I was thinking...(Sorry, English is not my first language)
Does death by overdose hurt? Today my alter ego made me run into a truck, but since it was going slowly it managed to stop and let me cross... what is this, is life laughing at me?
I'm still 1 year away from adulthood, and yet, even at this moment when I should be surrounded by people like any other normal teenager, here I am... sitting alone, always alone, giving fake smiles, fake words, with no one I feel I can trust...
My mother is much better than many others out there, but she still manages to ruin my already broken mood, always focusing on my mistakes. My father is the height of the worst. He blames me, always calls me a liar about EVERYTHING, gets angry at ANYTHING and still acts as if I were a prisoner under house arrest.
And while I'm screwed, my parents still take advantage of and favor my sister who is spoiled and rude.
NOBODY talks to me at school (only the teachers and school administration are nice to me), I have a lot of things to do, I have to deal with people who often insult me, I have my future to decide on, it's SO MUCH!!
And on top of that, I'm a coward, I'm afraid of pain, but not of death... I cut myself once, and it hurt because I cut it really deep, after that I started pinching myself, eating TOO MUCH, scratching my neck to the point where it got red and swollen, and crying... There's a lot more to this story, a lot of things that keep pulling me down to the bottom of the well, but I don't have the courage to keep remembering it.
Do I really have to go through all of this? Do I really have to continue with this *** life? I'm religious and I believe that, after we die, we turn to dust, we don't think, we don't feel, nothing....
So? Does anyone know? Does dying from an overdose hurt?
(Sorry, I said too much)
Hey. It sounds like you are going through a stressful period. Teenage years isn't easy. It can be really frustrating when your parents are always critical of you and exerts control over you. I hear you feel like a prisoner under house arrest and you aren't a legal adult yet so technically they have parental control. It would be great if your parents were supportive and encouraging. It's unfair of your parents to favor your sister over you.
It sounds like you don't trust anyone nor feel secure and have the need to be nice and polite. It sounds like you are lost and lonely. Furthermore, people are being unkind and often insult you. You are not a coward for being afraid of pain. You are human. I can only imagine how much pain you are going through to want a distraction and feel something else by selfharming and wanting to forget all the difficult things you have been through.
Speaking from a non-religious point of view, you might live another day to learn something new, to live to see hope if you give yourself a chance to. When you feel like you are losing the will to live and you can't keep yourself safe, please call your local crisis helpline.
I want you to know about the good little things in life and love life. You have an education so it's a good opportunity to learn something new. It can be fufilling. Sometimes on your way back home reward yourself by doing the little things: listen to good songs, journaling and drawing, find people you vibe with and talk to them, join communities. go to parks and libraries dressed up and enjoy. Sing and feast. Go window shopping, concerts and feel the vibe. Treat yourself. Take care of yourself.
Please don't die. Dying hurts to the point you give up. Motionless. Promise not to? Please take care.
