I'm panicking, even though I'm outwardly calm

I don't know why I decided to write here. Actually, I'm from Belarus and English is difficult for me (I'm writing this text through a translator, although I can read the responses without it). I guess it's just extreme desperation. I can't share what's in my head with anyone for certain reasons. And the only place where I can write and where no one knows me is here... I have a debt from one training program in a profession where I failed. I plan to try again when I feel I can handle it all mentally and can invest both my heart and money, which is also quite important. But. I'm studying at a medical school (for free). I work at a bakery as a barista-baker. Plus, there are the fruits of that same unsuccessful training (spoiler: the job title is blogger manager). I'm simply inspiring to the point of *** about this life, this diversity, this abundance of information. But I'm so tired. I want to study properly, but I don't have time because of work. I want to take the training on the new final menu (it's basically a must), but the first class on the right day is medical biology, and I already have poor grades in it and simply cannot skip it. I might have problems with the management again, since I return to the dorm late. I rarely communicate with my family, even though I love them very much, because I don't have enough time. The same with friends. I can't quit my job yet because I need to pay off my debt. It will take two months. I have to survive these two months, just until December, until the New Year. Then I will start all over again, anew. I feel like a shallow person. I smoke, I don't have enough money, I'm pressed for time, I don't have the moral resources to study well (I used to always be an excellent student). I don't know how to express everything that's in my head, but it's disgusting at times. Inside, I'm simply panicking, but on the outside, I'm smiling and working like a horse. I'm used to always taking a hit, always managing on my own, taking responsibility. I understand that a couple of months isn't so bad, and some people can't get their lives together for years. But why the *** am I, at 17, doing all this, working like crazy, trying so hard? And someone else is simply wealthy, they've been sent to all sorts of classes since childhood, they're now a fully-fledged, charismatic person, with tons of time and resources for studying, and so on. And meanwhile, I just want to be somewhere underground or feel pain, to punish myself for my bad thoughts. Lord, I don't even know if even one living soul will see this, or if it will remain somewhere in my drafts or just be swallowed up by the internet. But if anyone hears this, I'll keep quiet, please help..