Going through a rough patch.
Hey everyone, I hope you're doing well. I'm not really used to reaching out for support or sharing my pain with other people, because I learnt earlier in my childhood that expressing pain, needs and feelings is a burden and that I should suck it up or keep it to myself. Here I am today, a grown woman in her twenties, trying to defy those old believes, and trying to grieve the basic things that I should've received and learnt as a child but never did. And I gotta say that it's extremely hard, because today I'm learning how to face uncomfortable feelings that I once used to numb or run away from. It's so hard, painful, messy and not linear at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm making growth, while other times I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom again. Yesterday I had a terrible break up with my partner. It was barely a two month relationship and it ended so quickly because I couldn't tolerate so many things, such as my needs were not being met at all, which made me feel unseen and unheard. There was inconsistency, the most thing I needed in the relationship was emotional presence and reassurance, but I never received them. And I stayed despite feeling emotionally starved and unseen, hoping that things would change to the better, but of course they never did. Because there was an apparent incompatibility from the start. And it's not that I did not know, but it's because I didn't wanna know. I wanted to believe that it could work out, I wanted to prove to myself that I can maintain a relationship even if my body was giving me all signs that this was unsafe and not right. I realized that I've been choosing the wrong person, not because I was oblivious but because my nervous system was attracted to the ones that felt familiar and not necessarily safe. It felt so lonely and painful when I made the realisation, but it also felt right, because for the first time of my life, I listened to what my body told me, I believed it and this time I didn't dismiss it. Right now I'm in the messy middle of healing, because I no longer have my old coping mechanisms, but at the same time I'm still learning how to develop new healthy ones. And if you ask me, the healing journey is the worst journey I've ever gone through in my entire life, because it feels like m peeling layers and layers of the old version of me that has been shaped by low self esteem, lack of boundaries, self hate and bad perception of my body, and m leaving space for the new healthy version that has yet to come. I'm still struggling with all those issues that I mentioned above, m not perfect, but at least I'm more aware of them and the patterns that I keep repeating every single time. So, is healing worth it? Definitely.
@Sirius723
Merhaba,
Çok güçlü bir kavrayış seviyeniz var. Bu nedenle, durumunuzu "anlamaya" odaklanarak size yazmayacağım; çünkü zaten anlıyorsunuz. Metninizde, hem tekrar eden kalıbı hem de bunun bedensel/duygusal izlerini çok net bir şekilde görmüşsünüz.
Buradaki asıl mesele farkındalığınızı daha da artırmak değil; bu farkındalığı ilişki içinde, özellikle de tetiklendiğiniz anda, eyleme dönüştüren bir ritim oluşturmaktır. Çünkü sinir sisteminiz hızlandığında, gözlerinizin önüne bir perde inmiş gibi hissedebilirsiniz; bu durumda, doğru olduğunu bildiğiniz şeyi yapmak zorlaşır ve sonunda ne olduğunu fark ettiğinizde, "çok geç" olduğunu hissedebilirsiniz.
İşte size önereceğim pratik yaklaşım: Bir sonraki ilişkinizde, kural olarak "yavaş başlayın ve yavaş ilerleyin" stratejisini kullanın. İlişkide hangi sesin önderlik ettiğini (duygusal yoksunlukla hareket eden tarafınız mı, yoksa Sağlıklı Yetişkin tarafınız mı) net bir şekilde anlayana kadar "bir üst seviyeye" geçmeyin. Yakınlığı artırma amacınız "daha fazla heyecan" değil, daha fazla tutarlılık, daha fazla onarım ve daha fazla güvenlik olsun. You’re not missing awareness—you’re missing follow-through. You can see the pattern, but when the moment comes, the emotional deprivation part takes over and convinces you to stay a little longer: “Maybe it will change.” So the goal isn’t to notice more; it’s to have a rule you follow when you notice. For example: if the same unmet need shows up twice, you slow down and stop increasing closeness. If it shows up a third time, you step back. This is how insight becomes protection.
Thank you so much for sharing this, it is very helpful and it does make sense. As you said the problem is not the awareness, it's the follow through, the "how", and I've been stuck here for a while now, not knowing how to approach things so that I could protect myself. I would really appreciate if we could talk more about this sometime, ofc if you're okay with it. Thank you for listening.
@Sirius723
Hi, thank you for sharing this. What you described makes a lot of sense—“I notice it, but I still keep going” is often connected to an automatic pattern that takes over in the moment of being triggered. In those moments, it’s not logic that leads; emotions like loneliness, hope, or fear can take the wheel.
That’s why what often helps isn’t more analysis, but a simple rule. For example: if the same need goes unmet twice, you slow down and stop increasing closeness; if it happens a third time, you take a step back. This way, insight becomes a practical protection plan in the moment.
A quick note: I’m here as a volunteer listener on 7 Cups, so I can’t offer therapy or regular/ongoing follow-up. I can offer general support here. If you want ongoing, structured support, you can also explore the therapy options on 7 Cups.
If you’d like, let’s start with one question: when you notice the red flags but still keep going, what makes it hardest to step back—fear of being alone, hope that they’ll change, or self-doubt?
@PsikolojikDanisman
Thank you so much for answering, yes I completely understand that you can just offer general support and I really appreciate it. As for the question you asked, it's usually the fear of being alone and low self esteem. As you can see we have a weird culture in my country that undermines women, and relate their value with how desirable they are to men, it's conditional love. And as much as I know that this is wrong, it did affect my self esteem, it's like I logically understand that it's wrong, but my self esteem doesn't. So I keep sticking around even if the person is wrong for me, because my nervous system learned that I had to give smtg in order to get love and care, it learned through anxiety. So most of my relationships were based on a push pull mecanism, which means I give and I receive immediate relief and then the person gets distant(usually avoidant), my system panics and I start giving more, pushing more and the loop goes on. I do feel danger signals with the person, but I learnt to dismiss them and not take them seriously. It's only when my nervous system starts to fall appart that it decides to scream: danger, but then it becomes too late. And right now even if my relationship was so short, my system took great damage and m just trying to regulate imperfectly. As u said, the action is everything, more insight isn't the problem. M so tired.
@Sirius723
You’re describing a learned “conditional love” pattern: I give in order to receive love → I get short-term relief → the other person pulls away → my nervous system panics → I give even more. This loop is exhausting, and it’s not a character flaw; it’s a survival pattern your nervous system learned.
When you panic and start giving more, if you stop, what are you most afraid will happen?
And if you feel comfortable sharing: do you remember when you first felt this fear (or the earliest time you can recall)?
If I stop giving more than receiving, I'm mostly afraid that the person would leave. Which means I'll be left all alone facing parts of myself that I don't wanna face. It's loneliness in disguise. As for the other question, I don't really recall a time I had this fear when I was a child, but I do remember that I had it very strongly when I started getting into relationships, it's like the fear was asleep and it was activated when I started dating, back then I never understood why I was afraid that much of loosing people, but right now, it does make sense.
@Sirius723
It makes complete sense that you feel this tired. Taking a short break from deep topics for now could be helpful—just to give your nervous system some rest. You don’t have to figure everything out today. If you’d like, taking a few weeks off from these kinds of conversations might also feel good. You can think of this time as making space to recover without digging into the topic. When you start to feel more energized again, coming back to it in smaller pieces and at a slower pace may feel easier.
In the meantime, two small focuses may be enough: supporting your daily rhythm as much as you can (sleep, food, movement), and in triggering moments, simply slowing down a little instead of trying to solve everything right away.
i’m hear to talk if you need or wanna talk about anything
Thank you so much for listening 🙏🙏🙏
i’m hear to talk if you need or wanna talk about anything