I don't know

I don't know what's wrong with me, I hate my appearance, my personality, how I talk, even how I breathe, I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror, I feel disgusted, I usually feel bad when I eat, but sometimes I can't stop, I can't even socialize, when they try to talk to me I run away, and when I talk they walk away from me, and mostly I stutter, I cross words, I say stupid things and I tremble, but it scares me a lot, sometimes I want to be normal. I'm tired of this, I'm tired of being compared by everyone, even by myself, seeing such perfect and cute people with stunning personalities make me envious and it's inevitable not to compare myself. I am tired of going out and being afraid to even take public transportation, I don't want to be afraid anymore, I am so tired of being afraid. I feel so lonely sometimes, at my age of 20 I have never had a romance or anything romantic with someone, and it's my fault I am horrible, but sometimes I feel envious and I want to know what it feels like to be loved, but I also remember that I am very insecure and I will always be in fear of being cheated on or played with. I even downloaded a dating app, and what happened, almost no one writes to me and if they wrote to me and I wrote to them they didn't write back, I'm so bad at everything even socializing on apps. I feel lonely too without friends, I have always been everyone's last choice, the one that they betray, the one that they illusion and leave dumped, and the one that is always left alone. I feel irritated and my emotions are like a roller coaster. Thinking about the future depresses me, I am doing what makes my parents happy, I am studying a career that I do not like and that makes me cry every day, but I do not want to disappoint them, besides I do not even know what I like, in part I am grateful that they have made me study it, because I do not know myself since I do not know what I like and I do not know what makes me happy, that is the point I want to be happy, the only thing that motivates me to move forward are my 2 cats if it were not for them, I would not even want to exist.

I feel so suffocated that I want to be able to breathe.

I know that there are people in worse situations and that what is happening to me is probably stupid, but maybe I am too weak for this world.