2 months to figure something out

Hi everyone,

It's been some time since I've been here but that's good, the last two years of my life have been better, new therapist, new meds, taking lots of steps to improve myself.

However last night I lost it entirely.

I've had equal OCD between my siblings for years, I have to spend equal time with them or if one touches something I panic until the other touches it.

This goes way back 20 years in the past where my unhygienic dad used to cause me to feel he was bringing contaminations on my siblings-I was forced to try protecting them so they wouldn't be unclean in my eyes.

Over the last 5+ years I got so stressed by it that I completely cut myself off from my siblings in the house, I wouldn't spend time or even pass through the room with them or go outside the house with them ever not because I hated them, but I felt like I couldn't equalize things to protect them or my own standards.

We spent some time together this past Christmas then in the summer I started doing things with them like playing cards or watching movies. Recently we started going outside the house together.

My mom doesn't recognize the huge steps I've taken even though she knows how significant they've been since she used to help me find therapists or separate me from my siblings in the house. She'll just say I need to do more.

Last night I found out my mom got invited to go to Europe for three weeks to see friends there in December. That's fine until she said she wants to take only one of my siblings!!

Not only is that going to be super unequal for my OCD but that means it'll bring contaminations to someplace sentimental to my family. I've begged her not to do this because it will erase the work I've put in this year but she is going to either do it or resent me. She's the only family I have.

There's places special to me in the world, when people I feel unclean go there it ruins the special feelings or memories there I had. If both siblings were going I might have been ok with it.

There's no OCD tools I have for this issue yet even though I've been working on it with my therapists.

Just when I was getting better I've got this countdown clock that is going to ruin every bit of progress I've worked on. I'm just so devastated.

Thanks for listening...