I struggle with anxious attachment
Hi, I'm new here and I wanna do a small introduction. I'm lesbian and I currently have a gf. I've been struggling to handle my unbearable anxiety and it affects my relationship with her. Whenever she needs space or takes a break, I feel a sense of dread that I can't brush off easily. I try to distract myself but it's only temporary. My heart feels tight, I feel depressed and it's even difficult to sleep thinking about her absence. I don't have access to therapy because of the expenses. How can I manage this? I just need reassurances and motivation.
@raspberryClementine2693
Hi, Raspberry Clementine 2693
I want to say how incredibly brave it is to share what you’re going through because acknowledging that sense of dread and physical tightness is the first step toward finding relief. Please know that having an anxious attachment style doesn't mean you are broken; it simply means your nervous system is very sensitive to perceived changes in connection, and that sensitivity comes from a place of deep capacity for love.
Even without access to therapy, you can begin to rewire these responses by focusing on self-soothing techniques that address the physical "tight heart" feeling, such as box breathing (inhaling, holding, exhaling, and waiting each for four seconds) or the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise to pull your brain out of a spiral and back into the room. When that dread hits, try to remind yourself with a mantra like, "I am safe, I am okay, and my partner’s need for space is a reflection of their needs, not a withdrawal of their love for me".
Motivation often comes from small wins, so try to view her breaks as an opportunity for "radical self-acceptance," where you acknowledge the reality of the distance without letting it define your worth. You have survived these moments of absence before and you will pull through this one too, growing stronger and more resilient each time you successfully manage a wave of anxiety on your own. You deserve to feel peace within yourself regardless of who is in the room, and every time you choose to breathe through the dread instead of reacting to it, you are proving to yourself that you are enough.
Radical self-acceptance also might mean doing some nurturing activities just for You. Have you been meaning to write that poem, take a hot bath with candles and nice aromatic scents, or perhaps join that ceramics class? Perhaps now is the time to nurture your own soul through some activities that bring you joy on their own and nurture your soul. and that in itself, You choosing You, makes it easier --- whenever the time presents itself --- to be in relation to another.
Love and Courage,
Calm Rosebud 🕊️🌹