What Does Social Engagement Feel Like For You?

@blitheSun94 Oooh, eye contact is super-difficult for me, except in some rare cases (have yet to understand the distinctions well). I had heard that it is a sign of depression, but recently learned I am on the spectrum, and all the features I have that are common among Aspies make me feel that this is the root of it. I've realised most of the time I am just looking at something else or staring at some other part of the person's face near the eyes. I wonder if other people sense this on some level though...

@blitheSun94 Great question.

Short answer: probably a lot different than it does for the other people involved.

Long answer: I constantly have a endless web of thoughts running through my mind too fast to articulate into words, not that they're relevant anyway. I've kinda always lived in my own world. Being independent has always worked out best for me so now I'm connected to many disconnected people and groups and it can get overwhelming keeping track of everything.

I'm still getting used to "adulting" and all the new social situations. I'm getting better at forcing myself to focus on what's in front of me but I can never find enough time to sort through everything I put on the back burner so it pops up randomly. It started out with being productive while I'm commuting or doing errands and now I find myself zoning off while people are talking to me even if it's important. 1 of many helpful habits I developed in college that bit me the moment I got out. But I digress. Anyway I get reminded of a ton of things during any conversation. Most are much more relevant to me than anyone else in the room.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a caring person. So caring I can't help thinking about you when I'm talking to someone else and thinking about them when I'm talking to you. I have this constant desire to find ways to improve things, especially helping the people around me. I take in as much info as I can in any given situation. It helps me collect different perspectives and stay balanced rather than getting emotionally carried away. Then of course sometimes I end up way too focused on the wrong things and get secretly emotionally carried away on some tangent. Enter weird expressions and staring off into space.

I seek out inspiration in the tiniest things and try to channel everything I experience into some constructive perspective. I love when I can talk with someone freely and let my inspiration run wild and feel each epiphany to the fullest because no matter how dumb it'll sound tomorrow, there's probably something productive in there somewhere that could inspire something way down the road. Those moments are like a high for me, a reminder why I love being alive, but they're rare and often dangerous.

Ironically, those conversation that mean so much to me usually happen with people I just met or finally had a real conversation with. There's no precedent or assumptions and anything's fair game. Your perspectives are fresh to each other so it's easier to make profound connections. Once you know someone super well they know most of the wisdom you have to offer and the way you can be there for them changes. You know how to make them laugh, distract them etc. but you find the profoundness giving way to YouTube videos mindless jokes.

Don't get me wrong. I very much appreciate the comfort level when you can be around someone and not really say anything without it being weird. I cherish those moments when I can interact with someone without doing the work of constructing sentances while simultaneously getting a point accross. I only feel that level of comfort with a few people and sometimes I feel pressure to make memories happen before they replace me. I know that's not going to happen but I'm still new to friendships lasting more than a couple years so I can rarely get a moment free from overanalyzing the situation.

It's the same way with people I don't know that well because I have a hard time deciding what's appropriate. People say a lot of things I say don't make sense, especially when I go off on tangents exploring deep stuff, so I try to keep it light and funny and let other people guide more. I enjoy listening more than talking anyway since I find it more interesting to hear different stories than tell the same ones repeatedly. It also helps me learn as much as possible about the other person before sharing too much.

I have a habit I'm trying to break of telling the wrong people too much. I have an unresolved jumble in my mind and by the time I think through whether to bring up something personal, the time has usually passed. Even with close friends, I almost always only bring stuff up when it naturally comes up in the conversation because I don't like making it all about me or derailing what they wanted to say. So when it does come up naturally with someone I don't know that well I have this impulse to dive in. I usually look away and make some uncomfortable face when I'm trying to fight it too haha. Hopefully it doesn't offend anyone.

Anyway I crave those deep, inspiring conversation, but a lot of people who intentionally set you up for them at the first meeting have a hidden agenda. I'm over wasting time stressing over whether my secrets are getting out in circles of gossipy people no one would believe anyway but I'm still afraid of attracting manipulative people since I have a hard time getting away from them. I'm awful at confrontation and I've spent months feeling trapped in toxic friendships.

One thing I noticed is that with all my close friends there's been some reason I thought we wouldn't be compatible as more than acquaintances eg. something I've disagreed with them on or something they focused a lot on that I thought was silly. These things usually came up early on but sometimes after we'd been friends for a while. I usually didn't say anything because I didn't judge them. I just didn't expect things to progress as much I guess but then they did. That's real friendship if you don't have everything in common and they're not the most convenient person to hang out with but you do anyway. Then there are the people who come off like a too-good-to-be-true dream friend and leave you wondering how someone like that could exist in the same world as you. They're the ones who inspire me to dive in because maybe, just maybe, they could have the answer to one of the many question running wild in my mind. Trap set. I'm still working on figuring out how not to fall in, another reason I like to keep it light.

I've cut back on going out to meet new people since I've got my life more together than ever and I don't have room for drama. Now I mostly meet new friends through mutual friends. At this stage I have a few really good friends but still no idea how friendship works haha. I've never really had a group with a consistent schedule. I wanted it so bad in college I let some people give me 0 respect. The validation from always giving and never taking fell through when they finally really let me in...and wanted my help hurting people. After cutting them off I ended up with a bunch of friends who don't know each other. I like the lack of group drama but I do enjoy hanging out in groups because there's no pressure to always have something to say and I can jump in when I do. I also learn more about people watching them interact with each other (and see what they're like when they're not reacting to my quirks hehe.) I prefer events where there's something to do so there's something else to focus on besides talking and it also doubles as something to talk about. I can also let loose more without the pressure of constantly keeping a convo going.

Since I always got a million things going on in my head, I often forget to ask about that super cool thing they were psyched for the last time we talked. I don't mean to be rude. I genuinely care and I'm super curious once I remember to ask (or after the interaction is over if I forget *face palm*) I just don't have easy access to the "where we left off" file, especially at chance meetings. That & accidentally offending someone are my main worries when I'm around people.

over stimulation from everywhere and people having too high expectations.

A whole bunch of fakery to filter what I really want to say.

"How are you today?" "A little tired but good", but in reality I want to say that i slept like crap and feel like I

@blitheSun94

Social situations are often loud and bright, very overwhelming. Sometimes I enjoy feeling part of something, but I will often step outside for a break so I can calm down and stop feeling as though my heart is going to escape my chest from all the adrenaline. I often talk too much and too quickly when stressed and I struggle to see if I am saying the right thing, I often go with laugh alot and noone will think anything is that strange. I often have to pretend I get jokes, because in reality I often need someone to explain them to me in detail before I understand what they are getting at.

I can deal with social situations if I have a drink, but normally I avoid them to be honest. I am more than happy on my own, I get to do my own thing and I can read etc. If I am out in public without socialising I often wear headphones (mine have part noise cancelling) so I can cut out all the sound.

I get exhausted socialising quickly, and I really struggle to follow the conversation often dropping in and out of conversation and pretending I know whats going on, while secretely planning a peice of code I was writing earlier in the day. If I go out I have to plan an 'escape route' so I know I can get home, or somewhere quiet quickly if it all gets too much or I start to panic much quicker than usual.

Sometimes im a social butterfly, nice to even strangers, then like a switch ill get super anxious, introverted, and unsociable. Its weird. Mostly im the latter, with hating social interactions. I always feel like everyone us judging me and i cant help but blurt out random stuff, making the situation. I struggle with looking people in the eye, and say things that are deemed ‘innapropreate

Social situations related to work are much easier for me than anything personal. A similarly minded coworker pointed out that we more or less are "scripted" at work which helps a great deal. (We work retail)

Work. Hard work. It feels rewarding when I did well but it feels terrible when I don't. I have to act, speak informal language, decide within milliseconds which action is acceptable, when and how exactly I do it. Is my voice pitched correctly, do I speak too formal, does the other understand me or do I need to explain, is there a muscle twitch in their face? Yes? What does this mean? From experience it means xy okay so what does that mean to me and how do I react to it? These are just a small preview of all the thoughts that I must consciously decide on within milliseconds.

Over the years I have gotten better and nowadays I became a very skilled actor, I was told that I don't behave weird anymore at all (unless you get close to me and spot me making mistakes).

However it is exhausting. I need breaks and that's why I only socialize when I see a good benefit for me from it (not being alone because being alone makes you become a target for bullies etc.)

I don't have sensory issues (just a bit sensitive) so I can survive in a crowd of people too. I mean I went to the Gamescom and got struck in the mass amount of people so I literally had to push them to move forwards

The best word I can consistently use to describe it is draining.

I think it's a common misconception that people on the spectrum are afraid of being social, but that's not true in the slightest; we need it just as much as anyone else, and there are some interactions that are super enjoyable. We love spending time with friends and family, and we enjoy getting to know people.

It's just that some of us can only do it for a very limited amount of time, even on the best of days.

For me personally, I'd say my limit ranges from anywhere between one and seven hours. It depends on how many people are present, how active they are, and how well I know them. As time goes on and I run out of things to say, though, my mind just sort of shuts down. I find it really difficult to initiate anything unless it's something I'm excited about or someone else likes. Otherwise, it's kind of up to them to talk to me.

I too find socializing draining. I am an introvert with sensory processing struggles. This topic fascinates me. Thank you all for sharing.