I can’t make any friends or date anybody
Hey guys. I’m here because I texted 988 yesterday. It was a day like any other day where I left the house to socialize at a place that I frequent. There are some people I know there but unless the explicitly invite me to hang out with them they ignore my presence completely. I also know that they gossip about me. This made me feel anxious because it’s not the first time it has happened. You might say to just find other friends but with everyone else it’s just the same. Surface level conversations with no depth and no development.
I have experienced the same and worse with dating. I recently moved to this city in order to meet better people than the city I moved from. I’ve been way more social, and put myself out there much more. I initiate conversations, I flirt, I follow-up. Everyone has ghosted me. It makes no sense to me. I’m an attractive, tall, well-kept young man that has a good paying job, live on my own, and have emotional intelligence. Why doesn’t anyone want to give me the time of day?
I’ve struggled with this my entire life, always feeling like an outsider in every group. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong but it really feels like there’s an invisible sign over my head telling everyone to stay away from me. I’m so lonely and anxious everyday just trying to make friends and be accepted and nobody does. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’ve tried hobby groups, singles events, going to the same place regularly, networking, moving cities, traveling, and initiating in public. Nothing ever converts to anyone wanting to spend another second with me. It crushes my soul everyday no one would care if they ever saw me again.
@navyBlueberry7411 it sounds like you would benefit from getting to know yourself as if you were the person you're courting/becoming friends with. Do you like yourself when you're alone? Why, why not? What can you change in the immediate or near future to become your favourite self, if you're not there yet? Take yourself out for a date and see, how would you treat her? How would you want her (or him or them) to treat you? Both in the short term and the long term. How would you want to feel, and how would you want to make the other person feel? What do you expect out of a first, second, third, etc date? What are your boundaries, your deal-breakers, and how lenient are you with them? Are you a people pleaser- if so, why? Where does that come from? Are you trying to mitigate other people's reactions? Are you giving people a chance to show up for you when you need them, or are you putting up a perfect front so they don't feel threatened, annoyed, whatever negative feeling you might be anticipating?
@Yummyramen at a certain point, when you realize you're exactly who you intend to be, what others think of you doesn't matter the same way. You start to simply work towards your goals and whatever future you have planned for you and your partner, whoever that ends up being. Start preparing for her arrival, she'll get there when the both of you are ready. How will she reach you if you're not at the "finish" line you've set for yourself (doesn't have to actually be a finish line or a reached goal, more like seeing you actively reaching towards it?) I'm sure you have some sort of idea who and what you're looking for in someone, start preparing the environment for the change you're looking for to come. You don't reach the top of the mountain without climbing; putting shoes on and wearing a harness and parachute won't be what brings you up there, it's your moves that will. The equipment helps, sure, but it's not the life force leading you- that's you.
Apparently long term love is a form of friendship. You seem interested in the results rather than the process of making friends.
I have struggled with that as well. You seem intelligent; intelligent children are often a-bit paranoid; they would not do something harmful as they see it’s consequences so when others do that thing they attribute it to malicious intent rather than lack of insight
You describe acting, people don’t like actors they prefer natural.
Planktonic bro hugs good luck.
@navyBlueberry7411
I am so sorry you are going through this. I had a similar experience when I finished school and moved to a different part of the country for my first real job. It's a completely different world. I tried everything to make friends and nothing worked. To make things worse I was in a demanding field and people at work would scowl and say "how do you gave time for that you should be working."
What eventually helped me to make friends was to let go of my idea that friends had to be close to my age and stage of life. For example, I made a good friend with someone at work who was 40 years older than me and wanted a regular lunch buddy.
One of the things I realized is that the usual advice (join a club! A team! Go to church! Volunteer!) doesn't really work. Most people doing those things just want to do the activity. So you want to meet as many people as possible who are also looking to meet other people.
When I decided I wanted a partner I did everything I could think of to meet new people, and I also started therapy to get some life coaching in case I was putting people off and not realizing it.
We're living through an epidemic of loneliness. I know it is hard and can be demoralizing but if you keep trying and keep trying new things you will find your peeps.