Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
indigoPapaya2280
3 489 M Embraced 4
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts103 Forum posts25 Forum upvotes71 Current upvotes71 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2026 Member sinceSeptember 8, 2025
Bio
Recent forum posts
indigoPapaya2280 profile picture
Starting the day
Anxiety Support / by indigoPapaya2280
Last post
 1 day ago
...See more I really find it so hard to get up. Its not that I cant it's that i won't. I wake up for example today and I think that I need to eat and I really hate eating in the morning, but otherwise I will have ni energy and get headaches and feel nauseous. Then I think just about the fact that I have to go to work, which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so far away. I spend 1 hour on the way there and another on the way back, if there are no changes to buses. Then I also think about how much of a problem it is that I dont want to get up and I cant and won't. And that worry and stresses me. It's especially the eating I can't deal with, I procastinate it so much. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I cpuld get up because I have slept enough, but i go back to sleep. Then when I eventually wake up I stress because now I have less time in the morning to lay around and do nothing, which is what I will do. Plus I don't really feel like im doing anything other than dragging myself to work and I would like to feel im improving in some other aspect of life. It just feels like my body is against me, like it have to fight it
indigoPapaya2280 profile picture
My nan ♥️
Grief & Loss / by indigoPapaya2280
Last post
 1 day ago
...See more My grandmother is 90 and she has cancer. She has had such a good life and she is at peace. I do still wish we had a few more years, but i guess i would yearn those years as much as if it wasn't the situation is was. She has little time left. She lives in another country because that is where my family are from. Every since we were born we came every year spent christmas here and some summers we came. I have the bestest of memories. I lost my grandad 7 o so years back also to cancer. I know they are old. The cancer is still annoying because maybe he woukd be here a bit longer. Maybe my grandma could stay a bit longer. I know I want just a bit longer because its coming to and end. Anyway my grandparents really kept christmas alive and we all used to go their flat. When my granddad passed away we still did that. But now that my grandmother will pass away her flat will be sold, all the christmas traditions we had were because of her and she wanted to carry on doing it. Its true we're getting older so maybe dancing and singing around the christmas tree and buying presents and putting the under the christmas tree and decorating a tree and a christmas game we played... were more when we were younger. Today we said goodbye to her at the hospice because we're flying back tomorrow. We have been visiting her there these days, it was hard to see her the way she was but I still kept my spirits alive, i was just happy to be with her, throughout I've been not really processing not on purpose a bit scared to. I have cried but not much. Anyway I kept looking at her today and other days with so much love. And she smiled when i went to give her a hug and it felt so innocent and sweet. And when I was saying buy her she said have a nice few days. ( we cant communicate too much because of language barriers) i thought she was going to say have a nice life that's how I took it, she softened it by what she said idk if on purpose or language barrier. That made me fill with cry. I think maybe im used to her saying have a nice day have a nice trip i guess that felt really deep, but its was the perfect thing she could say. She started to cry as well. Were so used to saying goodbye because we live far away but this time it was for good. I still think im going to see her soon somehow, i think i survive on these kind of thoughts in general in life. I realistically won't I know I won't but at heart shes not really going. I guess i mean in memory she will be here. Its just really sad. Its as positive as this situation can get, so a lot of my tears or thoughts have been thinking about all those years we have spent together, all the good memories and how lucky we have been and are happy-sad tears. My first tears with her felt so dense like heavy, my second tears from today felt im.not sure, i like to analyse all small details, i would also like to know what she was thinking when she also cried because uo to that point even with other crying she hadn't. I guess just having to say bye to us. We will still talk a bit more over videocalls. It's so weird, this situation has me Deeping life in general. Also how much life i still have and how I want to live it. I still need to process this all. The flat feels like it's replaying all the memories. It doesn't feel empty to me even if shes not here, maybe because she is still alive. But I also have to say bye to the flat. It feels like im reliving memories or imagining moments of when we were younger. And imagining theyre all here now. Its has been the best. I feel scared that we will separate or that we won't meet up much from now on. It does feel like we're saying bye a bit to our childhood. I feel like i have this dark cloud above me that only i could see but she could too, i always thiught that, from thibgs they transalated to me or how it felt. I was crying more like sobbing i couldnt stop a few years back on my own in the balcony and she cane to me and i always felt a connection since then. And i think when she said that today i thought how can i wothought, as simole as that or i thought i will try, or maybe i deserve to have a nice life idk i cant pinpoint it. I have been thinking thes days ive been here how hard it am on myself and re-read the past with less anger and in general feel less shame of who i am. And maybe she felt my tears were more than about her going. Im getting a bit of a headache. And I have a flight tomorrow. If u got up to here wow hahah that would be nice. Im glad for this space to unwind. Is this was grief does? Does it also make u think about ur life and other aspects? I feel I am lost in thoughts and nostalgia. Is it a sad happy feeling for others? Im not happy that she's going of course. Im happy that shes in peace that i get to think about all those happy moments. I love her and i loved my grandfather. ♥️
indigoPapaya2280 profile picture
Lost in memories
Anxiety Support / by indigoPapaya2280
Last post
 Tuesday
...See more Hello. This week i am in Denmark. Since I got here i have thought about the past. It really felt like a movie. In thr movies when they play the past of a character and they kind of see the memories foggy. Exactly like that. When I was at child. And yesterday night about the past I hadn't thought in a while, from another perspective but hurtful still. They these smaller memories like situations keep appearing at random unedpected points and they really feel like a good punch that knock me off a bit. And today, when I havent slept much. We came in a shop, and expensive one. And my parents gave me a bag I asked for from my birthday fron this job years ago. I loved it then for some reason grew to unappreciated it. It annoyed me how I couldn't fort things in very well. Later on I met a girl and she was like I love this bag. And I was like have it. Now typing it out I did remember saying she could have it. When the memory first came I the she asked for it. Maybe she did. Idk. But she has it. And it was really bothering me, i felt so angry and impotent about that bag, because it's expensive. But I did give it to her she didnt ask for it which is what I thought initially, which was making me angry. But I wish I hadn't. Im no longer in contact with her.
indigoPapaya2280 profile picture
Difficulties in healthy lifestyle
Healthy Living / by indigoPapaya2280
Last post
 October 19th
...See more I would say , my mental health is okay but I procastinate a lot whenever I'm home. I'm basically lying down all the time. I find it hard to cook to clean to organise my house. But I don't really do anything. I just go and ***, go on social media. I tried to watch a film or a series but I don't enjoy which I did used to enjoy. I'll play game sometimes which does make me happy. I have stopped doing exercise.Because going to the gym was too much.It was stressing me.I'm so glad I did plan.I'm going back , but maybe after I get my licence , which i'm planning on signing up to next week. I vape , which I think is really pushing my mood down. But I cannot for the life of me get up early half breakfast.I never have breakfast.Make a food , I spend more than I would like to I want to quit vaping , and I would like to be someone that feels productive during the day , not just lying down all the timeBut I cannot for the life of me get up early half breakfast. I never have breakfast. Make a food, I spend more than I would like to. I want to quit vaping, and I would like to be someone that feels productive during the day, not just lying down all the time. 😔
indigoPapaya2280 profile picture
Feeling anxious
Anxiety Support / by indigoPapaya2280
Last post
 September 11th
...See more I had the app which i deleted and it came to me how helpful it would be right now. Im feeling very agitated and irritable, but mainly anxious. My grandmother is very ill. My parent has gone to see her as she lives far away. And I can feel hes affected. Which its would be weird if he wasnt. But his emotions and his energy of being sad its making it hard for me to not think about it. I dont feel the need to think of it, mayhe thats whats making me anxious. But i sometimes forget about it and when I get home and see him it makes me depressed. Independently when i feel tired which i have been i domt feel like talking. And I need space and he talks to me a lot. And i feel in a way awful, like an ungratful person. And when hes not here im like oh its nice having him here (he lives somewhere else) but its just this time that is happening, last time i really enjoyed talking to him. Its a mix of i guess he wants to open up and im not allowing it and that im also going to be on my period. But i can tell that he would like to talk about his feelings and for me to do the same and maybe cry if needed, thats what its like with my sister. Im not that. I cant. Its overwhelming and i dont like opening up and I dont want to, shes here. I dont want to grieve when she is still alive. Its so sad that shes ill, it is but why would i cry about it now. I feel this pressure to be sad, like im avoiding it, i am! Let me. I guess all of this im depicting on people is easier than feeling it. I get anxious instead of crying, partly because i dont know how to, i dont want to or its my way of reacting to the situation. Im in secret annoyed that they are all emotional, when they start crying or talking about it i find it to be out of touch with me. I cant cry for my dad of how deeply sad i find it for him. I also know the time will come when i cry and when it will feel sad. Maybe im trying to control emotions. I domt know. If i was trying to talk to me i would say that im feeling angry because in some way im trying to sustain something that isnt really there. And that what is making me anxious is anger. I dont have a method to let my anger out i feel i do it with some friends instead. Anyway. I'm not sure. [http://sure.my] My dad got home now and i cant tell hes feeling happier which is nice. Really nice. But my grandmothers situation apart i get exhausted coming back from work, i have to travel a lot and im talking on the phone all day, so i crave energy that allows me to feel peace and calm and not demand anything from me. Its tense right now with my grandmother so emotioally its draining. I like that my dad is here, and i like i have this space to talk and realise that I want to ginish work and allow myself to rest, disconnect and not put any pressure of feeling i need to satisfy other people and live up to them (which i do because of i acted how i want it would be get angry at evryone for anything, just to get off of me, i dont want to do that) but i have been a bit compassionate of how tirying going to work and being at work is. And that undersating and compassion for myself has let me ease off the tight grip i have and breathe a bit. Hugs,🥭
Search more from @indigoPapaya2280
Talk to an expert therapist
Hi, my name is Melissa and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor.  I hope...
Talk to Melissa Now
Badges & Awards
13 total badges
First Post Hand Shake Reaching out Helping out Appreciated Voice Contributor Community First Compassion Helpful heart Kindness personified Bundled Group Friend Forum Friend
Report an issue