Long distance, long term
My fiancé and I are currently long distance, and it’s taking a toll on me. We met in his country because I am completing a degree there, but this past year I have been back and forth between our countries.
I don’t want to be there anymore, I only go back to his country to renew my visa and be with him (all I have left for my degree is my thesis). He originally told me he will come to my country to be with me when I graduate, but now he’s saying he’s having second thoughts and he doesn’t think he will like life there.
What led to this comment on his end is that I told him today that I don’t want to live long term in his country, and I am moving back to my country as soon as I can (I have told him this many times but since I am still working on getting citizenship in his country through my blood line, I don’t think he has been taking it seriously). Today, however, I was much more firm, and said that I cannot take this back and forth anymore and I will come still next month and stay through the end of the year, but after that I will return to my country until graduation. He then said that he gave himself next year as a limit for moving to my country, and I told him that the visa processing takes an entire year and that’s why I’ve been telling him to apply + I’ve explicitly told him that processing time many times, so he hasn’t been listening.
While we were talking, I explicitly said “I want it to be very clear that I DON’T want us to break up” and he started to get anxiety so badly that he vomited on the video-call with me multiple times. He ended the call so he could vomit more, laid down and had water, messaged me and I call him. He told me he needs to sleep and we said goodnight I love you.
i don’t know where to go from here, and the anxiety puking stunned me as he’s never had that occur before.
@arianatravels
I am glad to hear that you are in a long term relationship with your fiancé, and are trying to improve your relationship by settling in your country together and being by his side as much as possible. Overall, you have a flourishing relationship (which is a wonderful gift), and you would like to improve an aspect of it.
Fortunately, it is your mutual desire to move in together. As he originally told you he will come to your country to be with you. Also, you are still working on getting citizenship in his country. However, you would like to live with him in your country, and based on his recent second thoughts, he would like to live with you in his country. Given the above situation, if you think about it carefully, from this viewpoint there is nothing for you to worry about. Instead, you keep working on the solution. I think that it is better to discuss and resolve challenges and important issues in person rather than over a video call. Also, the solution comes easier when you both are as aware as possible and not in a negative mood.
Of course, everyone has slightly different preferences, so you have to find a compromise with your fiancé. In a relationship, it is normal or rather inevitable to find compromises. Instead of seeing the current challenge a matter of concern, you can look at it as an opportunity to take your relationship to the next level.
Therefore, I recommend that you do not associate the challenge of moving in together with the prospects of your relationship. Let’s assume that your relationship will be long-lasting, while as an amazing team, you will overcome all challenges along the way together. Once you have solved this current challenge, another challenge will emerge, and the key to the solution will often be your mutual ability and willingness to compromise.
Ending a relationship is sometimes (or often) associated with negative feelings. It is nice that you explicitly told your fiancé that you do not want to break up your relationship. However, the human mind sometimes works in unexpected ways, so your fiancé might have unconsciously focused on the words ”break up”, which is the opposite of what you told him. Since he is deeply in love with you, such an event may have triggered negative emotions in him (the fear of losing you), and what you saw was his overreaction. It is known that fear can cause unwanted, unconscious overreactions. Of course, you expect other reactions from a person who is head over heels for you. So you can conclude that you are much more important to him than his country, so the chances are high that you will soon end up together in your country, as a happy couple.
Because a relationship can be started, it can also be ended. It is a fact, not a cause for concern. The challenge for you may be to accept this fact. Once you accept it, you won’t worry about it. Another fact is that you are a wonderful person with or without a relationship. (your history before your current relationship proves this.) You have the right to think or talk about breaking up or not not breaking up, but I do not recommend it, as this may cause anxiety (as you have seen it in your fiancé). It is better to avoid it at all. You are striving to improve your relationship, so there is no point in thinking about anything that might compromise it. Just focus on the present moment, and enjoy your relationship, and decide that you enjoy dealing with challenges.
I hope you (both) find out where to go from here. Wishing you all the best, including your visa, his visa, and your thesis.
@zolly thank you so much for your kind words and neutral perspective. Being a neutral party is very good because it allows you to focus only on the logical part of the situation, which is the hardest side to see when there are a lot of emotions involved.
I agree that he heard “break up” and automatically associated that with us separating. I had said it to reassure him because he was being extremely pensive and not responding, and usually when he gets this way, it is him spiraling and assuming the worst. I think I will instead focus on saying “I want to focus on us overcoming this together” instead of “I do not want us to break up” as I think it can convey the same meaning in more positive words.
I also agree that a video call is not the proper platform for these conversations, but unfortunately it is the only platform we have. I will not return to his country for a while, and these are things we need to address now since we will need to start working on his visa application by the end of the year if we want everything to be underway by the time I finish school and move back to my country. I will follow up with him again on this conversation tomorrow and I have drafted a letter so that I can stay on topic and avoid distracting myself with whatever emotions I may have in the moment. Then, when we will be able to see each other, we can get more in depth hopefully.
