I need to stop
Ever since I was little, let’s say about not in 10 or 10 years old, I had one addiction which then turned into a masturbation addiction. Fast forward to now: I am 17 and I still have this addiction. It never used to be bad. I used to be able to stop whenever I wanted, but then it got worse and worse and worse and over time it’s like the more I tried to push away, the harder it pulled me in it’s gotten so bad to the point where it’s ruined past relationships that I used to have. It ruined intimacy for me. and every time I relapse, I get this overwhelming feeling of dread and this high spark of motivation and I say I’m never gonna do this again, but then I end up failing the next day or the day after I don’t know what to do anymore. I have managed to stop for a month, but within that month. I had a very intimate partner and she always wanted to do things and it didn’t help that I wanted to stop, but she didn’t know about my addiction but it ended up ruining the intimacy we were having because all I kept thinking about was the stuff I would watch and then I would start having anxiety about my performance, which would then make things go bad. but I have tried to stop multiple times. Sometimes it works for a little bit and sometimes it doesn’t work at all. It’s gotten so bad to the point I lose sleep it could be nighttime and by the time I’m finished with my session, it’s broad daylight outside sometime around like 7 AM. This is getting out of control and I’m well aware of that, but it’s like for some reason I know I need to top, but I can’t I would ask for a therapist, but in order to do that, I have to get my mom’s approval and she’s gonna be asking questions on why I need one, but I don’t wanna tell her because if I tell her about what I’ve been going through, then I don’t want her to look at me funny, even though she’s always told me I can tell her anything. I feel like I can’t tell her about this one, and that’s what also hurts. I’m fighting this alone, and I don’t wanna fight it alone anymore. I need help, but I don’t know how to get it.
@quickwittedNorth5568
Your situation is complex, and I understand the essence of what you’re saying. I truly believe a therapist could help you. You don’t necessarily have to disclose the root cause right away; you could simply tell your mother that you’re struggling with some relationship issues or experiencing feelings of anxiety. Once she agrees to get you a therapist, you can share the real reason with them—that’s perfectly fine. I’ve also noticed that you don’t simply accept the current situation as a given. In other words, your dependency didn’t just appear out of nowhere; there’s something deeper behind it—perhaps a dissatisfaction with reality, or a lack of emotional intimacy and understanding. The fact that you struggle to hold back for long periods is completely normal; the physical reaction in this context is very intense. However, you can gradually increase the time you’re able to hold back—one day, then two, then three—even if you occasionally slip up. Also, it’s important not to fixate on how long you’ve managed to hold back; don’t keep count—just take it one step at a time. Accept that you may be more sensitive and emotional than others—that’s something you can work on. You’re going to be okay; you just need to get through this phase. As you get older, this may well fade away.
@Voodvins I thank you for your understanding and for your word of advice. I have tried seeing a therapist in the past for unrelated issue, but even then I was still dealing with the same thing. It just hasn’t got as bad as it did now, but even if it didn’t get as bad as it is now, it’s just that asking for help from somebody else, even if it is a licensed therapist, I just have this really big fear that they’re gonna look at me funny or treat me differently because I have so much shame in what I’ve been doing that it’s keeping me from reaching out the proper way.
@quickwittedNorth5568 I’m here if you ever want to talk. I’m 35 now and have had a very similar experience in my life. Mostly porn. I have had it since about 12 maybe? I can’t sit here and tell you it gets easier because it doesn’t. But if you can bring in someone to talk to and help you now, it will make all the difference. Do you have someone you really trust you can share this with and help you? Maybe someone you can call or text when you feel the urge that can talk you though it? I feel your pain and know that God is with you too! I put myself in God and still I sin and watch porn. But he has been so great to me and brought me through this for a reason. Maybe to help you though your addiction? Who knows. But if you know God, he works in mysterious ways! All for the good.
@discreetCoconut6643 I feel like I have multiple people to talk to, but the thing is the shame I’ve built up over the years from this is keeping me from talking to them. My mom tells me I can tell her everything. even the stuff that makes me uncomfortable, and even though I know that with stuff like this I just feel like I can’t, and I know the moment I asked for help about it, I’m gonna go dead silent and they’re gonna keep trying to ask me what’s going on, what’s going on, and I feel like I’m just gonna end up breaking down because it’s something that’s been going on for so many years and it’s only gotten worse. I was able to quit for 30 days but then I randomly relapsed again. And now it’s getting to the point where I don’t even actually like it anymore. It’s literally like I’m being forced to by my own brain, my subconscious is telling me stop. You don’t wanna do this, but my brain is telling me who cares, just keep going anyways. I’m fighting a losing battle one that I don’t think I can ever win, no matter how hard I try and I feel like if I did talk to somebody, they’re just gonna be like, whoa, just stop. It’s not that hard, but it’s easier said than done. like genuinely, I know I’m probably yapping too much, but I felt I just need to get that off my chest…..