I don't know how to get through this

Hello everyone.

I'm not really sure how to explain all of this, but I need to get it out and maybe hear from people who have been through something similar.

Some time ago, I went through a breakup with the woman I have loved more deeply than anyone else in my life. The relationship wasn't perfect, and there were many things that hurt me, but I still love her, and that's what hurts the most.

I don't just miss a person. I miss feeling loved, chosen, important to someone. I miss the hugs, the kisses, cooking together, our childish jokes, feeling like I could show my soul completely and still feel safe and protected. She felt like home to me.

What destroys me the most is that despite loving her so much, in the end she treated me in ways that made me feel like a monster and a terrible person. And even after that, part of me still wishes I could hug her and hear her say that she loves me. I know that probably won't happen, and that breaks my heart.

I'm terrified that she might be with someone else. I'm afraid I was easy to replace. I'm afraid no one will ever love me the way I dream of loving and being loved.

Sometimes I wonder what to do with all the love I still have. I feel like my hands are full of love, dreams, and the desire to care for someone, build a family, cook together, and make someone happy, but the person I wanted to give all of that to no longer wants to stay.

I've also realized that I have a deep fear of abandonment. I often wonder if I'm not enough, or if I'm simply easy to leave.

I don't want to stop loving. I don't want to become cold or bitter. I just want to heal in a healthy way. I want to be happy again, feel peace again, and if someday someone else comes into my life, I want to love without living in constant fear.

I'm a medical student and I try to keep moving forward. I go to classes, I study, and I do my best to keep up with my responsibilities, but many nights I come back home and feel incredibly alone.

I guess what I'd like to ask is:

How do you move on from something like this without losing your ability to love?

How did you stop feeling like you weren't enough?

Is it really possible to find that feeling of "home" again with someone else?

And most of all...

What do you do with so much love when the person you wanted to give it to no longer wants to stay?

Thank you for reading.