Please

Hi,
I’m writing because I feel completely lost and overwhelmed, and I don’t know how to move forward anymore.

I just came back from an exchange abroad, and emotionally, this experience has completely shaken me. I thought it would be an amazing chapter of my life, but instead it revealed a lot of painful things I didn’t want to see.

I went on exchange with a person from my university. I’m an only child, and I think that played a big role in everything. Deep down, I’ve always felt a lack — I’ve never had siblings, and I think I unconsciously search for that kind of bond in friendships. I hoped this exchange would give me that: someone to share everything with, someone close, someone who would choose me. I had huge expectations, probably too big, but they were very real for me.

But it didn’t happen.
I cared much more than she did. I constantly felt like I was holding myself back, like I had to be careful not to be too much, not to annoy her. I realized I wanted a deep connection, but she didn’t. And that hurt a lot.

At the same time, I slowly realized something even more painful: my friends back home were not really there for me either. During the entire exchange no, not one of them checked on me without me writing first. Not once did someone ask me how I was doing on their own. What hurt the most is that they did stay in contact with the other girl, but not with me. That made me feel invisible, replaceable, and unimportant.

This made me question everything.
Were these people ever my friends?
Did I imagine the closeness?
Am I only valued when I’m useful?

The truth is, I now feel like I have no friends at all. Not even one. I feel like I’ve always been the one giving, adapting, making space for others, and in the end, I’m never anyone’s first choice. I feel like I exist only when I’m convenient.

Coming back home has been even harder. I’ve restarted classes, I see people again, but I feel completely disconnected. Everything looks the same, but I’m not. I don’t know where I belong anymore. I feel awkward in group projects, like I’m in the way, like I shouldn’t take up space. I constantly feel like I’m bothering people just by being there.

Emotionally, I’m exhausted. I overthink everything. I feel lonely even when I’m not alone. I can’t trust my own perception anymore — I don’t know what’s real, who truly cares, or if anyone ever will. The pain comes in waves.

I feel like I lost my old self, my old life, and my illusions all at once, and now I don’t know how to rebuild anything. I don’t know how to trust people again, or how to stop hoping for relationships that never come back the same way.

If anyone has experienced something similar — loneliness, losing friendships, realizing relationships were one-sided, or coming back from an exchange— how did you survive it? How did you rebuild yourself from nothing? How can I deal with this ?

Sorry for the long message but I need to know.

Thank you !