I need help

Hey all, my name is Grace!

I need some advice and maybe some help. I’m starting to think that there’s something wrong with me and I don’t want to talk to my parents about it and usually my mum can help but right now she absolutely can’t!

This is embarrassing for me to say but I have a fetish that I’m not proud of… my fetish is pregnancy (i.e pregnant swollen bellies, pregnancy growth, rapid pregnancy growth, pregnant women being taken care of by the male, etc) , belly inflation/expansion, cumflation, rapid pregnancy growth, etc. Sometimes I feel okay that I’m like this but I think deep down really shameful about it and guilty, and especially because the only thing that I get off to is this (I do to other things). But like especially at the moment, I feel like there’s something horribly wrong with me because I’m using it a lot to get off, and now that makes me feel ashamed, I feel like I have to hide my phone or I just feel ashamed in other people’s presence and in my head I’m thinking like “I’m disgusting”, “you’re so shameful”, “why did you do that again”, “you do it too much”, “you’re obsessed”, “there’s something horribly wrong with you”, etc. I don’t feel normal, I just feel wrong and ashamed all the time.

I wanted to ask for advice/help on something else… I’m talking to boys on ***, hinge, bumble, field, etc, and I’ve met one who wants to have “fun” with me (he is respectful btw), I want that too and have organised something, but all I feel is shame. My mum is asking me “have you got a date!!”, in like an excited way and I just lie. I don’t want her to know that I’m going to be doing things with a boy that I don’t really know. I just want to have fun, and experience things, all while being careful, and I don’t know I just feel guilty. I don’t know what to do. I want to experience these things but it feels like I’m not aloud to. And I feel like there’s that pressure coming from my parents, then I just feel like a kid. I feel like I have to hide and sneak around which again makes me feel ashamed.

I seriously don’t know what to do, because both these situations make me feel so ashamed of myself and kind of make me hate myself ☹️. I am sorry for the large amount of information and if it was too personal.