Why I Joined 7Cups

Sitting in a stew of self hate and anxiety rn. Last week I didn’t pass my drivers test. When taking the test I was a ball of anxiety and when I failed I broke down. Now, in context - I get good grades and I do well in the activities I join. And I know that it makes sense, that I would get good grades and be that person to make my family proud and to achieve good things in life…. But it really isn’t that. I have to get good grades and do well in what I do because my brain won’t let me do anything else. I have to do it so I gain a sense of control, that is one of the very few things I have control over in my life. So I don’t fail things, I bust my butt barely getting sleep some nights to maintain the grades, I over exert myself physically and mentally to be good- if not better than when people last saw me because that means I am controlling parts of my narrative. So again, when I didn’t pass my test…. It was horrible. I had multiple panic attacks that night and the rest of the week. My parents wanted me to just schedule another one right away, to get it over with. I want to so bad, like I really do, but every time I even think about scheduling another test I have a mini panic attack. And every time after those attacks I feel guilty and angry at myself for not bucking up and getting it over with. To make matters worse, my mom put a deadline for me to call by the end of the day.. and I pushed it off and at 4 my mom yelled at me and told me I had to call them, but it was too late and they closed and she got even more mad at me. I went to my room and I couldn’t even feel anything- just numbness and then lots of self hate and anger at my cowardly actions. But even as I sit in the hate I feel fear spike in me every time I imagine taking that test again. I know I am probably just ranting and probably overthinking and overreacting like my family says I am- but I can’t shake these feelings