Kind Of Anxious
So after my last thread my anxiety kind of reduced but I am anxious. Today is the day my boyfriend meets his ex that he says is his close friend. I’m anxious because anything could happen not physically at least but emotionally he could regain all his feelings for her and well that’s the scary part…. But considering he is 6 hours ahead of me, it feels a bit better so by the time I wake up maybe he will be home or maybe he will be headed home. Or so I hope so…. I am trying to not stress out too much because I want to try and trust his word. I’m trusting his word but I don’t fully want to put my heart out there with fully trusting him until I know how he feels after the meet up. But I do have a question, does it make me insecure or say that I’m doing too much since I asked my boyfriend to give me a code word when he comes back home so that before he calls me my anxiety is less stressed out? The code words I had was the word “Good” which means he still wants to be my boyfriend and that it means she is still just a friend to him… his ex and then the word “Bad” if after the meet up he gained feelings for his ex all over again. It’s just for me I prefer to know where I stand so I’m not wondering when he calls me and I answer and at least in my view I feel like it might ease my anxiety easier to actually accept a phone call from him knowing where I stand before he actually calls me. I am hoping for the best and hoping that his love is strong enough for me that he won’t gain feelings for his ex all over again. I could really use support and advice anyone has for me. But if he does respond with the code words I listed, should I ask to call him to hear his voice though? I usually never ask to call but I feel like once my anxiety is eased I need to hear his voice to be able to calm down easier at least.
@AngelicDolly21
Hello AngelicDolly,
Wanting to know where you stand is completely understandable. Your code word system seems a very innovative way to try to tackle some of the anxiety that being away from your boyfriend when he is visiting his ex generates for you. Yet it is heartbreaking to hear that it makes you feel this system is even necessary.
I think it likely that many people would have a hard time processing a partner going to visit an ex. It is a complicated dynamic. Does your boyfriend know how anxious it makes you, and your feelings on the matter?
It sounds like you have your own doubts and worries about the situation, and from what you have said it comes across almost a bit like emotional damage limitation; dreading the worst, so preparing for it. That is very sad to hear as I doubt it helps you feel any more secure and it sounds like it causes you some considerable upset.
I do not think wanting to hear your beloveds voice is unreasonable. If it helps you feel calmer and make connected when you are apart, I think it can only be a good thing.
If you haven't spoken to your boyfriend about how this is all making you feel, perhaps it might help to air it with him. Maybe he will be able to give you the assurance you need to qwell the anxiety, or perhaps he has not even considered that his actions might have negative consequences for you even if they were completely innocent.
As to his visiting his ex and suddenly developing feelings again, I am not in a position to comment one way of the other. All I would suggest is that if he loves you, a visit, even to an ex, would make no difference to his feelings as the ex is not you, and thus could not displace his love. If he is a true and decent person, his behaviour will be guided by his respect and care for you, and thus he would not be swayed even by an ex to engage in any behaviour that would hurt you.
At the end of the day, you know your beloved better than any person who might speculate. I hope you and your boyfriend can reach a solution that eases your anxiety and brings you both happiness.
Hi so I did tell him about it the night before but the plans were in motion I did write him a letter dating the date on how it made me feel so he can understand how I felt that might’ve seemed easier for me to put on paper rather than possibly expressing out loud. I tend to struggle expressing my emotions truly for someone to understand. But he came back and he still only sees her as a friend. I just hope that one day his ex considering my bf is her only friend that just one day she is able to find other friends besides my bf because that’s the uncomfort I realized. But there is no plan to meet anymore. His ex doesn’t want drama. All she wants is peace and all I want is for my bf to have friends just it will take time to realize she really doesn’t want drama so hopefully I will see that because from my experiences girls tend to talk to anyone I dated because they wanted to break up my relationship. Just she is the first female to say she doesn’t want to ruin anyone’s relationship she just wants to live life and have peace…. But for now I think when time comes closer to when I hope I will be in my boyfriend’s arms again next month…. I am considering writing another letter and having him read it so maybe through letter writing he can understand my emotions and thoughts because it will be on paper and that it might be easier to understand. I am glad though that my bf wants me to get good sleep and he wants me to stay on a sleep call with him…. He feels bad I didn’t get good sleep.
@AngelicDolly21
I am sorry to hear you didn't get good sleep, but I think it sounds like an encouraging sign that your boyfriend is confirming he has no interest in anyone else and that he wanted to be on a sleep call with you.
I think it is a really wise move to get your thoughts down in a letter, especially if you sometimes find it hard to express yourself as you wish. A letter you can refine and edit until it is exactly what you want to say. Sometimes it is also easier to get words on paper rather than say them out loud. Plus it is always nice to receive letters...the time and effort it takes to write them shows care and consideration, and they make lovely tokens to hold on to and cherish.
I hope the time goes by fast for you so that you and your boyfriend cam enjoy each others company in person again.
