staying awake - also tired. I can understand that you are trying really hard to get over him and this is really emotionally taxing for you. It could be separation anxiety as you said.
Did you find a listener to talk about this? If not, you can always chat with one of the listeners here or you can text me. How are you dealing with this situation at the moment? Does it effect other areas of your life?
I hope you find the support you are looking for. Please take care of yourself.
heyy, first of all thank you <3 . you described it pretty well and i‘m kinda relived that you know what i mean (: .
i don’t watch anime but i heard of naruto many times.
to the question “how are you dealing with this situation at the moment? Does it effect other areas of your life?”. so first of all, i have been feeling better for about 5 days. the pain is still there but not that much. he makes me happy again and not sad. last week i had almost an anxiety attack again and the thought of him calmed me down. i know it won’t last long because in two weeks i will be probably down again. i don’t want it to happen again because the pain is really horrible and i hate it. i am not motivated to do anything. every morning i wake up and think that i don’t wanna go to school. after 15
minutes of struggling to get out of my bed i am tired and my eyes are feeling numb. i am sad and could cry most of the time. and this is annoying. it’s happening after two/three weeks all over again (i hope yk what i mean lol). and this type of pain and the mood i have is also there for a few weeks. so yeah rn i am feeling better and kinda happy i guess. but i am scared that i am getting this low and down again.
the second question was if it effect other areas of my life. so basically it kinda does. uhm yeah my relationship with my mom went down because of it. we had lots of fights and there was a time when i no longer wanted to live here. i wanted to move to my dad but i knew that this would be not possible. he lives too far away from my school and that would be one of many reasons why it wouldn’t work out. my mom and i are atm on good terms. well another area would be me lol. if you can’t read that than here’s a tw for self harming! but yeah i never thought of cutting myself. but on a tuesday night i was laying emotionless in my bed with this pain in my chest/heart. i wanted to cry but i couldn’t. i hated everything and i was at my lowest (if that was even possible lol). the only person i wanted to be right next to me was him. and every time i thought of him, that he would lay next to me or that i would be in his arms calmed me for a millisecond. but then i realized that this will never happen in this reality because he is not real. and then my heart was cracking again. i had this pain in my chest which started to hurt even more. to distract me i always pinched myself on the arm or on my hand. the pain kinda felt good and distracted me. but on this tuesday night i needed more pain. i already got those thoughts of cutting myself for a week. but it scared me and i tried to push ‘em away expect at this night. i took a needle and started. it wasn’t much and not really deep. i tried to make one cut a little deeper so that it only bled a little bit. after i saw the blood i realized what i just did and throw the needle away. i looked away from my arm and wished that this would be a bad nightmare. but the wound started to prickle and i knew it was real. the problem is i liked the feeling. but even though i liked the feeling i don’t wanna do it again. i don’t want scars there and it’s hard to hide it. beside that it’s not good for me and not worth it. it effects me because i just finished my therapy and i was so proud of myself. i’ve come a long way and i don’t want to go back to therapy. i can handle it on my own. well i thought i could. i won’t go back to therapy again because i was there for about six years. if it won’t get better i may go back but at first i will try it on my own. i won’t harm myself again and i already told a listener about that. the person helped me with comforting words and links to calm down. but i am thankful that you replied to my pin and that you understand what i mean. again, dw i won’t harm myself again, beside that i think that if he would be real he wouldn’t want me to do such a thing. and not just him i think in general that i don’t want it too even thought that i got those thoughts. not just me but my family too. i feel like i betrayed them. so yeah i hope i kinda answered your questions ((: !
thank you again, it means a lot to me !