Don't have anyone else to share my feelings with
I just wanted to share my thoughts here since I've been struggling in silence for a long time.
I don't know why, but people always find me to be 'too much', 'oversensitive', 'impatient'. And now I've started to realize that they must really think that I'm overly dramatic about my feelings, about my sufferings. Can't tell.
I've been with people who have planted this belief or insecurity within me. I always think a hundred times before saying something, especially if it's about my feelings. Because I feel like I'll become a burden, too much to handle, and people will leave me.
Recently, I've been in a clash with my best and only friend. The reason she says is that she realizes she's been 'devoted' to the friendship, and I wasn't. That it affected her when I shared my sorrows with her, and it cost her her future, her career. She told me that she's doing better now that we aren't talking much, and she doesn't have to listen to me anymore. I didn't lash out because I'm really trying to be a better friend to her and save our friendship. I told her that it was okay, that she doesn't have to give any efforts right now and that I'll still always be there for her.
She told me that she admired me so much that she wanted to be like me, the 'perfect' friend for me, 'perfect' in my eyes. I don't know why I never realized that. Probably because I never feel the words being able to reach my heart: "I admire you", "You gave me confidence", "You're strong". I don't know why that happens.
Now, she probably thinks I'm doing fine when our friendship is at stake. I wish I could tell her that I'm having insomnia again, that I've lost all my motivation to work, that I'm just trying to survive. My hobbies don't feel interesting anymore; they all feel like pressures. I wish. But I can't... and I don't think I'll ever be able to share my sorrows with her again after this. I will always have this thought in my mind - "I held her back". I know it's probably not my fault. But there's no other way. I don't know how I'll survive... but I guess I'll just try.
@quietKiwi7304 hey!! first of all my friend, i’m really really glad you said this out loud. what you’re feeling makes sense, even if people around you have made you feel like it doesn’t. i want you to hear this clearly: you are not TOO MUCH! you’re just a lot of feelings and that’s will NEVER be a flaw! it’s a sensitivity that never got protected the way it should’ve been friend. when people keep reacting like your emotions ARE the problem, you start shutting yourself down without even noticing. you learn to edit every word, because you’re scared of being judged. and you know what? that's a NORMAL reaction.
AND about your friend, this part hurts, but that's happen ! that doesn’t mean YOU did something wrong, it just means the balance relationship wasn’t healthy, for either of you... and NO you did ruin her carreer, or her future !! the little body of yours isn't carrying these HUGE things, i won't believe it !! she’s allowed to step back, and you’re allowed to be hurt by that. both can be true without you being the only reason of it, see ? You're not ALONE. Better friendships balance will come to you friend, and this time being a better friend do NOT mean being closed or silenced, it never was ! you're erasing your own-self, accept who you are mate, someone will accept your deep feelings when you'll find purpose in it !
for now, focus on YOU: getting rest and finding even ONE safe place where you don’t have to be careful with your feelings like journaling for example ? thank you for sharing this, it's a deep reminder for all of us about the complexity of social dynamics.💗and you're still trying to fix it ,this tell us a lot about your streght my friend even if you don't feel it yet !! take care!!
I read this thread because i could relate and your response makes so much sense it literally made me cry. Thank you for being and amazing person that you are 😭
@Noor18 ohhh 🥹 thank you smh!! I'm glad I could help a bit 💌 you got this!!
