I need help. (Trigger warning)
I don't know if this counts as anxiety, but first I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Sophia, and I am someone who's deeply insecure and is obsessed over my looks. I struggle with a lot of stuff about myself. My looks determine my mood for the rest of the day. I was homeschooled for a year because I struggled with depression, and that helped get rid of my obsessive thoughts. Going back to school is my main issue for now. My dad wants me to come back to face-to-face classes because he thinks I should enjoy school and my classmates. He's also worried about my social isolation. Honestly, I don't mind being alone as long as my mind doesn't get trapped in obsessive thoughts. When I was in school, my classmates usually notice that I always go to the bathroom per class. I honestly don't count it as a problem before and I didn't think thay behavior was unusual. I never use the toilet when I'm inside there, but mostly just looking at myself and fixing the flaws in my appearance, as well as practicing facial expressions so I don't look "'mean" when people see me because I have this certain resting face, which people call a "resting b*tch face". I get so bothered when people say that I look mean. That doesn't bother me a lot, compared to the flaws I see in myself. I mostly don't mind what other people think about me, but I'm mostly bothered of my own thoughts. If I don't fix a certain part of my face, my mind will become obsessed, then relieved once I fix it. The parts that I'm most bothered about myself is symmetry. I am a person that is highly obsessed with the way I present myself. If both sides of my hair aren't symmetrical, or if my other eyelid is hooded and the other eye is bigger, if my smile is crooked. I have to look perfect before I go to school or otherwise, I'd want to absent and just do my schoolwork at home. What also bothers me the most is my hair. My hair is the most awkward part of my body (for me). It just never falls nicely and sits awkwardly around my face. Which bothers me A LOT. I always have to tie my hair in the same hairstyle for years which also kinda makes me feel insecure because I'm always the girl who always has her hair up, compared to the girls in my classroom who always has their hair down and they don't have to struggle styling it. I don't want to go back to school because being in school triggers those obsessive thoughts and I'm scared my dad will yell at me again for always not being in class, until I begged him to be homeschooled. But he only told me that he'll allow it, just for one school year. For the past few months until now, I've been thinking of ways to harm/k!ll myself. We have a g*n at home and I always thought about sh00ting a certain part of my body (not a vital organ) just to be hospitalized because I've missed the feeling of being cared for, or the same type of care my mom did to me when she was alive. I also thought about not drinking water so I'd be dehydrated and taken to the hospital. I miss the feeling when people actually sympathized for me, and not people to think that I'm just lazy because I don't wanna go back to school. The truth is, I love to learn new things! I just don't wanna be in school, surrounded my multiple people seeing and looking at me everyday. Another thing is that I'm about to be in Senior High School, and the uniform there is different. I can't wear skin colored tights/stockings or long knee high socks to cover up my legs. I'm also deeply insecure about my legs from the scars I had, because remember, i skin pick a lot, which I'm aware of, is a bad habit. I don't do it when I'm just anxious, or bored, but I just do it because of temptation. The feeling of removing a scab feels relieving to me. I also picked some spots off my face. I knew that I'd regret it right after, but still I did it because my mind tempts me to do it and is obsessed with removing spots off my skin. I need advice and I'm sorry if this is too long for you to read, I just wanna dump out everything I need to say. If you think "not minding" the flaws in my appearance would work, I tried that and it did not.
@deathspringgirl
Hi Sophia, thank you so much for trusting me enough to share all of this; I can hear how incredibly heavy and overwhelming these thoughts are for you right now. It sounds like you are carrying a huge burden on your own, and I just want you to know that I believe you, I care about you, and you absolutely don’t have to go through this alone. The way you describe your brain getting stuck on needing things to be perfect, like your hair or facial symmetry, sounds like a really exhausting battle, and I want to validate that you are in a lot of emotional pain, not just being "lazy" or "vain." Missing the care you had when your mom was alive and wanting to feel looked after is a deeply human feeling, but I need you to promise me you'll reach out to a professional or a safe adult, like a counselor or a trusted doctor, to talk about those feelings of self-harm, because you deserve to be supported and kept safe. It is totally okay to feel stuck on your looks, but I'm worried about you being in so much distress, and maybe that's where a professional can help you feel less trapped by your own thoughts. You are so much more than your appearance, and the fact that you love learning is a wonderful strength. If you contact a listener or want to talk further here, we can talk about how to tackle the school situation together, maybe by bringing up your feelings of needing a safe environment with your dad, or finding a way for you to feel more comfortable in your own skin, regardless of the uniform or your hair. We here on 7 cups are in your corner. There’s someone here to listen to whatever you need to dump out next, because you are important and your feelings are valid.
How bad I'd want to see your advice, but I can't see anything 🥲 Already refreshed the app, but still everything is blank. 😭
@deathspringgirl
I wonder if there’s some “block” put on because you are a teen? Not sure what could be the matter but I hope the reply shows up!
How bad I'd want to see your advice, but I can't see anything 🥲 Already refreshed the app, but still everything is blank. 😭
@deathspringgirl
It shows up from my end. Did it finally show up on your end?
Still, no. 😭 Could you copy paste your previous message and reply to this forum again? I really need to see your advice :) I could really use it.
Sure, I’ll try that!
@deathspringgirl
Copied and pasted from before; hope you can see the message now!
Hi Sophia, thank you so much for trusting me enough to share all of this; I can hear how incredibly heavy and overwhelming these thoughts are for you right now. It sounds like you are carrying a huge burden on your own, and I just want you to know that I believe you, I care about you, and you absolutely don’t have to go through this alone. The way you describe your brain getting stuck on needing things to be perfect, like your hair or facial symmetry, sounds like a really exhausting battle, and I want to validate that you are in a lot of emotional pain, not just being "lazy" or "vain." Missing the care you had when your mom was alive and wanting to feel looked after is a deeply human feeling, but I need you to promise me you'll reach out to a professional or a safe adult, like a counselor or a trusted doctor, to talk about those feelings of self-harm, because you deserve to be supported and kept safe. It is totally okay to feel stuck on your looks, but I'm worried about you being in so much distress, and maybe that's where a professional can help you feel less trapped by your own thoughts. You are so much more than your appearance, and the fact that you love learning is a wonderful strength. If you contact a listener or want to talk further here, we can talk about how to tackle the school situation together, maybe by bringing up your feelings of needing a safe environment with your dad, or finding a way for you to feel more comfortable in your own skin, regardless of the uniform or your hair. We here on 7 cups are in your corner. There’s someone here to listen to whatever you need to dump out next, because you are important and your feelings are valid.
I still can't 𥲠Do you think there are words in there that you think is not letting me see it?
@deathspringgirl
I will try sending one bit at a time.
Copied and pasted from before; hope you can see the message now!
Hi Sophia, thank you so much for trusting me enough to share all of this; I can hear how incredibly heavy and overwhelming these thoughts are for you right now. It sounds like you are carrying a huge burden on your own, and I just want you to know that I believe you, I care about you, and you absolutely don’t have to go through this alone.
The way you describe your brain getting stuck on needing things to be perfect, like your hair or facial symmetry, sounds like a really exhausting battle, and I want to validate that you are in a lot of emotional pain, not just being "lazy" or "vain."
Missing the care you had when your mom was alive and wanting to feel looked after is a deeply human feeling, but I need you to promise me you'll reach out to a professional or a safe adult, like a counselor or a trusted doctor, to talk about those feelings of self-harm, because you deserve to be supported and kept safe.
It is totally okay to feel stuck on your looks, but I'm worried about you being in so much distress, and maybe that's where a professional can help you feel less trapped by your own thoughts. You are so much more than your appearance, and the fact that you love learning is a wonderful strength.
If you contact a listener or want to talk further here, we can talk about how to tackle the school situation together, maybe by bringing up your feelings of needing a safe environment with your dad, or finding a way for you to feel more comfortable in your own skin, regardless of the uniform or your hair. We here on 7 cups are in your corner. There’s someone here to listen to whatever you need to dump out next, because you are important and your feelings are valid.
Sent in 5 pieces.
I see the message now! I realized that the color of the text is in black, but no worries! I'll just turn my brightness up. Thx so much! Will read this right now:)
I'm using dark mode in my phone, that's why :') My bad, but thank you Rose! Thank you for understanding and listening to my long paragraph. I teared up and I'm also looking forward to talking to a psychologist. But, the thing that's holding me back is again, my dad. If I tell him I need a psychologist, he might think that I have problems after he sees that I'm doing well (which I'm not), and whenever he sees that I have a problem, he forces me to tell him (which I know isn't a bad thing) but the downside is that when I tell him what I'm going through, he will compare my problems to others and he makes it seem like what I'm going through isn't real at all and that I should be grateful for the privileges I have. I never said or showed him that I'm being ungrateful. I told him that I do love to learn and do schoolwork, and I'm not stressed about that. It's just really the environment. I also have friends and I'm not alone.
@deathspringgirl
"he will compare my problems to others and he makes it seem like what I'm going through isn't real at all and that I should be grateful for the privileges I have.”
This part is shutting down your communication with your dad.
And, I’d like to point out to you that your concerns are totally valid and being able to lay down some ground rules for when you choose to share with him, that he takes you seriously and does not shut you down with the comparison trap that you just mentioned, that will help you so much more than if he does what you predict, which, you know him, he might try that, but if you circumvent it by saying ahead of time something like: hey, I know it’s tempting for you to XYZ (the comparison trap), but I need you to listen to me seriously and really think through with me how to help me better.
I don’t know. You know your dad better. Whether this is even possible.
If not him, then maybe another adult you trust in your school environment perhaps. Some people have a favored teacher or some other adult they “vibe” better with, with whom they can open up about even something deeply personal or hard to talk about? Does any of this sound like something you can work with?
May I also ask for your advice? With no hesitation do you think I should go for another year of homeschooling? I will be back for Senior Year (promise) because I still need that Senior High School experience. I just need another year of home-based learning to regain my confidence and to work on taking care of myself. My dad believes that coming back to school will make me enjoy it but I keep getting flashbacks of my experience as feeling uncomfortable before and during in school. The schools here do have events that, if you're homeschooled, you can attend it so I can experience some fun and see people sometimes. When I was homeschooled for the previous school year, I honestly thought that I'd get better, but no. I thought I was ready to come back to school but now the school year has ended, for my summer break I just kept thinking about how to persuade my dad if I can do another year of homeschooling but since I know that he might not probably let me, I kept thinking of ways on how to get hospitalized so I'd be sick for a long period and maybe not return. I don't know what to do anymore and until now I feel anxious. Everyday I wake up with anxiety, for the rest of the day I've noticed that I am super irritable whenever my dad speaks to me. And also I cry randomly during a certain time of the day which has been happening frequently. I genuinely want to get better, so bad. I felt more secure with my mom and the people who used to work at my house to take care of my mom and they felt like family. Everyone's gone now, and until now I don't know how to forgive my aunt (who used to take care of my mom while she was sick) because right after my mom's death, her and my father/dad were flirting with each other and I caught them by accident (no I did not spy on my father). Also this isn't my primary problem, it's mostly about my thoughts and school. I could use your advice. What do you think is the right setup for me?
@deathspringgirl
Oh, Sophia, I absolutely cannot tell you what to do. After all, I’ve just literally met you here on this app!
You and your family have so much history together.
As far as home schooling goes, I have met many successful home-schooled people who didn’t go to regular school for one reason or another. Also, like you said, many schools will open up clubs, athletics, or even certain subjects if it’s something there isn’t a learning pack or something online where you can learn it. However, this is going to be a family decision.
I’ve also met people where they have challenged themselves to try in person schooling and they found things that were great about it.
It sounds like there is a lot that is triggering about it for you because of all the comparisons.
I cannot tell you what to do. And, I hope hope hope you are able to somehow have this discussion with your dad, even if it means you have to seriously lay down some ground rules for him so he truly listens to you and takes your concerns seriously.
Because your concerns are serious.
Okay, thank you Rose! Instead can I just ask for your advice on what I should do at the moment? I'll now go to sleep in a few mins. 🙂
@deathspringgirl
Sorry, I just got this (I’m only on here on and off.).
I think what you should do at the moment is whatever is most caring and nice you can do for yourself, something kind, gentle and loving. And, I hope you have a good and restful and peaceful sleep.
Your family has been through trauma. Dealing with the consequences of the trauma is most important thing for your family not academic accomplishment.
Your dad will be struggling. In times of difficulty we need to reach out for help. Your dad will be relying on standard wisdom that school is important, all adults reach for secure thoughts when having difficulty. You are the child but sometimes children see more clearly. You recognise you need care hence fantizing for sympathy.
In a Disney world your dad would be able to do what you want. In the real world you need people who have not recently been through trauma like others did in past. Schools have those people.
I am not an expert but to me school for you should not be about academic lessons it should be about meeting adults who have not recently been through the trauma your family has.
Interacting with other children is hard especially if you have gave been though trauma. I have no authority to do this but it would be nice if you could go to school to hang out with adults.
Wishing you some chill time with safe adults.
Your family has been through trauma. Dealing with the consequences of the trauma is most important thing for your family not academic accomplishment.
Your dad will be struggling. In times of difficulty we need to reach out for help. Your dad will be relying on standard wisdom that school is important, all adults reach for secure thoughts when having difficulty. You are the child but sometimes children see more clearly. You recognise you need care hence fantizing for sympathy.
In a Disney world your dad would be able to do what you want. In the real world you need people who have not recently been through trauma like others did in past. Schools have those people.
I am not an expert but to me school for you should not be about academic lessons it should be about meeting adults who have not recently been through the trauma your family has.
Interacting with other children is hard especially if you have gave been though trauma. I have no authority to do this but it would be nice if you could go to school to hang out with adults.
Wishing you some chill time with safe adults.