Sex addiction with strangers
It started when I was first sexually active at 16. All of my sexually encounters started from an online dating service. Having hookups from apps has become an addiction that has grown continually since my first encounter numbering more than I can count at this point. I don't know how to stop. I have tried. The longest I have gone is maybe 1 month. The addiction has progressed and changed over the years. I've noticed that feelings of anxiety and anger lead me to seek these encounters more fervently. After each encounter it is a release of stress and temporarily relieves whatever anxieties I was feeling before and gives me a feeling of satisfaction and validation. At the same time, however, after the encounter feelings of shame and fear and anger at subcuming to addiction begin. Then in a few days I immediately am drawn back to find another sexual encounter. It's such a viscous cycle that I have been dealing with for 15 years now. I don't know how to stop. Just really need some advice, support, anything that can help me finally break this perpetual cycle.
@DustB Hi Dust, welcome to 7Cups! We are happy to have you here with us. I am so sorry to hear of your struggles; addiction can indeed be a harsh cycle. You show immense self awareness of your habits, which is an important part of recovery. How are you coping? Feel free to check out this forum post for further support here.
I appreciate you opening up to us about your addiction. If you have any concerns or questions, let us know. Feel free to also update us on how you are doing whenever you like. If you ever need to chat with someone, the listeners are here. Best wishes; we are here for you! :)
@DustB
Hi Dust. Thank you so much for sharing. I know that you've listed shame as one of the outcomes for your addiction, so it must take a lot of strength to talk about it with us.
You're on the right track by identifying the emotions that precede "using" as it were. It is really important for you to pinpoint these emotions and perhaps even backtrack them eventually to your triggers. With sex addictions there is a need to feel good, like in other addictions, but there is the other component that it has to include another person generally. Perhaps in some way you feel that you require the acceptance and admiration of another person. You need another person for yourself to feel useful, liked, or wanted. Do you feel like social factors such as loneliness or worthlessness contribute to those emotions that lead to your "using?"
Time and time again we find that addictions are not the "rpoblem" but a symptom of a "problem" and treating the underlying cause is as important as treating the addiction itself. Because of this, using mental health strategies such as copinga nd grounding strategies can be very effective at curbing urges. Do you have any coping or grounding strategies that you use, and would you like to add mroe to your repertoire?
@Hoxenos
Thanks for the comment. I definitely "use" to feel validation and makes me feel wanted. I struggle connecting with people on an emotional level and it's easier to feel a connection by "using". It makes me feel desired and wanted. I really would like to say I have coping mechanisms to try to stop acting out. But I don't. And I need help finding something and figuring out what works. I've tried grounding a bit I guess. But anything I have tried in the past haven't worked. As soon as the desire to "use" starts in my head it's just continuous and the thoughts just grow until I "use". I feel hopeless sometimes at ever stopping it, but that is also a trigger for me. When I don't see any hope at being able to stop I just give in. I have the desire to use today. I got on here instead of my normal pattern. I really need help. I don't want this behavior to ruin my life more.
@DustB
Hi Dust. I'm so proud of you for getting on 7cups to seek support in your urges. It takes so much strength to turn away even for a little bit. Sometimes urges are temporary, and simply finding a way to distract for a few hours can help a lot. Do you have any activities you enjoy that can distract you for a bit? Exercise, tv, a hobby?
It also might be valuable to start backtracking when urges begin and trying to figure out what happened to cause it today. Has anything happened in the last few days caused you to feel disconnected from people, rejected, or not worthy in some way?
Some grounding strategies could be mindfulness, practising gratitude, meditation, hobbies you enjoy, breathing exercises, 5-4-3-2-1 (5 things you see, 4 things you touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, 1 thing you taste), nature walks, exercise, deliberately doing something kind for yourself. I will look for a big list of coping strategies for you and post it here for easy access.
Another thing that I think is important, is finding replacent behaviours to help with the negative emotions you feel. Making genuine friendships can help fulfill a lot of those. Having people to do your hobbies with. Can you think of some other methods of fulfilling those needs without sex from strangers?
@Hoxenos
This is all very good feedback you have put together for Dust and anyone else facing this kind of addiction.
@InquireWithin
Thank you, I appreciate your kind words :)
@DustB
Hi again Dust. I found a decent Graphic of coping strategies I thought may help you. Let me know what you think. Do you connect with anything here? Would you be willing to try some out? Is tehre anything you'd like to add from your own toolbox and where does it fit?
