Almost had a panic attack today

I hyperventilated a lot today after something unexpected happened. There’s a lot of context but I’ll try to keep it short. What happened on its own isn't bad, but because it was with people who stress me out it did make it bad for me. And also what the situation represented to me and how I felt about past experiences definitely influenced my feelings now for this current situation.

To give some context for my feelings, I’d like to explain where they came from. I live with my family and I have a health issue going on. I live with my grandma, mom, and mom’s fiancé. It won’t kill me or anything, but it is something that affects my physical appearance and a lot and I feel very insecure about it. The treatment to get it fixed cost $16,000. Thats a lot you may be thinking right now and yes it is. However, mom’s fiancé has way more than enough. He has a million dollars. Last year he got a car that was worth $40,000. My grandma told me multiple times that he shouldnt feel responsible for me at all because he isnt my father. All of them have also threatened to kick me out of the house before and use everything they do against me. All of them also put a lot of blame onto me with the health issue I got going on and so that makes it worse ofc. My health issue that I have makes it nervous for me to talk to people in real life, and I constantly feel anxiety over it every day. They’ve also made a lot of smart remarks whenever I would disagree with them and so there was lack of interpretation from me and room to breathe and I just had to obey a lot.

With that in mind, I’d like to explain what happened. Basically today my grandma told me to carry the laundry upstairs. It was a trigger for me because she said “if he sees me carrying it upstairs he’ll get angry and say “why doesnt he do it”” It’s proof that he cares about her health issues and wants her to feel ok but shows lack of care when it comes to me and my issues.

She also told me “thank you” which was also a trigger. How is thank you a trigger you may ask? Well, basically one time my mom’s fiancé ranted to me about everything I do “wrong” and mentioned how he gives me housing and all of that and used it as a weapon against me. He made me feel like I was ungrateful just for not worrying about my house and other stuff potentially getting taken away. In his mind it seems like since I don’t constantly think about the weight of having a house and all of that, that I’m ungrateful however I’m not ungrateful. I don’t take things for granted. Housing and living essentials are things that you shouldn’t be worried about getting taken away. Maybe those things were scarce back in his time, but we should strive for a future where it doesn’t have to be scarce. He must have felt bad back then right??? With a lot less resources back then it must have been rough, and the conveniences of today provide people with much more support than back then. Mental health support is a lot more accessible, and so are a lot of essentials that people need. I am not ungrateful because I don’t want to settle for the bare minimum. I want to keep striving for the things I need and want in life so that I can live an easier life. I want to strive for a future where people can feel at ease and don’t have to constantly worry about things getting taken away. You can always choose to settle where you are, and that can definitely be healthy but it can also be healthy if you feel like you need more. If your heart feels like it needs more, then you should definitely strive for it. Don’t let anyone else tell you that feeling you have is fake or wrong. It isn’t wrong, because it does exist. The fact it exists means it is valid. I’m sorry for getting off topic, I just wanted to use this space to help reassure my feelings. Anyway though, my grandma kept telling me to say thank you over and over again for the stuff he does for me but deep down I didn’t want to say it. I just didn’t want to interact with him at all. She kept getting angrier and angrier. She also told me one time that I didn’t say thank you for whenever she got stuff from the store and whenever my mom put me on Medicaid. She got really angry and said she wouldn’t be paying for my phone bill anymore. She continued to pay it, but the fact she got angry and said it in the first place made me feel bad. To me it seems like the word “thank you” is a necessary word you must say in order to deserve things and if you don’t say it then you don’t deserve anything. Also whenever she says “thank you” she wants me to say “you’re welcome” but I don’t always have the energy to talk back. Sometimes I just don’t want to say anything back and just want to be silent. However it seems like to her, me having that feeling is wrong and just wants me to conform to her standards of how a person should act. That’s not something that sits right with me. I value authenticity. And so it triggers me whenever I feel like I have any autonomy taken away. It triggers me whenever I have to do stuff for the people who hold me hostage, for the people who don’t want to support me in my endeavors, for the people who tell me how to feel and act instead of acknowledging and accepting the feelings I do have.

Also, apparently before I was doing the laundry wrong and so my mom didn’t want me doing it anymore. However later she did want me to do it again but my grandma told her no because she knew I wasn’t doing it wrong. And so with the moment now it feels like my autonomy is getting revoked. It feels like I have to do things at other peoples time. I have to go at other peoples pace. My flow t