mattgamer07 Member Profile

Still feeling anxiety

Anxiety Support / by mattgamer07

July 14th

I feel like my mind is going to explode

Anxiety Support / by mattgamer07

July 14th

...See more I just always have so many thoughts and I always think so much and it truly stresses me out. I feel like I’m never truly safe and so I end up feeling lonely. I just have some bad stuff going on in life yet it feels like sometimes no one takes it seriously. It can truly be hard to live in an environment like that especially when it feels like they can be nicer. I have to carry everyone’s emotions whenever they get mad at me but if I get mad I get punished. I also get punished for not acting impulsive as well so it can feel like there’s no way out. I sometimes feel like I’m not allowed to feel anything or else I’ll get punished. I’m constantly met with the idea that my life is controlled by my family and so it can feel like I’m not allowed to truly be myself. I also feel like when going to things like physical therapy or meeting up with another relative that my family tries to control that aspect of my life too. I look for outside connections to feel more safe in but whenever I did my family just got jealous that I talked to them more and so it felt like I wasn’t even allowed to have outside connections. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to dislike people who I feel disrespect me and treat me poorly. I felt like I was forced to view them as safety yet I didn’t. I know that them getting jealous probably wasn't about control and more so about them feeling bad, but my point is that in those behaviors it can feel like they are trying to take away my autonomy. I just go through a lot of other things as well like health issues and they don’t really want to provide support when it comes to that and so in turn I feel uncomfortable talking to them yet I feel like I can’t even dislike them for that. It’s just that I’m the one who has to go through the consequences of the health issues I have and so when they don’t want to provide support it can feel disheartening yet when presented with the idea that I can’t dislike them for that it just feels like I’m not even allowed to feel bad about the things I go through. They want to present the idea that life is hard and unforgiving but I feel that’s only if they make it hard. Life is hard yes, but it doesn’t have to be as hard as they make it. You can always strive to make life better but I feel like they want to keep it hard so that they can teach me a lesson about being able to handle what life really is. Yet like I said before life is only as hard as it is because they are the ones who make it hard. Being able to innovate and strive to make life easier is my own way of handling life. Both options require solving problems and having to tackle on things, but in my opinion theres nothing wrong with wanting to make life easier. I think they think that if it’s “easier” that I’ll be lazy but throughout the time I’ve been there I’ve never shown laziness. I don’t think it’s healthy to try to have someone take on everything on their own. Sure, one day I’ll need to take care of myself but they should provide all the support they can so that I can become that person. If they gave me the resources I needed to become who I want to be, I don’t feel like I’d suddenly become lazy. I’d still have problems I’d need to take care of myself but I know that I’d use all the resources that are at my disposal to help me. Like right now. This is a resource I have to help me and there’s nothing wrong with needing help. Despite writing this and putting my thoughts in a more organized place, it still does hurt that the people around me can’t realize this. I feel like throughout the time I’ve been there, I’ve been learning more and more and making new realizations about life but with them it feels like they stay relatively the same and so it can feel like I’m the only one whos growing and it can feel lonely sometimes. I just sometimes honestly feel like I can’t even get help or else they’ll be jealous. I go to a therapist and they’re fine with that, but with other people it can feel like I’m not allowed to feel safe with them. I think I just want to be able to feel autonomy. I’ve been taking actions to better my life but with relatively no support from the people around me it can truly feel like I’m alone in my problems. I always have options in life no matter what, but I think what I want more than anything right now is just support from people that I can reach those goals and just people I can feel safe with

Looking for new friends

Positivity & Gratitude / by mattgamer07

July 10th

I wish everyone well

General Support / by mattgamer07

June 14th

Almost had a panic attack today

Anxiety Support / by mattgamer07

April 9th

...See more I hyperventilated a lot today after something unexpected happened. There’s a lot of context but I’ll try to keep it short. What happened on its own isn't bad, but because it was with people who stress me out it did make it bad for me. And also what the situation represented to me and how I felt about past experiences definitely influenced my feelings now for this current situation. To give some context for my feelings, I’d like to explain where they came from. I live with my family and I have a health issue going on. I live with my grandma, mom, and mom’s fiancé. It won’t kill me or anything, but it is something that affects my physical appearance and a lot and I feel very insecure about it. The treatment to get it fixed cost $16,000. Thats a lot you may be thinking right now and yes it is. However, mom’s fiancé has way more than enough. He has a million dollars. Last year he got a car that was worth $40,000. My grandma told me multiple times that he shouldnt feel responsible for me at all because he isnt my father. All of them have also threatened to kick me out of the house before and use everything they do against me. All of them also put a lot of blame onto me with the health issue I got going on and so that makes it worse ofc. My health issue that I have makes it nervous for me to talk to people in real life, and I constantly feel anxiety over it every day. They’ve also made a lot of smart remarks whenever I would disagree with them and so there was lack of interpretation from me and room to breathe and I just had to obey a lot. With that in mind, I’d like to explain what happened. Basically today my grandma told me to carry the laundry upstairs. It was a trigger for me because she said “if he sees me carrying it upstairs he’ll get angry and say “why doesnt he do it”” It’s proof that he cares about her health issues and wants her to feel ok but shows lack of care when it comes to me and my issues. She also told me “thank you” which was also a trigger. How is thank you a trigger you may ask? Well, basically one time my mom’s fiancé ranted to me about everything I do “wrong” and mentioned how he gives me housing and all of that and used it as a weapon against me. He made me feel like I was ungrateful just for not worrying about my house and other stuff potentially getting taken away. In his mind it seems like since I don’t constantly think about the weight of having a house and all of that, that I’m ungrateful however I’m not ungrateful. I don’t take things for granted. Housing and living essentials are things that you shouldn’t be worried about getting taken away. Maybe those things were scarce back in his time, but we should strive for a future where it doesn’t have to be scarce. He must have felt bad back then right??? With a lot less resources back then it must have been rough, and the conveniences of today provide people with much more support than back then. Mental health support is a lot more accessible, and so are a lot of essentials that people need. I am not ungrateful because I don’t want to settle for the bare minimum. I want to keep striving for the things I need and want in life so that I can live an easier life. I want to strive for a future where people can feel at ease and don’t have to constantly worry about things getting taken away. You can always choose to settle where you are, and that can definitely be healthy but it can also be healthy if you feel like you need more. If your heart feels like it needs more, then you should definitely strive for it. Don’t let anyone else tell you that feeling you have is fake or wrong. It isn’t wrong, because it does exist. The fact it exists means it is valid. I’m sorry for getting off topic, I just wanted to use this space to help reassure my feelings. Anyway though, my grandma kept telling me to say thank you over and over again for the stuff he does for me but deep down I didn’t want to say it. I just didn’t want to interact with him at all. She kept getting angrier and angrier. She also told me one time that I didn’t say thank you for whenever she got stuff from the store and whenever my mom put me on Medicaid. She got really angry and said she wouldn’t be paying for my phone bill anymore. She continued to pay it, but the fact she got angry and said it in the first place made me feel bad. To me it seems like the word “thank you” is a necessary word you must say in order to deserve things and if you don’t say it then you don’t deserve anything. Also whenever she says “thank you” she wants me to say “you’re welcome” but I don’t always have the energy to talk back. Sometimes I just don’t want to say anything back and just want to be silent. However it seems like to her, me having that feeling is wrong and just wants me to conform to her standards of how a person should act. That’s not something that sits right with me. I value authenticity. And so it triggers me whenever I feel like I have any autonomy taken away. It triggers me whenever I have to do stuff for the people who hold me hostage, for the people who don’t want to support me in my endeavors, for the people who tell me how to feel and act instead of acknowledging and accepting the feelings I do have. Also, apparently before I was doing the laundry wrong and so my mom didn’t want me doing it anymore. However later she did want me to do it again but my grandma told her no because she knew I wasn’t doing it wrong. And so with the moment now it feels like my autonomy is getting revoked. It feels like I have to do things at other peoples time. I have to go at other peoples pace. My flow t

My stress has been overwhelming lately

Anxiety Support / by mattgamer07

February 26th

Reminder to let yourself have freedom

Anxiety Support / by mattgamer07

January 31st

...See more Do you ever feel like the world around you tries to control you? That’s how I feel. I feel the people around me try to control me into what they want me to be, and that my own opinions are wrong to have. I feel that every day. Sometimes you feel stuck. Sometimes it’s just frustrating thinking about it. Well, I want I reassure you your feelings are valid. You have a reason for the way you feel. You don’t need to change for anyone. If you feel like what you do is right then that’s all that matters. Your feelings don’t deserve to get pushed down just so that someone else could have their way. You may not be able to change that persons point of view, as much as you wish you could. However, that’s okay. It’s okay because you still have the freedom to react. You have the freedom to choose what you want to do next. For me, I’ve been going to therapy and I’ve been seeing my behavior analyst again. They help comfort me from these tough times. I just started therapy so I want to see how it is first, however I am open to an experience that I can truly be free in. A space where I have choice. A space where I’m free. I’m also thinking of just having my phone on do not disturb so that I don’t have to see anyone’s text or see a call from anyone. That way it doesn’t ruin my flow. Let yourself have some freedom too. Whether that be having your phone on do not disturb, or other things like talking to a friend or getting your favorite snack. Right now, I don’t have the freedom I want. However, I still keep going forward always wanting to be the person I want to be in hopes that one day I’ll get the freedom I truly deserve. Even though I don’t have the freedom I want right now, I still look for ways to have small spaces of freedom that help keep me sane. I do believe I’ll get that freedom one day. I got a job I didn’t like and I thought I’d finally have freedom since I was making my own money. However I still felt chained because of things at home and plus the job felt daunting and something I didn’t like. I have quit that job, however I still want to go to college someday and work towards something that I’m truly passionate about. That way I can get a job that I find fun and one day be able to safely pay for a house and all the things I want

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