I feel like my mind is going to explode

I just always have so many thoughts and I always think so much and it truly stresses me out. I feel like I’m never truly safe and so I end up feeling lonely. I just have some bad stuff going on in life yet it feels like sometimes no one takes it seriously. It can truly be hard to live in an environment like that especially when it feels like they can be nicer. I have to carry everyone’s emotions whenever they get mad at me but if I get mad I get punished. I also get punished for not acting impulsive as well so it can feel like there’s no way out. I sometimes feel like I’m not allowed to feel anything or else I’ll get punished. I’m constantly met with the idea that my life is controlled by my family and so it can feel like I’m not allowed to truly be myself. I also feel like when going to things like physical therapy or meeting up with another relative that my family tries to control that aspect of my life too. I look for outside connections to feel more safe in but whenever I did my family just got jealous that I talked to them more and so it felt like I wasn’t even allowed to have outside connections. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to dislike people who I feel disrespect me and treat me poorly. I felt like I was forced to view them as safety yet I didn’t. I know that them getting jealous probably wasn't about control and more so about them feeling bad, but my point is that in those behaviors it can feel like they are trying to take away my autonomy.

I just go through a lot of other things as well like health issues and they don’t really want to provide support when it comes to that and so in turn I feel uncomfortable talking to them yet I feel like I can’t even dislike them for that. It’s just that I’m the one who has to go through the consequences of the health issues I have and so when they don’t want to provide support it can feel disheartening yet when presented with the idea that I can’t dislike them for that it just feels like I’m not even allowed to feel bad about the things I go through. They want to present the idea that life is hard and unforgiving but I feel that’s only if they make it hard. Life is hard yes, but it doesn’t have to be as hard as they make it. You can always strive to make life better but I feel like they want to keep it hard so that they can teach me a lesson about being able to handle what life really is. Yet like I said before life is only as hard as it is because they are the ones who make it hard. Being able to innovate and strive to make life easier is my own way of handling life. Both options require solving problems and having to tackle on things, but in my opinion theres nothing wrong with wanting to make life easier. I think they think that if it’s “easier” that I’ll be lazy but throughout the time I’ve been there I’ve never shown laziness. I don’t think it’s healthy to try to have someone take on everything on their own. Sure, one day I’ll need to take care of myself but they should provide all the support they can so that I can become that person. If they gave me the resources I needed to become who I want to be, I don’t feel like I’d suddenly become lazy. I’d still have problems I’d need to take care of myself but I know that I’d use all the resources that are at my disposal to help me. Like right now. This is a resource I have to help me and there’s nothing wrong with needing help.

Despite writing this and putting my thoughts in a more organized place, it still does hurt that the people around me can’t realize this. I feel like throughout the time I’ve been there, I’ve been learning more and more and making new realizations about life but with them it feels like they stay relatively the same and so it can feel like I’m the only one whos growing and it can feel lonely sometimes. I just sometimes honestly feel like I can’t even get help or else they’ll be jealous. I go to a therapist and they’re fine with that, but with other people it can feel like I’m not allowed to feel safe with them. I think I just want to be able to feel autonomy. I’ve been taking actions to better my life but with relatively no support from the people around me it can truly feel like I’m alone in my problems. I always have options in life no matter what, but I think what I want more than anything right now is just support from people that I can reach those goals and just people I can feel safe with