Is cheating cheating a dealbreaker or nah?
So Dad has been cheating with this woman for the past months now. Like mom would find messages, they'll fight then they'll make up again. And the cycle continues. Which apparently happened five times in their 20 years relationship.
And just three days ago, mom found another message from his phone saying "Did you have a breakfast, love?" to the same woman he's been cheating with for the past month. To be fair, the message is a week old and the woman haven't responded. So it seems like dad's really persistenting on this woman.
So the thing is, whenever this cheating catastrophe happen, mom just treats it like an inside joke she brings up whenever she feels like it. She gets angry of course, but after venting and ranting it out, she's okay with him again.
And as for me, I can barely look at dad. Whenever he's around I'm internally raging, I'm so so so mad at him. All the respect I had for him just poofed the first time I found out he cheated.
But maybe I shouldn't be this angry at all? Mom's probably not as angry she should be because she still cooks meals for him, let him stay in our house, still washes his clothes and stuff.
And I really hate that she still does this for him but maybe I'm overreacting? Maybe I'm thinking about this too much? Maybe I shouldn't really be angry about this?
It's just cheating, maybe it's not a big deal?
That honestly doesn't sound right to me. I hate that. If I'm cheated like that, the first time it happens is big red flag and I'm gonna get out of that relationship and no amount of sorry is going change my mind.
But that's me I guess? So I thought of how mom must be thinking.
Maybe it's the love that she keeps giving him a chance? Maybe they've together for so long and she doesn't want to start over? Or maybe money, dad's the only one who have a job right now and money is hard these days so we can't afford to lose him? Or maybe she just didn't want to be one of divorce mom she's been criticizing and looking down?
I don't know. I really have no idea how mom thinks. I don't understand it. But I hate it, I hate it so much. It's so exhausting to watch all these terrible jokes and acts play out in this house. At every corner of the house is oozing with fakeness and pretends that we're all okay, that we're one happy family.
This pretent happy family is so exhausting.
I understand how you feel about that but i believe kids should involve themselves in parents affairs until the kids talks to both his parents about the topic directly. Any kid will get his answer if parents believe that their kid understand their situation from their perspective. All i hear is your and your mom perspective , where is your dads perspective on the situation?
@Skansly
I honestly don't care about what dad thinks or his exuces or perspectives for cheating. Whatever he's been thinking doesn't give him the right to cheat like that.
But if I were to think about about his side, I guess can see why he'd do it. Mom... Is not exactly the easiest person to get along with. She thinks she's always right so if things doesn't go her way, she lashes out and blame everyone around but herself. She's going to bring down our self-esteem than it already is, and then stomp on it to pieces. That's kind of person she is.
She has huge superiority complex, and it's a really big issue that brought me here in the first place (story for another time). She has a control issue, but she means well. She just doesn't or refuse to understand how her behavior effect the people around her.
So dad maybe have reasons to do what he did.
Maybe he's been tired always getting blame and getting lash out on (verbally). Maybe he's so sick of mom always insulting the poor living he came from (mom came from a decent lifestyle, but dad came from poverty, it wasn't until he married mom that he got out of there).
There's a million reasons honestly, even valid reasons why dad would cheat but none of them makes it right. So really, I don't care of his excuses.
He could have talked to her or call her out or something, but he didn't. He chose the most unforgivable possible route and there's no turning back from that.
@BeeLive
I think you have already targeted some of the reasons why.
I feel like your mom is in denial. She is running away from her problem. I think she acts like everything is normal (cooking for him) as a way to comfort herself. Tricking herself into thinking everything is fine. Sweeping everything under the rug. I think right now all we can do is hypothesize the reason why. The only way you can know why your mom stays with your dad is to ask her.
@bubbleCurrent6525
Hi! And yeah, maybe. It could any or all of those reasons.
Sigh. You're right, mom's not so great at accepting that there's something wrong, she just runs and pretend. Not that I could blame her really. It's not always easy to admit that we're wrong, especially for mom.
You're right here too, the only way to really know is just to ask her directly. So best not to wreck my brain thinking of possible reasons.
@BeeLive
You listed various possible reasons many stay together for money being scared of change or yes perhaps she still loves him and overlooks it.
HAve you ever thought of speaking up? Or frankly asking her outright? I had a spouse cheat we worked through it but our kids knew and it caused issues as the hate their dad still and I feel DO not respect my choice to work it out ..... only said things recently and that was ancient history perhaps we could have all worked through things back then now assumptions are solid like concrete and nothing can be changed.
If your mom knew ... how you feel that might give her strength to deal with her feelings
If dad is aware how you know and feel maybe he will reconsider his behavior as well
