Anxiety during my U.S. trip - just need to get it out

If people respond, I will appreciate it. But I mainly want to write down in words what I’m feeling to get it out of my system. Everything feels very bottled up.

I’m a permanent resident of Japan, and I’m making a trip to the US right now. I’m here to see my sister, and some friends in Boston. And then next week I’ll go on to St. Louis and see some more friends and then after another week, I’ll return to Japan.

I have a long-term same-sex partner in Japan, who I recently married. And we have a large dog.

I’m 67 but still working, and part of my anxiety are possible server problems with client machines. I’m trying to get away for a couple of weeks, but server alerts pop up and then I get all anxious about it because sometimes they can be serious even though they’re mostly easily fixable these days.

Another problem is just general discomfort in being here. I find Boston to be very stressful, and crowded, and disorganized. My friends are all very nice and I’m staying with a long-term family friend in their house. But I don’t really like Boston, which I guess sounds strange since I live in Tokyo, which is obviously much larger and even more crowded. But I’m used to it. St. Louis will probably be a little less stressful.

I added my sister as an additional driver on my rental car, because I hate driving in Boston. She parked the car in the indoor garage of her apartment building, and the first night somebody sideswiped it and it got dented. So that was anxiety to start off the trip. I do have collision coverage and I called and confirmed that it should be OK, but it was a stressful way to start the trip.

The weather has been awful since I’ve been here. Cold, rainy, and even snowy while at the same time I missed the full bloom of cherry blossoms in Tokyo for the first time in decades. That was because the cherry blossoms bloomed 15 days later than usual and I’m seeing all these nice photos from Tokyo and it feels a little weird not seeing it in person for the first time in a long time.

Last year when I visited for the first time in four years after the pandemic, the weather was pretty good here and my sister and I took long walks to Boston Common, we saw the Boston Marathon, and we’re pretty active. Our cousins visited from New Jersey and it was quite nice.

This time I’m basically feeling like why am I visiting again so soon? It’s not like last year. While people are still nice, it doesn’t look like I’m going to see my cousins. And I’ve found it difficult finding things to do with my sister. Especially in this weather. She’s also a bit strange. I think she’s on the spectrum. So in many ways, she’s difficult to get along with and that adds to my anxiety. It adds stress. I guess stress is the main thing that would define what I’m feeling on this trip.

Even though the weather was awful yesterday, we did manage to take a drive to Windmill Point just to get away and look at some scenery. That was pretty good.

I sort of wish I could just escape from the trip and get back to Tokyo and relax, but next Thursday I will have to continue on to St. Louis and deal with some things there, and also see some friends. And I somehow have to get through the rest of my time here in Boston.

I guess I’m having trouble specifically pinpointing what I’m anxious about. I woke up at 3 o’clock in the morning, and I decided to play my usual Wordle and connections games. I got stuck on Wordle for some reason and I got very anxious, yes I know it’s dumb, that I was going to break my streak. I was feeling super anxiety, and getting sweaty even though It’s cold here, and I was considering cheating just to finish the game, but I realized that that would not make me feel good. I managed to solve Wordle and then all of a sudden I calmed down and quickly solved Connections. At that point, I realized my anxiety is something that I’m creating myself.

Dealing with my sister is a struggle, though. Though she probably would not admit it, I’m convinced she’s on the spectrum. She’s very difficult to talk to. And she herself does not have any real friends, so I worry about her. She doesn’t understand how to respond normally in conversation, or to what friends say, or in general to things in daily life. She hates her apartment manager, she has grievances for decades about all our family friends, it’s just a mess. So I did want to come out and visit just to see her. Anyway, I’ll get through the week somehow.

The friend I’m visiting in St. Louis has her own problems, she has CFS, and I’ll be staying at her house. I’m not sure what I’m going to do all week there either.

Im just having trouble doing this trip. I just feel anxious all day.

I’m not really expressing myself well, but I’m glad to at least get it out of my system and post it somewhere.

Thanks.