Am I a Sex Addict? (This is my story)
When I was a kid, I remember having this neighbor. Let's call him Dean. Dean and his family are very close to ours and he and his siblings would always play with us (except the oldest). Dean was a fun playmate. Until he started to do things out of the blue. He would touch me in places that he isn't suppose to touch and I couldn't stop him because I was scared. He never penetrated me. But he wanted to so he just kept touching me. All stopped when he moved away. But then this is where everything happens.
I began to discover masturbation. But as time went on, I wanted more. I kept masturbating until I was satisfied. I kept watching porn and had... multiple sexual partners online because I liked to explore what other men liked. This caused me to hurt people that I care about. I hurt people who do not deserve to be hurt because of what I do. And I want to stop. I should've back then, but I can't seem to do so. This is something I'm not willing to continue and I always pray to God to give me the strength to just stop and be normal. And then I recently found out that people who were sexually abused when they were a kid tend to be hypersexual today. Not because they liked what happened to them. But because some of them channel their dark past through this sort of addiction.
I'm not and will never be proud of this side of me. But I'm more than willing to change and be better. I'm tired of being like this.
@darknessends hi
@darknessends
I've had similar experiences
//!! TRIGGER WARNING: sexual abuse, pedophilia, mention of terrorism and death!! //
When I was a child the som of my mom's friend would often come over our place to use our computer, it was the only computer in the neighborhood. He always looked up porn on it and made me watch with him and would show me what it was and how it was done, I was around 6 y/o. So I already started masturbating seeking sexual stimuli and exploring my body. I was physically abused by my parents and teachers, my parents would hit me with a belt, threaten me, kick me again the wall, even hold a knife to my throat and insult me, keeping me in my room for long periods of time. Whenever my teacher beat me or undressed me to put me on a heater I felt both horrible and excited in a twisted way, I hated it so much but i didnt know better than to shut up to me it was normal, afterall we were taught that it was the only way an adult could educate a child with, and that teachers were second parents. I always had to go to school on my own so I took the public bus, and nearly everyday adult men would touch me, molest me, force me to sit on their laps.. Etc it went on for years and I had no idea how to deal with it. After all my little self had seen civil war, terrorism, death and abuse. It made no difference to me, adults were educating us, they were older and thus knew better. It messed me up i started dealing with everything by masturbating, (whenever I was sad angry stressed tired... Etc) then a few years later I was sexually abused by my cousin while I slept, and I couldn't even more or do a thing I was completely paralyzed and just.... Let him, I hate myself for it I feel so so guilty everytime I think about it I get this urgent desire to instantly disappear. It just hurts so much whenever i thimk about it, and I think about it every single day. I came out as a lesbian pretty early and still doubted myself and identity for a long time and I still occasionally do. It haunts me, I'm extremely repulsed by these horrible situations and images and yet when I please myself I think of my abusers, and then curl up and cry for hours, because I can't control it. I want this to stop I've even went as far as to selfharm in many ways to stop that habit but it didn't do shit. I managed to stop self harming a year ago, but the urges are still very present. I'm scared to tell my girlfriend, I'm scared to disgust her snd repulse her, I'm tired of living like this I just want to be normal and finslly heal from my trauma...
