I don't know where to post this....

**WARNING: More of a rant/vent**

I honestly don’t know where to post this….

I have a maelstrom of bulls&^t and emotions and situations going on right now. From my ex breaking up with me (after 14 yrs, broke up once and got back together) to my workplace (I soured a relationship that I really liked) to my career (I’m 32 and while people say “You’re young and stuff” I don’t feel that, I feel like I could have done so much more with my life had I not procrastinated on it or made better decisions) to my personal like (I cut off my immediate family due to toxic reason and myself because I have all these anxiety, depression and other things going on)

I don’t know how to handle any of this, I’m going to therapy and honestly, while it’s working for a bit right now, the fact that my ex and I are still in contact while he’s with a f$@king walking red flag, it just…I can’t cut him off either because of the extreme anxiety it produces and no matter what I’ve tried, I can’t get rid of the anxiety or my feelings for him. My ex and I are a whole story altogether and it’s just…I FEEL like he, on some level still wants to be with me in a romantic relationship, but at the same time, his fear of our past history and pain holds him back, but then again, this woman isn’t even any better. And despite everything that we’ve done, what happened, I still love him so damn deeply that it hurts. It leaves me in tears, it leaves me in fear of my own future. I still love this man despite what he’s done and stuff.

I soured a relationship with a coworker because for the first time, almost, I stood up for myself because I didn’t like how she had spoken to me and…she turned it against me to make it my fault in the end. And since then, she’s given me the professional cold shoulder; talking to me when needed or answering my questions when I call her, etc.

Then with my personal life….I have so much going on, I don’t know what to deal with first. I don’t know how to tackle them, how to deal with them, what to do, all sorts. From my sever anxiety, to my depression, to me overthinking, to me just…not having the motivation anymore….just everything.

It’s all so much and frankly, I don’t know how to handle them. I had my partner, my ex to help me when things got bad because he would help listen, provide suggestions, help me relieve my stress with activities and dates and stuff. And now that he’s gone, and that we just keep in contact (he KNOWS how I feel and apparently, he’s told this new woman everything and she KNOWS I want him back, but she’s not fighting for him either because I don’t know? Cuz they’re in a secret relationship that no one knows about and that she doesn’t fear anything? I don’t know; they are a WHOLE POST I can make.....really.) and I’m just…I don’t have the motivation to continue.

I don’t have the motivation to continue with my current stuff or with…loving with all this. I rather just be with my dad (he’s not…physically here anymore) and I just…very much so don’t want to continue.

It’s a maelstrom of emotions and I don’t know how to let it out, other than constantly crying. The therapy looks like it’s going to be a long process, my ex and I are…I don’t even know what we are, but I know that neither of us can cut contact with the other so easily (I know HE can’t, he lasted two weeks), my workplace is now mentally draining and toxic, my own life is s+&t and I’m just…I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what to do, I just don’t know.

Thank you for listening (or reading, lol) my rant/vent.