What I've never said to anyone
At the beginning, I want to clarify that I am a woman and the youngest of my three brothers.
When I was in primary school, I was polite, kind, and a good student. I had never been exposed to any explicit sexual content, and I even used to skip kissing or dancing scenes in movies because they made me uncomfortable.
Later, when I was in preparatory school, a fake social media account sent me an explicit image. I immediately deleted it and blocked the account. Some time later, I accidentally found explicit videos on our family computer, which made me realize that one of my older brothers had probably been watching them. Out of curiosity, I watched some of them, although I felt uncomfortable and disgusted.
After that experience, some of those images stayed in my mind and even appeared in my dreams. My feelings of guilt helped me stop, and I was able to avoid this type of content for almost three years throughout secondary school.
After entering medical school, the increasing academic pressure and anxiety affected me. I started reading novels, then romantic stories, and eventually more sexually explicit fiction. Later, I found myself returning to explicit online content. My progress was inconsistent, with periods of improvement followed by relapse. Whenever I replaced this habit with other activities, such as watching TV series, learning programming, crocheting, or making handmade crafts, I was able to stop for a while. However, these activities also became a way of avoiding my studies.
Then both of my parents passed away, and I started living alone. I graduated from medical school and began working, but the stress of work and studying continued. I still tend to postpone studying until one or two days before exams, and thankfully God has helped me succeed so far.
Now, loneliness has become my biggest trigger. Whenever I am alone, I often return to viewing explicit online material and engaging in sexual self-stimulation. Sometimes I even do this simply because it helps me relax and fall asleep more quickly. I no longer feel that I am fully in control of this behavior, when any one say some thing nice about me I don't feel happy enough deeply I say I'm not that good person, how I can overcome it in a healthy way.
I need help from anyone who passed through that before.
@rjoliet
I understand that you see yourself doing behaviours that you feel bad about and you want help to stop.
I wish I could help, because this is clearly causing you some distress. But the problem is, I see these as normal activities of learning about your sexuality. And thus I don't see it as bad or wrong. So I'm not going to be a lot of help in stopping them, when I see no logic in it.
I wonder if you are lonely, and seeking connection and that's why other activities don't fill the gap. Humans need intimacy, and it doesn't have to be sexual intimacy, but if you have no intimacy, sexual intimacy can seem to fill the gap.
I too have passed through the same . I was a bright student in my primary school years and I was proud of it . Eventually in my high school years I got my new phone but it started small from watching short sexual skits to real porn and whenever I finished I was overwhelmed by guilt . This vice has ruined my life and I am trying to stay away from it . Jus try daily meditation it will weaken the addiction from the root . And also engage in Scripture reading and gratitude. May God help you and me out
I don't know if it matters that I am a male. Though, I have been struggling with the same issue. At one point it was so bad that it affected me at work, college, and home. I know I was depressed and when my mother was diagnosed with a second cancer it all became worse. I was completely in the dark and disgusted about myself.
I always thought that porn addiction wasn't real. People always said it was a made up story to want sex and have self pleasure. But no. It really is real. The way it molds our brains and controls the mind and body is all very real.
Which in my case. I finally decided to go see a psychiatrist. I told them my main focus besides the depression was to control the addiction. Which we started on medication and they have been helping out!
I would suggest, if you are really at your wits' end, try seeking medical help.
I know people say to try meditation or scripture and ask God for help. But, what people forget is that 1, it molds our brains differently so it can be harder for 1 and not the other to give it up by those means, but 2! God has allowed for progression of medicine which in itself is seeking help from him. A reason why he blesses those with skills to save others and find new ways to treat people.
I hope you keep fighting this. Don't put yourself too down because no matter what, you are still special! As everyone is here for one reason or more. And, if you need someone to talk to or listen, I'm here.
@rjoliet, Hi there I am someone with the same problem as yours who's still trying to reconnect with myself as I've learned that addiction regardless of the kind is the disease of separation between one and one's self and the world, so I am looking for a mate to share this journey, if that's something you're up, you're welcome to contact me
Hey 👋 just came across your post an was reading an resonated with so much. If you would like to chat im happy too. I also noticed you crochet.. I am a fellow crochetter too. :)
