The thing about video games...
My fiancee and I have been struggling for overa year now with his addiction to porn.
It started out as a casual conversation when he told me that he would never watch porn as long as I was uncomfortable with it.
Long story short, this wasn't entirely true. I caught him time and time again and I tried everything to get across to him how badly it upset me and that I needed it to stop. It was ruining our intimacy, my self-esteem, and our sex life.
After the year mark, I found 7 cups of tea and spoke to one of the lovely listeners on here. She brought me to an understanding that the porn was more than likely less of a personal attraction to my fiancee than I had previously thought. Since then, we've begun using it as an "aid" during sex (though mostly for him because I'm still terribly uncomfortable with it, he does the watching).
Now, we've come across another problem. Since the porn, he's taken a liking to 'sexy' video games. If you're unfamiliar with the gaming community, mods are a means of adding personal content to a video game. My fiancee's personal content includes pornographic and risque features that make me almost as uncomfortable as the porn itself. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm really at fault here, should I just learn to get over it?
My fiancee refuses to remove it just for my comfort and I don't know what to do. It's come to the point where I'm dwelling on it daily. I need help.
First off you have been very understanding and nurturing to your partner's sexual needs. You took something you found uncomfortable and have incorporated into your sex life. You are very open to exploring your sexuality and love with your partner. And intimacy is about exploring and trusting and feeling safe. However, every person has limits and boundaries. There are things that we are willing to try and find nope I don't like this. It doesn't turn me on but rather turn me off--it makes me feel uncomfortable and that isn't a word that should be in the forefront of one's mind when they are being intimate. And speaking about it and being respected for your feelings is important. If you are uncomfortable now then the feeling will only grow. You have been compromising and supportive but now this particular aid isn't making you happy. It has crossed your boundaries and you feel uncomfortable. There should be a balance and you should feel comfortable. In order to make his experience a better one you have compromised but has it made your experience better? It's okay to say I feel uncomfortable with this particular aid and i don't think it should be part of relationship. There should be a honest conversation where a fair compromise is made. Good luck and trust your instinct when it comes to how you feel.
Thank you. Hopefully I can pull from what you've told me in our conversation about it. :)
Good luck and be true to yourself. You love him but you also have to love and feel comfortable with yourself and your actions. I'll be rooting for you.
Hello. I think you've been incredibly understanding by involving pornography in your sexual relationship, even though he knows you don't like it. I don't think you should just get over it, he needs to try to understand you the way you've tried to support him. It's really not too much to ask for him to not use these mods. They don't affect gameplay whatsoever.
We ended up getting into a pretty heated argument about it last night. Which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. Its difficult to just talk with him about it without him getting defensive and angry. But afterwards he removed most of them, he still kept a few because he "doesn't particularly want to get rid of any more." So, I guess I'm getting somewhere. He makes them sound like of su h importance. I don't get it.
I'm glad you found strength to speak your truth and be honest. I hope he realizes the situation so that you all can have a strong healthy relationship. I wonder if a mediator would help in getting him to understand your pov
Your case is not like mine but it does remind me in some aspects to my partner. He has developed a sort of addiction to some amateur porn sites, online dating (just to look)... It's really horrible and disgusting. He was able to give up most of these habits but after a month I discovered he had kept some stuff. Which was like being stabbed, after all the understanding and support I've showed. He is going to therapy and apparently this habit has some kind of root on a trauma childhood... He's done a lot of efforts and commitments since he started therapy. However it's extremely painful to know that there is still a percentage of those habits that are just there and he can relapse any time. Again, i know this is a different kind of addiction but somehow it reminded me. It makes me very paranoid and hurt to know that he could still do this anytime and probably will again because it's just too much for him.
I'm sorry you also have to go through something like this. It seems though your partner is doing his best to seek help and take initiative in developing a well being plan. I hope that as he grows into awareness and into a better/healthy perspective he is able to make amends for causing you hurt and that the two of you can use what happened as a way to grow stronger and closer. You are really brave to hold on and be supportive. You have all the right to have these various emotions. Trust is so fragile a thing. I hope you too are growing and becoming stronger. I'm glad you stood up and declared your boundaries because it got your partner to begin a path of mental health/strength. I think your story can really help here.
Thanks for your words... It's really hard though. A lot of mixed feelings. I haven't really told the entire story to most friends because I feel none of them would support or understand my decision. They would tell me to move on and do better! However it's hard when it's you and the person you love. It's been really surprising to find out how forgiving I can be. But on the other hand I wonder if that makes me look like weak, dependent or soft, to him. It's tricky because I feel he is undergoing this major change because of me and for me, and if I choose to leave I question that he can keep on working on those sacrifices.
I have heard many people talk about this, and what I told them was take a break from him a little while, and see after 2 months if he wants the porn or you. If the porn is that important, well, hate to tell you but he chooses "it" over you. If it hurts you that much, I suggest taking a break from your male companion for a while.
Taking a break will give clarity
I wish it was that simple, I've felt I need to give him and ultimatum and take a break for a time, but we live together and neither of us has the money to leave and be apart for any period of time. Do you have any suggestions?
I'm getting really desperate here. We had a heart to heart and it was the most honest (I had thought) and open he had ever been with me and he had vowed he was done with porn and told me I had nothing to be upset about and for that night, I was blissful, I thought we passed this huge hurdle in our relationship and that everything was going to be okay again, but the next morning it happened again. 10+ porn pages opened on his computer and I caught him. I wish I hadn't. Ignorance is bliss.
Now, I'm a mess. He won't work with me. He gets defensive. And cold. And mean. And then acts like he hasn't said or done anything wrong. The first couple times it happened, I was upset and reacted harshly. The next few times I was little more hurt, but tried to reason with him--have him understand my side of it. After that I tried incorporating the porn into our sex lives. That didn't work. And now this. I'm trying to be as understanding as I possibly can be about it. I'm telling him to just be honest with me and that I won't get mad. But I'm terrified this is just going to make him think now there are no problems with his watching.
I can't leave him, I won't leave him. I love him. And I want to help, to help us. We made a promise to each other that I mean to live up to, but he's making it so difficult.
And now he's mad at me. Says I'm too fixated on this whole thing and that its insane and that he's done talking to me for tonight and left. I think the best thing to do at this point is leave. I've dealt with this for too long now, I love him, but he's been disrespectful and rude far too long, I can't keep doing this to myself.
When my ex was clearly doing something that was not okay, he would get defensive and get angry and throw it on me. None of this is your fault. I want to remind you of that. You are strong and you deserve the samelove and support that you give.
We all support you here and everyone has given you not only good advice but strength. At the end of the day, you choose what you want and none of us will judge you. If you want to fight for this love, then go for it. If you want to leave, if you think it's unfair and you no longer want to fight then we will supper you as well. Just don't make excuses. Don't stay because of rent or because you feel like you are abandoning him. The choice you make should be made with your heart and with what you believe you can handle. Take a deep breath and ask yourself what you want to do. Don't think about your friends, don't think about him. What do you want and what are the actions that will lead you tothat goal.
Your words have helped me so much in this. Thank you. :)
It's comforting to know that there is a place I can go where I won't be judged for my questions or concerns.
@albouegrl I have some experience in this area. My husband is a recovering porn addict and it has been a very long journey.
You have been very understanding of his needs. You too have needs and it seems that the need you have to to feel comfortable with his online life and if that involves video games it may be time to have a conversation about your comfort level with his characters and profile. He may see this as a "safe" way to experience porn without having to give it up entirely. He is fooling himself to believe that if he places porn in a place that is "safe" then it is better. Having an honest conversation with him about it is the only way you are going to feel heard. Addiction is strong and often when confronted the addict feels defensive. This is normal. It is also normal for you to share your thoughts about his behaviors.
I wish you the best of luck. You deserve to be comfortable and not have to compromise your values for his addiction. Take Care.
