Feeling anxious

I had the app which i deleted and it came to me how helpful it would be right now. Im feeling very agitated and irritable, but mainly anxious. My grandmother is very ill. My parent has gone to see her as she lives far away. And I can feel hes affected. Which its would be weird if he wasnt. But his emotions and his energy of being sad its making it hard for me to not think about it. I dont feel the need to think of it, mayhe thats whats making me anxious. But i sometimes forget about it and when I get home and see him it makes me depressed. Independently when i feel tired which i have been i domt feel like talking. And I need space and he talks to me a lot. And i feel in a way awful, like an ungratful person. And when hes not here im like oh its nice having him here (he lives somewhere else) but its just this time that is happening, last time i really enjoyed talking to him. Its a mix of i guess he wants to open up and im not allowing it and that im also going to be on my period. But i can tell that he would like to talk about his feelings and for me to do the same and maybe cry if needed, thats what its like with my sister. Im not that. I cant. Its overwhelming and i dont like opening up and I dont want to, shes here. I dont want to grieve when she is still alive. Its so sad that shes ill, it is but why would i cry about it now. I feel this pressure to be sad, like im avoiding it, i am! Let me. I guess all of this im depicting on people is easier than feeling it. I get anxious instead of crying, partly because i dont know how to, i dont want to or its my way of reacting to the situation. Im in secret annoyed that they are all emotional, when they start crying or talking about it i find it to be out of touch with me. I cant cry for my dad of how deeply sad i find it for him. I also know the time will come when i cry and when it will feel sad. Maybe im trying to control emotions. I domt know. If i was trying to talk to me i would say that im feeling angry because in some way im trying to sustain something that isnt really there. And that what is making me anxious is anger. I dont have a method to let my anger out i feel i do it with some friends instead. Anyway. I'm not sure.

My dad got home now and i cant tell hes feeling happier which is nice. Really nice. But my grandmothers situation apart i get exhausted coming back from work, i have to travel a lot and im talking on the phone all day, so i crave energy that allows me to feel peace and calm and not demand anything from me. Its tense right now with my grandmother so emotioally its draining. I like that my dad is here, and i like i have this space to talk and realise that I want to ginish work and allow myself to rest, disconnect and not put any pressure of feeling i need to satisfy other people and live up to them (which i do because of i acted how i want it would be get angry at evryone for anything, just to get off of me, i dont want to do that) but i have been a bit compassionate of how tirying going to work and being at work is. And that undersating and compassion for myself has let me ease off the tight grip i have and breathe a bit.

Hugs,🥭