Anxiety and guilt from my son’s attempt s*icide

I don’t know where to start but this happened around 2022, my son attempted s*icide. He was 20 years old that time, before the incident happened, we sent in overseas to study, he specifically requested this from me and his father, which we allowed him since he wanted to study and stay there for awhile, since he also doing research.

his father and I did not have a good relationship since we are continuously fighting, the relationship was toxic, he never prioritized us (me and his son) and would always reason out his work and he barely has time for himself. I would say I was the most toxic one since i have a lot of unresolved issues/trauma from my childhood and those issues were resurfacing whenever I get triggered with some situation. The way I cope up with it was very toxic as I tend to push my husband away when I get triggered. The relationship that we have wasn’t healthy which lead my son feeling abandoned and pushing him to commit s*icide. He was sent to the hospital and requested to the doctors to not allow us to see him nor give us any update about his condition, he suffered from temporary loss of memory but he was able to recover it. He was also in a comatose for a couple of days which made things worst.

When he was ready to speak to us, he wanted us out of his life, he said that our family broke him and he was suffering as well depression, he was went to a facility as well for therapy as his depression and anxiety was really worst that he couldn’t stand to see us.

This broke us so much, me and his father decided to break up and move on with our lives as the relationship was toxic already.

2024, May

My son has recovered and is reaching out already with me. He said he forgave me and he wanted to forget everything.

I admit that a part of me still couldn’t move on and up to this day I still blame myself for what happened to him.

2025, Feb

I started dating a new man, he does not only love me but loves my son dearly. He provides for both of us and my son always reach out to him, I can see how my son is happy and would always call and text him randomly (it feels like he reverted back to his younger self) I guess because its the first time that he had a father figure which my ex was absent ever since. But I also somehow worry, because recently my son doesn’t talk much and I feel like his ignoring me at some point, recently my issues were resurfacing again, unconsciously my issues are affecting the people around me but I’m also glad because my husband right now is helping me heal from everything. I know that my traumas is not an excuse, but I have too much unresolved trauma that I’m not even aware of anymore. I already seek therapist, but it just keeps coming out, I’m discovering new issues within myself that I have to fix.

I’m very anxious right now, I already came from a broken family, my mother was never a good mother (she abandon us for a man, she left us with our abusive father) this made me so insecure with my son as I’m afraid to become like my mother.