Struggling with Motivation, Memory, and Self-Worth: Seeking Advice and Support

I'm 29 and my memory has worsened over the years, along with my command of the English language. I forget common words and mostly feel low. I’ve stopped taking care of myself and no longer enjoy activities I used to love. I feel like a shell of my former self, lacking the motivation and energy to improve my life. I procrastinate a lot and feel almost dead inside.

When I was at my last job, I constantly felt the urge to commit suicide because it was horrible despite the good pay. I eventually quit, disappointing my parents. I was unemployed from October 9, 2023, to March 11, 2024, and now have a lower-paying remote job with less pressure. My libido has decreased, and I no longer desire relationships or impressing girls. I find no joy in anything, live in fear, and am extremely cautious. I used to be attractive to women, but now I don't take care of myself.

I have trouble sleeping, and thoughts about my future keep me up at night. I thought getting a job would fix things, but it hasn't. I still feel unfulfilled despite regularly going to the gym, something I started in 2019. I now only go through the motions, feeling like I would commit suicide if I lost my muscles. I eat unhealthy food most days and have lost interest in football, which I once loved.

I feel like I’ve let my parents down, especially compared to my successful brother. I feel like a burden and have experienced constant job rejections for seven months. Even now, I face rejections while looking for a better-paying job. My motivation for working out has dwindled, and I just show up because it feels better than doing nothing. I’ve isolated myself out of shame after quitting my high-paying job, ignoring calls from classmates and former colleagues. I believe people enjoyed seeing me fail due to jealousy over my high placement package. This belief causes extreme stress, feeling that people want me to fail.

I don't even want a relationship or marriage. Nowadays, girls are quick to cheat on great guys so how can my situation be any different? I feel ugly and fear that any girl might cheat on me for a taller guy. I'm not rich, so I think that wouldn’t deter her from cheating. I feel my muscles no longer attract women like they used to. I used to get validation from women checking me out, and it gave me confidence. I played the guitar and went to the gym to attract girls, not for health. I liked it when girls looked at me despite having boyfriends, as it made me feel good and confident. Girls desiring me was my only goal, making me feel worthy of love.

I also feel God is no longer with me. I don't feel his presence around me anymore. I don't know why I tried to pray but I am not feeling the warmth or closeness like I used to when I was younger. I remember when somehow everything worked in my favour back in the day as if God was looking over me. Another point I want to talk about was my guitar journey. I played guitar from 2013 - to 2018 roughly on and off. I was good and wanted to make that my career but I was not earning money. So I had to quit and study for an MBA. To get a job and earn money. I don't know the day I left playing music I kind of died inside. I was never truly happy after that. I did workout and everything but still I wanted to make this my career. I know I played music to impress women but eventually it became something I wanted to do for long because it felt like a game and I could spend days and hours behind it. I also get extremely annoyed when people laugh at things which are not funny but generic. Generic things don't make me laugh. I only find humour in Dark jokes.

Currently, I find living pointless. It's almost like everything is going against me and all the wrong things are happening with me. I lost motivation to workout and I am no longer happy. There was a time when walking used to cheer me up but not anymore. I feel death would be a release at this point. I am in a bad job and sometimes I feel a good job might fix this feeling but I am positive it won't. If I am being honest I don't want to work under anyone. I am having trouble falling asleep. I just have the worst thoughts about everything. Sometimes I feel only bad things happen to me. I lost appetite and motivation to improve my life. I wish I was better. My age is 30 so that depresses me even more that I am no longer eligible for most things. Sometimes I feel I destroyed my life and there is no way to fix it.