Problems I faced

Ageing Anxiety: I worry that I missed out on the good things during my childhood, such as being in a more comfortable environment where I’m not bossed around or told heavy things, having a phone, feeling free, playing the games I should’ve played, such as Fire Emblem: Awakening, Fire Emblem Fates, Hyrule Warriors. During high school, I didn't make many friends. Nor with anyone. I just spent my high school days alone. And at the start of middle school or elementary, for that matter, K12 would’ve been a relaxing learning experience. I tried K12 in 8th grade, but there are still so many things I should’ve done. I could’ve entered the Pokémon VGC or TGC tournaments when I was younger, too. But I never gave myself the chance. I also could’ve just paid better attention and had better knowledge if I applied myself better. If I weren’t so dumb. I could’ve even had a significant other. Whenever I got in trouble I was spanked. Should’ve told the teacher or any adult to call child services.

My past: I did not choose how I wanted to spend my youth. I just had a rough time with my family. When I was little, I was subjected to abuse even if I had done something bad: shot with a BB gun, whipped with belts, gaslighted, told to stop crying, verbally abused, and yelled at. I hated being told sexist things growing up, such as “boys are not supposed to be scared of bugs,” and “Quit crying! Girls cry!”. I just hate being alive because of my past. My dad isn’t all that better to me now just because he stopped hitting me with a belt. Whenever I get depressed or upset, he minimizes my pain. Telling me what he needs from me. “We don’t need you to be depressed. We need you to be happy.” and things like “Quit being depressed, man! You know who deserves to be depressed? Homeless people. You 've got food and shelter!”. And at 12 years old, when I had a knee injury from falling off my scooter, I was upset about it. And my mom tells me, “You’re such a baby! You weren’t injured!” And at one point during my childhood, I said I don’t like sports, and she said, “You’d better toughen up, boy and not be a sissy!” There are lots of moments in the past that traumatize me now as an adult! I hated being a guy because of this treatment. I still hate being one!! I was always disrespected and criticized for being sensitive. I wish I was never brought into a cruel world. That’s why gendered nicknames like “dude” or “man” actually rub me the wrong way.

I can’t sleep: I miss being able to sleep well when I was younger. I used to sleep from 9 to 6-8. Now I usually have horrible sleep nowadays. I now sleep at 11 or 12 and could have 7 hours of sleep at most. Unfortunately, sleep quality changes as we physically get older. I hate this fact.

Social Anxiety: I start to lose interest interacting with others. I hate being out there with even a few people. Strangers can be overly casual or rude. They might even make me uncomfortable with their profanity and stuff. I’ve dealt with classmates who get cocky with me and a bunch of people misunderstand me. I can’t stand anyone because no one sees the real me.

Issues with the world: Treatment of males: whenever they are upset, they almost get no sympathy from other males. They are stupidly expected to be loud, energetic, bulky, carry heavy stuff, be analytical, get bossed around, their emotional or physical pain not being a big deal to others, do things themselves, and not be treated like they are precious. treated roughly, get stronger by suffering. They even have to wear boring suits. They have no freedom to express themselves when they want to without being constrained or criticized.                   Whilst females have kindness, someone to talk to, great social skills, be treated with respect and delicacy, not be bossed around by males as much as males, never have to go through as much physical pain as males, treated like royalty, expected to be weaker than males, cry more easily, are more gentle, are more academically successful, love cute things, are more good at opening up, they can wear anything they want more than men. It’s not just pants and shorts they can wear, it’s dresses and makeup. They are treated with more respect than males. And that’s not all the problems with the world. Everything costs money. Even basic human needs such as therapy, a home, and the competition make everything almost unaffordable. People work extra hard for a large amount of income in jobs they don’t like. Boring office jobs, lame part-time jobs. And since everything is competitive and expensive, getting a job is unnecessarily hard. I was not ready for a cruel world like this. I wanted to live independently. Not follow orders and demands. We also have to put up with a harsh family environment. It’s where most of them are not at all understanding. And my father is just overbearing. They may care about us. But they are not always considerate. 

Busyness: Everyone is busy. That’s it. I’m always alone, and no one worthy of my time has time for me. I hate that people have to work to live. This societal system is colorless and cruel. People should be allowed to live wherever they want, especially when they are struggling. But others on my end are too busy to waste their time on me. I feel trapped in a system and a Christian family that was never made for me. I just wanted to live freely with no one making me feel alone. Everyone is always busy. Another reason I hate being an adult so much! I feel oppressed and alone all the time, and I can’t even find a job myself! There are too many options and steps!