Haven't left the house in 2 years idk kno...

Yea so idk anything for sure but I stay in my head a lot and I'm the type of person understanding what's going on and why normally helps me get through things but not so much when your completely oblivious that anything outta the ordinary is wrong with you. For the first year it took me loosing everything all my friends my gf of 6 years and every one I isolated away from and just shut down everyone keep saying what's wrong snap outta it but I felt like nothing was different but really my hygiene started to go and days were the only time I got up at all was to pee I even ate in my bed my gf crying asking why I stop loving her.. I had the nerve to say she was being dramatic.. then the 1 year mark hit and I was like omg.. I haven't been outside in a year like nowhere that's not normal then I really started thinking about things and realizing something is wrong really wrong I started researching online and stuff idk why I felt as if these thoughts In my head and just to neglect of every other person in my life including my self felt so "normal" and by this time my gf had already been slaving for a year if she didn't bring me food I probably wouldnt even eat she did everything for us and she was fed up by the time I finally realized how much I had been neglecting her not to mention the arguments we had from me saying quit trying to start a fight with me I love you what are you talking about??! But my actions showed absolutely nothing I almost brought her with me down with me honestly.. but needless to say she left.. said it was the hardest thing shes ever had to do is lay down beside me at night wondering why I didn't love her anymore... By the time even knew something was wrong it was to late. ... Well here I am still haven't left the house it's so dum cause I know what I should be doing but instead I just do nothin.. I got a . I got a couple ideas of what maybe caused all this i feel like if I can grasp it or something maybe idk but about 2 years ago I ended up in ICU I had a hernia and I vomited from being sick and the hernia busted my esophagus and I was bleeding bad internally and acute liver failure and had no idea and I was so sick I was eating goody powders for my fever and I kept waking up every 4 or 5bmins thinking it had been hours or more and I would eat another goody or ibuprofen by the time I got to er I was signing in and threw up blood and fell out in the waiting room and when I came back and the doctorsbwere running crazy and I was freaking out and I was like am I gonna be ok??!! And the he man I really don't know right and nothing like this has never happen to me be4 and I just lost it and started crying like baby cause he I am 30 years old Iv done nothing with my life but be a drug addict it honestly all Iv ever known I been surrounded with drugs and alcohol my whole life and all these things went thru my head about all these little things I had planned to do and how just these goals that seemed like I had so much time for all the sudden I'm about to die.. and my gf I promised her we would be ok and best this drug addiction somehow (we met as addicts) and I would be able to give her everything she deserves and see her truly happy and show her there was more than this.. and just idk everything was flying threw my mind.. and I felt like I wasted my whole life.. well thankfully I was in ICU a week and I got better physically but that *** scared me so bad that I think I. Been like stuck in this crazy emotional or mental state ever sense plus Iv been using methamphetamines for going on 13 years I'm I guess mentally dependent on it I don't really to much get high anymore if I use u might actually sit up I'm the bed a few hrs if not I sleep all day. So I'm sure that has some pretty bad effects on my emotions and stuff as well.. idk if this is the right place for any of this I just need to get it out and see what someone else thinks