Negative thoughts, (TW: SA & Suicidal Thoughts)
Hello,
Im M, i’m a 19 year old closeted homesexual who lives in a strict middle eastern country.
It started 10 days ago. I hanged with someone I know from uni in a VC app to study for a final. And suddenly after I finished the call I started feeling depressive (A nagging feeling in my heart, im hungry but don't eat, I feel like crying and I do usually before sleeping, I stopped eating even though I feel hungry it’s like im too depressed to eat, I have 0 passion to stuff I liked before like video games) and the nagging thing in my heart is 24/7 since I finished that call. Im also not really sure if it's actually my heart. Maybe it's my stomach? But I have a watch app that says my respatory rate is up since it started.
It was in the finals season so I thought it was the finals causing this but I finished 3 days ago and im still feeling like this. So I went to the original source which was the call. It all started after finishing the call. So I thought maybe im catching feeling for this guy? Even though I know it’s impossible cause it’s a homophobic country and I can’t do anything (Im also a Practicing muslim, I don’t act on my gay feeling with people I just watch p*rn which doesn’t even satisfy me anymore so I stopped), Whenever im with people the thoughts become less attacking but whenever I stop talking to my friends or leave they come back hard.
I meet this friend like 4 times a week since August 2024 and I knew him before then too. So im still so confused on if it’s actually me having feelings or not. Why did all this start after ending the call. My brain says no you literally see him as a friend but it’s like im forcing it to be the reason for these feelings. I have no clue if it is the reason or not. If I like him or not. Also whenever im out the feeling is still there but not as much. As soon as I enter my home it comes back.
Whenever I get a notification from him, I get so stressed and anxious but when I ask myself. Im I attracted to him? I say yes sure he's handsome. But when I ask myself, do I have feelings for him? My brain says no you're just attracted to him sexually. So how do I know what to feel. Why do I get anxious or my heart starts to beat so fast when I get a dm from him or when I think of him? Am I forcing me having feelings for him just to make it the reason for my thoughts? And why don't I get this feeling when im with him? I don't feel anything when im with him irl just if I get a notification or think of him.
Maybe it’s just because I know I will never find a relationship? I was fine with that for years. Why does it bother me now?
I have Anxiety, Social Anxiety & Imposter syndrome. I don’t want to add depressesion also.
I also have an arthritis that's been with me for years and they still couldn't diagnose it which also makes my mental health like ***. The pain is unbearable.
What do you guys recommend? I want to go to therapy but I can’t let them help me without them knowing everything (Including me being gay) If I don’t tell them, they wont have all info and will probably be unable to help me.... Even though I did find some doctors who have "Sexual identities" in their fields. But I don't want them to "convert" me. I know im gay but I just don't want to act on my feelings that's all.
So at the end. I just want to know what caused the negative thoughts to start. Is it because of the guy I studied with? Did I get attached since we studied together? Or is it all a coincidence? Could this be something physical not mental?
Something I never had the courage of admitting. How did I know that im gay? When I was in the 4th grade I was playing with my cousins (Boys & Girls) and we played this Dark hide and seek game and I partnered with my cousin who was in the 7th grade that time. And we hid under the bed and I was just hiding when he started kissing me and I had no idea what was going on then and asked what was that? And he replied by saying just don’t talk and one thing lef to another and I guess I was *olested? I think I developed Stockholm syndrome cause it went on and on for years until he stopped when I turned 15 and I actually got sad. How pathetic is it? I got sad cause the person who *exually *bused me stopped. Could this have anything to do with whats going on with me? I have no clue. My brain just cant handle everything going on. (Parents fighting and getting me involved, Social anxiety, having imposter syndrome, being stressed 24/7, the physicall pain of my joints that no one can figure out)
Holy ***, im I even gay? Or is it because I got SA’d that I think that im gay? I am attracted to men but have I even tried doing anything? Nope, too scared.
Would it be better if I stopped living? Yes that came through my mind. Will I ever do it? Nope. Im too scared to actually do anything. I just want everything to stop negatively affecting me.
I apologize if I kept repeating the same thing in other paragraphs, English isn't my first language and it's like my mind can't comprehend and connect words when stressed.
Thanks for reading this if you got this far.
@Mesha1230
Thank you for the consideration of the trigger warnings.
I can't imagine what it must be like to live where it's illegal to be yourself. That's so unfair. And it's so unfair what your cousin did to you as well. Its a lot to get your head round, it's not at all surprising that you are finding it hard to figure out.
You are very welcome to continue to share here and get support. But I think your idea of therapy is a good one. A therapist is best placed to help you unpack your questions.
I wondered if you knew that you can do therapy through this site. You can probably chose a therapist from a country of your choice here. So you could chose a country that is more open to different sexual orientations and have a better chance of finding someone you feel comfortable with. Something to try, maybe.
I did therapy through this site. I'm sure it doesn't work for everyone, but it helped me.
It's quite possible a conversation triggered something that led to your current distress. I think that as humans we like to imagine that we have total control over ourselves, when in fact I find it more helpful to bear in mind that our subconscious can have it's own agenda. Maybe your brain is trying to tell you something. I hope you can find out who you are and find acceptance for that person. I believe that our differences are what makes us special, and should be valued and celebrated. But those differences are challenging if you live it a culture that expects everyone to be a certain way.
Good luck in finding your answers and some peace.
And, by the way, your English is amazing.
Thank you.
This actually helped so much. After finals they kinda stopped but I do still have this heavy feeling on my heart everyday. I have been getting tics (Physical and Vocal ones) and after going to a neurologist he told me to go to a therapist because it’s mental not physical. And that it’s caused by my anxiety. So I do have a reason to tell my parents and after telling my mom she said to go and so i’ve been looking ever since.
I do hope that it gets better. Sad thing is, I can’t actually talk about my gay life to this therapist. Im just gonna talk about “normal” mental things like Anxiety, Depression, Social & Academic Anxiety and hopefully he can help.
I have tried to talk to listeners in this app. Talked to 2 and both ignored me after saying I was gay. I was looking for Arabs that could relate on how strict middle eastern countries are but they just never responded after. Do you have have a therapist that you could recommend.
And again I thank you for even responding, knowing that random strangers care makes me so happy. Will update you soon. Good luck with your life!
Ahh I forgot to @, idk how this works xd
@Clio9876
@Mesha1230
Thank you for the lovely feedback.
Yes, chatting to listeners can be a bit hit or miss. They are, after all, just random people like you and me. Some are amazing, most are there for the right reasons, a few are not. Searching for "verified listener" can increase your chances of finding good ones. You might also like to search for the pineapple badge. People who have this have done a course to demonstrate that they are LGBTQ friendly.
I wasn't sure from what you wrote, whether you understand that listeners and therapists are different things on this site. Listeners are anyone. You could be a listener, if you wanted. Listeners volunteer to give their time for free to be a supportive ear. Therapists are (Hopefully!) professionals who have some qualification/are registered etc and charge for their time. I've used both, found both helpful, but in different ways.
I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better. And that your parents are supportive of the idea of therapy. Good luck on your journey to being anxiety free.
@clio9876
Yeah don’t worry about it. I knew from the start that listeners are just random people that are free to communicate with.
I might try talking to a therapist here if the real world doesn’t work.
Good luck, and thank you again!
