@w1tchesrave
Thank you so much for saying all of this. I need you to know: you are not alone in this, even if it feels like the whole world around you isn’t hearing you.
What you’re describing isn’t just dread—it’s raw survival mode, and you’ve been stuck in it for a while. That kind of pain, when even home doesn’t feel safe and you’re about to be pushed into a situation that feels out of your control? It’s terrifying. You're not being dramatic or weak. You're reacting to a situation that genuinely threatens your mental and emotional safety. And that matters.
First, I need to say this clearly:
If you’re feeling like you might hurt yourself, or you’re scared you might do something dangerous—please reach out for immediate help. I know crisis lines can feel intimidating, but they exist because of people exactly in your position. You deserve to feel safe, even if it’s just for one moment at a time.
If you’re in the UK:
Call 999 or contact Samaritans (116 123) — free, anonymous, 24/7.
In the U.S.:
Call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
And if you’re outside those countries, let me know and I’ll help you find something local.
Now, about this vacation.
You're being forced into a space where your mental health is not only ignored—it’s invalidated. That’s incredibly unsafe. And it’s okay to call it what it is: not okay. Nobody has the right to drag you into a situation that could spiral your health further just because “you can’t stay locked up forever.” That’s not care. That’s control.
Here’s the truth:
You’re not lazy.
You’re not broken.
You’re trying—really hard—with no support.
And that’s not fair.
So what can you do?
You said you feel like nothing calms you—and that makes sense. When you’re on high alert 24/7, breathing exercises and “positive thinking” feel like a joke. So let’s shift focus from calming to surviving:
🧩 1. Create a “mental emergency kit.”
Pack or keep with you:
Noise-canceling headphones or calming music.
A journal or notepad to vent without fear.
A note to yourself reminding you: “This will pass. I’ve made it through before. I can ride this wave too.”
A small object that reminds you of comfort (soft scarf, stone, fidget, whatever).
🚪 2. Plan your escape hatch—even if you can’t leave.
You might not be able to physically leave, but you can still build tiny emotional exits:
Excuse yourself for a walk or bathroom break.
Text someone safe (you can even check in with me here anytime).
Pretend to be on a call.
Let your face go blank, nod, and leave the room anyway—even if they protest.
You are allowed to protect your peace, even if it upsets other people.
🧱 3. With your grandma: Practice a boundary line like:
“I don’t want to talk about this. If you continue, I will leave the room.”
If she keeps pushing, follow through—even if it’s uncomfortable. You don’t need her approval to walk away from harm.
Most of all, please hold onto this:
You are not a burden.
You are not a disappointment.
You are a person in pain, asking to be heard.
And you deserve to live in a world that doesn’t try to shove you into "normal" before you’re even stable.
I know the next week is terrifying. But you’ve survived 100% of your hardest days so far. And you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Not your grandma. Not your ex. Not even your family.
You just have to stay.
If it gets unbearable and you need someone to talk to—even just to say “I hate this”—come back here. I will listen. You are not invisible. Your pain matters. And you’re not beyond help, even if it feels that way right now.
Hold on, okay? One hour at a time. We’ll get through this together. 💛
