Feeling Stuck
I don't know how to communicate with my ADHD husband anymore. Lately he gets upset in almost every conversation we have, even about small stuff. Especially if it involves planning or figuring things out. Its to the point we cant make plans together or get to a place of mutual understanding. He gets frustrated, then angry at me, then usually bails on the conversation or suggests something radical that he obviously doesn't mean. Sometimes he throws objects across the room and then storms out. I don't like to call it an overreaction because Im a sensitive person myself, but that is how it appears. I can deal when it is about small things and he has had a really bad day. But when it's a serious conversation and I am seeking emotional support and a connection with him, it is deeply hurtful when he bails or gets angry with me. My needs usually go unaddressed and the conversation somehow becomes about him instead. I'm left feeling like my needs are not important to him and that he does not want a connection with me. I feel like I don't matter to him, when he acts like this and it makes me think he doesn't love me anymore. This has left a lingering sadness in me lately and I don't know what to do to make things better for us.
How do I respect what he is experiencing with his ADHD and also respect my needs that are going unmet in this cycle? It is causing a serious disconnect in our marriage. I want so badly to just have a productive conversation where we both come out feeling supported and connected again. Like we are a team facing the challenges together. I just don't know how to get there if everything is an upset.
Any insights are greatly appreciated! Admittedly I am new to the whole ADHD thing and I want to understand what is going on. He has a hard time putting things into words, so Im hoping other perspectives may help shed some light.
@Rex4Life
It might truly help you to meet with a support group and learn what helps in communicating with someone with ADHD, to enable you to talk openly with your husband, but to also not feel alone, and to know, your feelings absolutely matters too 💙
Girl im going through the same thing ur not alone. Remember that u got this, its a self esteem thing honestly.. If u ever want to have a vent Session im always here.
Thank you so much. It's good to hear I'm not alone. Sometimes I feel like I don't have this, but last night we managed to have a productive convo. That felt really nice! I appreciate your offer to vent, that is very kind of you. Thank you for the support!
Np girl!
Here's what my husband says when he's about to give me constructive feedback: "I'm not mad at you," "This isn't criticism, just a suggestion..." or, "You're doing a great job at ___. Can you...?" I wonder if any of those will help you. I also wonder if he is under a lot of daily stress and needs help managing it.
These are really helpful suggestions. Thank you! And yes he is under a lot of stress at work. He actually put in his resignation and we are getting closer to his last day, and then we are moving out of the state. It's a lot to manage, and I have taken on everything I can at home to help make things a little easier for him during this really hard time. But he still doesn't get the support he needs and has asked for repeatedly at work. Which is of course one of the reasons he is leaving that company. He was there for over 11 years, so this is a really hard one. I think this is just gonna be a really difficult time for us and I'm not sure there is much I can really do about it.
My husband gets really sensitive when he's stressed, too. Another thing that helps us is when I ask if now is a good time to talk, or ask when it would be a good time to talk about __. I hope all goes well with your move! That's a huge life change. Bless you for taking care of everything at home.
I am ADHD, he is overwhelmed he needs medical help to help him calm so he can be man he wants to be. Please show him this message at a calm time for him.
If he won’t accept help that will ultimately have negative consequences.
He likely needs adhd support long term and low dose mental health medication asap so he can process what is going on. Those who go crazy are put on high doses of calming drugs antipsychotics and mood stabilisers.
It sounds like he needs low or moderate doses until he can start processing. But I am not a doctor.
If he wants to contact me I am here.
I feel you beauty. We went through the same challenge and I noticed with my partner. He feels stressed cause every hard conversation means a problem that he needs to solve, even when he doesn’t have the answer and tends to make him jump to catastrophic conclusions. Maybe your husband has a pattern but he also needs to learn his triggers and get professional help to guide him :) and you can support him through.
A joint counselor helped us a lot but he still had to do individual work. I always wondered why everyone talks about adhd struggles but not the adhd partner burnout. I keep learning more to support my partner but ultimately it is the willingness of your husband to want to make a change as well.
My heart goes out to you 🤍
I feel you beauty. We went through the same challenge and I noticed with my partner. He feels stressed cause every hard conversation means a problem that he needs to solve, even when he doesn’t have the answer and tends to make him jump to catastrophic conclusions. Maybe your husband has a pattern but he also needs to learn his triggers and get professional help to guide him :) and you can support him through.
A joint counselor helped us a lot but he still had to do individual work. I always wondered why everyone talks about adhd struggles but not the adhd partner burnout. I keep learning more to support my partner but ultimately it is the willingness of your husband to want to make a change as well.
My heart goes out to you 🤍
As someone with ADHD, that's not ADHD. That's anger issues.
